Marinerds, etc.

Alright, so this goes back a few weeks to when Chiba Lotte Marines second baseman Shunichi Nemoto's at-bat music became the title song by one of the latest fabricated J-Pop boy groups, 羞恥心 (Shuuchishin, which means "shame"). If you haven't seen/heard it before, here's a Youtube video of the PV. If you go to about 1:23 in the video, that's the part they always play for Nemoto's at-bats: "shuuchishin, shuuchishin, oretachi wa..."

Anyway, for whatever reason, I had started kinda humming along to it during his at-bats, only I would be singing, "Shunichi, Shunichi, oretachi wa..."

And so, uh, in honor of today being Shunichi Nemoto's birthday, I went ahead and actually wrote the REST of the lyrics. Incase it isn't obvious, I don't really write parody lyrics in Japanese all that often (read: never), so bear with me. I assure you that despite how retarded my lyrics sound, they barely do justice to the complete inanity of the original song.

Thanks to Jeff (the2belo) for sanity-checking for me.


"Shunichi"
(to the tune of Shuuchishin/羞恥心, by the group of the same name)
(Parody lyrics by Deanna "Marinerd" Rubin)

若い選手はすばらしい
Wakai senshu wa subarashii
スタジアム駆け抜けろ
SUTAJIAMU kakenukero
走って守って打っても豪快のさ
Hashitte mamotte utte mo goukai no sa
ロッテのみんな好きけれど、
LOTTE no minna suki dakedo
一番いいのが根元
Ichiban ii no ga Nemoto
だから毎日見に行くのさ
Dakara mainichi mi ni iku no sa

内野ゴロされた　セカンドの
Naiya goro sareta SEKANDO no
全て掴めば　勝利を守るはず
Subete tsukameba shouri wo mamoru hazu

※バンザイ　バンザイ　バンザイ　バンザイ
BANZAI BANZAI BANZAI BANZAI
負けないで
Makenai de
最下位なんかは似合わない
Saikai nanka wa, niawanai
優勝戦に　さあ目指せ
Yuushousen ni saa mezase!

△俊一俊一
Shunichi, Shunichi
俺たちは
Oretachi wa
外野いつもどんな時も
Gaiya itsumo donna toki mo
応援したいさあ
Ouen shitai saa
歓声　歓声　歓声
Kansei kansei kansei
夢で生きてる
Yume de ikiteru

上手く野球できないかも
Umaku yakyuu dekinai kamo
笑いたければ笑うがいい
Waraitakereba warau ga ii
俺の大切旗ふるよ
Ore no taisetsu hata furu yo
明日相手を倒すかな？
Ashita aite wo taosu kana?

俊一！ロッテ！
Shunichi! Lotte!
俊一！ロッテ！
Shunichi! Lotte!

(repeat ※ and △ sections)


(English... which, try as I might, sounds stupid no matter how you cut it:)
Young players are awesome
Running through the stadium,
Their defense and hitting is exciting.
I like all of the Lotte players,
But the one I like best is Nemoto,
So I go to watch him play every day.

If an infield grounder is hit to second base
He grabs them all and protects the victory!

Banzai, banzai, banzai, banzai
Don't lose the game
Last place doesn't suit you guys
Let's aim for the championship!

Shunichi, Shunichi
We all want to cheer for you from the outfield
Anytime, anywhere
Hear our song, hear our song, hear our song
And we can live our dreams.

Maybe these guys can't play baseball that well
So laugh if you want to
We'll all go and wave our flags
...hm, do you think they can defeat tomorrow's opponent?

Shunichi! Lotte! (x2)


根元選手へ
お誕生日おめでとうございます。尊敬しています。
だからこの馬鹿みたい替え歌が本当の羞恥心持ってます。

I am trying to figure out exactly how many drinks it would take before I'd be willing to sing this one at karaoke. Hmm.

For info about the LL/USSM projection project, see here. (Richie projection discussion is here).
For the tune to this post, see the appropriate commercial here.


The Projection Of Big Richie

He'll bring a ten foot pole to the batter's box
And hit a full fifty-seven knocks
Actually, I put 38.
(Big Richie!)

He'll drive in a hundred runs or more
And ninety times he'll see ball four!
Uh... I'm betting on 50.
(Big Richie!)

We'll have to guess
At his OPS
And his strikeout count?
[SWOOSH!]
We hope it's less.
Who the hell does he think he is? Adam Dunn?
(Big Richiiiieeeee... Big Richiiiieeeee...)

Same routine as last year and the year before, my dear readers -- I'm no good at these "serious year-end summary" things, so I write a silly song about the team instead.


Ladies and Gentlemen, your 2006 Seattle Mariners
To the tune of "Wild Wild West" by the Escape Club
New lyrics by Deanna "Marinerd" Rubin

Forty men with big dreams playing on the same team
Morse, Reed, Meche, Dobbs, all with the same jobs
Kenji's in the dugout waiting for the third out
Carl's up at home plate, driving people crazy

Diss my team, but I don't care
I love the teal in the shirts they wear
Down at the field that we love best,
Starting with the Angels
Playing in the AL West
The AL West

Richie is a big chump, Beltre's in the same slump,
Sherrill's got the left waves, Putz's getting big saves
Ninety-seven strikeouts Felix has so far
Got to vote 'em in, vote 'em in,
Jose's on the All-Star

Diss my team, but I don't care
I love these guys when they're on a tear
Games with the league that we love best
Sweeping out the Giants,
Beating up the NL West
The NL West

Now put your trades on the line and send your players down
You can call 'em up, call 'em up, waive 'em out of town
Ed to the Red, Choo to the Tribe
I don't care since we get to see Doyle tonight

Diss my team, but I don't care
Of how they suck, I am quite aware
Watching this streak has me depressed
Heading back to Oakland
Losing to the AL West
The AL West

Heading out to center, Ichiro's the mentor
Watching Willie Boom-Boom, striking out like Bret Boone
Give me give me Mark Lowe
Give me give me Fruto
Give me Jones, give me Green
Give me time to vent my spleen

This team sucks, and I don't care
I've lost all hope from this bad, bad year
They traded the guys that we liked best
I'm moving back to Philly,
Fed up with the AL West
The AL West

(Parts 1-3 were done last year. I'll go add a tag to all four of them.)

Yule Laugh
I'm sure there are plenty of good candidates here -- like Santa Pronk -- but I'd probably still list this year's appearance of Phanta Claus, or any of the other holiday events the Phillies have been doing, which are fun to read about. Makes me sort of sad I won't be in Philly until the 27th or so. There's also a great article with Cole Hamels, who admits that he unwraps his video games way before Christmas.

Yule Cry
To be fair, the only offseason move that actually made me shed tears was Michihiro Ogasawara's clean-shaven doppleganger signing with the Yomiuri Giants. But our beloved crazy Aussie outfielder Christopher "Doyle" Snelling getting traded away from the Mariners, despite the trade currently being on hold pending a Vidro physical, is still pretty sad. I went to the Mariners Team Store on Saturday, by the way, and they have player-issued jerseys from the 2005 season on sale for $60 -- so you can get a wide assortment of nice ex-Mariner jerseys like a Madritch #56, a Borders #37, a Nageotte #37, Thornton #53, and so on. Unfortunately, all the Snelling jerseys they have are "on sale" for $199. The store clerk told me that it was because those were 2006 used jerseys, not 2005. Bleh. I decided not to buy one, though the Uncle Rico one actually fit me fairly well.

Yule Sing
I'd been tossing this song idea around in my head for the last week or so. It's sort of ubiquitous rather than being keyed to just one team:

Stove League
(to the tune of "Sleigh Ride" by Leroy Anderson)
(New lyrics by Deanna "Marinerd" Rubin)

Just hear those cellphones beeping
As trades are cheapening too.
And all the press is fussin'
In a stove league discussion with you.
Online the fans are whining
As Theo's signing up Drew.
And all the scouts are gushin'
In a stove league discussion with you.

Sign 'em up, sign 'em up, sign 'em up, let's go
It's all a big show
We're giving them these contracts full of dough.
Sign 'em up, sign 'em up, sign 'em up, it's lame
Just playing the game.
We're finding a twit who can hit
So the fans recognize his name.

Our roster's full of losers
And beggar-choosers are we.
The 40-man is frozen
with the players we chose in '03.
And when we're feeling braver
We'll try to waiver 'em through.
There's just no sense in rushin'
In a stove league discussion with you.

There's a Krivsky mimic by the name of Flanagan
Signing ancient arms to bolster up the pen again.
Seems the Mariners, Reds, and Orioles will see the biggest flop
At the ticket booths when they watch attendance drop. Plop plop plop.

There's a perfect roster nothing in the world can buy
So we'll trade our soul for someone like Morneau or Dye.
It'll nearly be like a deal pulled off by Bowden or by Beane.
This wonderful plot's what we've got
when the seasons are in-between!

Just hear those cashbags jinglin',
Agents mingling through.
They'll get a deal for Lilly
That'll make you look sillier too.
You should consult a sponsor
If you're choosing Bonds or Alou.
But every batter's crushin'
In a stove league discussion with you.

Sign 'em up, sign 'em up, sign 'em up, let's go
These choices all blow.
We're looking for a catcher who can throw.
Sign 'em up, sign 'em up, sign 'em up, who cares
If we have young players
We'll balance our team with the theme
getting Thomas and Zaun and Stairs!

Our lineup's big on hitters
But not on splitters or curves.
We'll sign a Mirabelli
And he'll catch the hell he deserves.
So now it's time to park it
'Cause this bidding market's a zoo.
There's just no use in thinkin' when
Strike zone's shrinkin' and
Fastball's sinkin' and
Deals are stinkin' when
GM's winkin' and
stove league drinkin' with you.

This one was requested by PositivePaul a few days ago in a USSM thread, basically, to "Marinerize" the original song. Of course, I have a feeling the original song may be a little bit obscure, but ah well, here you go:

A Simple Insultory Philippic (Or How I Was Howard Lincoln'd Into Submission)
To the tune of "A Simple Desultory Philippic (Or How I Was Robert McNamara'd Into Submission)" by Simon and Garfunkel
New lyrics by Deanna "Marinerd" Rubin


I've been Mark Teixeira'ed, Juan Rivera'ed,
I've been Vlad Guerrerro'ed, then Pineiro'ed
I've been Grand Salami'ed weekly till I'm blind
I've been George Sherrilled, and imperiled
A columnist from the Everett Herald!
That's not the one you read? Well... nevermind.

I've been Robb Quinlanned, sent to Inland.
I've been Danny Harenned, John McLarenned.
Well, I've played every base I want to play
And I got platooned with Aaron Boone
And all of those splits won't buy me hits
So I take a swing (and then I pray).

I knew a man, who played some ball
He sure thinks that he knows it all
But not the same as you and me!
He's stuck back in history. He's so confused
That when you say "Richie"...
He thinks you're talking about Richie Ashburn!
Whoever he was.
The man ain't got no mojo.
But it's alright, Paul, everybody must get Rohned.

I been Nick Swishered, been silverfishered
Randy Johnson, won't you please come home?
I been pitchered, catchered, right and centered
Been Brad Pennyed and Chris Carpentered
I just discovered somebody nuked the Dome!

Play ball.

I've lost my lineup card, Grover...

I could talk about tonight's Mariners game, but dude, that was just ugly. So instead, I've written that song about Mark Lowe that I promised. Technically, it was supposed to be a song about Mark Lowe's slider, but, well, inspiration hit me like a Padilla fastball, and I couldn't quite duck it.


The Guy With The Slider
(to the tune of "Eye Of The Tiger" by Survivor)
(new lyrics by Deanna "Marinerd" Rubin)

Comin' out, back on the mound
Got the sign, threw his pitches
Went the inning, now he sat them all down
Just a man and an armful of heat

So many times, they're taking the bait
He makes the batters look silly
He gets his grip and it's hurled to the plate
As they fight just to stay on their feet

(Chorus:)
It's the guy with the slider
It's the arc of the flight
Darting down as the batter is retired
And the last of the lineup
Tries to hit him tonight
But they're striking out facing the guy
With the slider

Face to face, out on the field
Brush 'em back, actin' angry
They'll track his arm, still he keeps it concealed
'til they've swung, having misjudged the speed

(Repeat chorus)

Comin' out, finished the game
Got the save, got the glory
Several years from now they'll mention his name
As a man in the pitching elite

(Repeat chorus)

It's the guy with the slider,
The guy with the slider...

Red Sox 9, Mariners 4.

Jamie Moyer:
It's hot out at Safeco
Who knows where the plays go
I'd like to see some zeroes in their box.
I know I'm feeling rotten
My arm is made of cotton
I'm sweaty, I'm ready, so bring on the Sox.

Kyle Snyder:
How did I get here? It feels like a dream
From lousy Kansas City to this super-awesome team
I won't let them know
That I can't really throw.
It seems that I've got
to give it my best shot.

David Ortiz: Hey mon, I'm playing first!
Manny Ramirez: Ain't that where you the worst?
Gabe Kapler: I'm out in left field being Manny's feet...
Trot Nixon: At least I get to play.
Coco Crisp: You say that EVERY day.
Mark Loretta: Calm down, you guys, and revel in this heat--

Youkilis, Ortiz, Manny, Varitek: We'd like to hit the long ball!

Alex Gonzalez: That'd be sweet!

Red Sox (Chorus):
The long ball,
We hit 'em for Francona!
The long ball,
From here to Barcelona.
There's no corner of the outfield stands,
No spot in either 'pen
We'll hit the ball way out there
And we'll hit it out again!
Some people criticize us
And they say that we depend
On the glory of the home run
As our one offensive friend.
It's not that we're all slugging,
It's just that when it's hot
We'd rather circle bases on a trot.

Nixon: What?

Red Sox (Chorus):
The long ball!
The far wall--

Francona: Youkilis. You're up.

Ortiz:
Whoa, mon.
Watch that ball go, mon.
Youkie flies ta center and Markie goes ta right.
I'm gonna aim, mon.
This swing's my game, mon.
Slow-pitching Jame, mon...

[THWACK]

Adam Jones: Oh shit, it's gonna be a long night.

Ortiz:
I loving this first base!
I never lose my place.

Raul Ibanez:
Maybe if I hit a grounder
It'll smash your face.

Kapler:
Yippee! They made an error!
I thought that I'd be out.
But now I do the dance of joy and shout!

Gonzalez:
I love facing Jamie Moyer,
Truth be told.
It's not just pitching slowly
'Cause he's old;
It's that he's throwing cookies
And hitting them's so fun--
My average against him
Is a perfect number one!

Moyer: WHAT?

[THWACK]

Ibanez: Hey, that was a nice shot. He hit the Emerald Queen sign.

Betancourt:
You say Manny being Manny
I say Yuni being Yuni
Who say Richie being Richie?
You see Jamie being Jamie--

Bloomquist:
I'm Willie being Willie!

Betancourt: [rolls eyes] Really really?

Sexson: This is silly.

Moyer:
Why can't my team score some runs?
I'd like to have a longer rest just once.

Varitek: Trust me, Moyer, you will always remember this as the day you almost struck out...

[THWACK]

...Captain Jason Varitek.

George Sherrill: Jesus CHRIST will someone warn me when Moyer's gonna serve up another one so I don't get hit in the head on the way to the can.

Red Sox (Chorus):
The long ball,
The far wall,
We're gonna hit them out there
If we're hitting them at all!

Gonzalez:
My perfect average is intact,
I'm going to walk to first, infact.

Kevin Youkilis:
They call me the "Greek God Euclis",
They say I'm down with OBP.
Rather than being rebukeless,
I'd rather them think, "You KILL this"...

[THWACK]

Sox Fan in Section 152: Use the force, Youk. Use the force.

Mike Morse: What?

Greg Dobbs: Dude, you're not even here. Lay off my roster spot.

Moyer:
It's still so freaking hot out,
And I just can't get a break
How much freaking longer
Is this inning going to take?

Ortiz:
I loving this first base!
I can walk there at my pace!

Manny: [rapping]
Hey yo wussup hey
I'm Manny ya say
I'm the dude puttin' spikes in your E.R.A.
I'm the Moyer Destroyer,
I got a good sense
I'm puttin' the ball right over da fence
I'm the spark in the dark
Ain't no question no mark
That I'm gonna hit it straight outta da park

[THWACK]

Ichiro: The long ball...

Adam Jones: It has a sort of catchy tune, doesn't it?

Ibanez: The far wall...

Adam Jones: So this is what real major leaguers hit like, huh?

Moyer: I wondered when he'd finally go and make the bullpen call...

Johjima: You do okay, Moyer-san. Only give up six hits.

Sexson: Yeah, and five of them were jacks!

Johjima: Sounds like good poker hand!

Red Sox (Chorus):
The long ball,
The far wall,
Just give us a few hours, we'll hit homers to McCall.
We launch them to the outfield,
We don't know where they'll fall.
They could land in the bullpen
Or in the entry hall.
It's typical with Boston
To see the game be tossed in.
No matter the location
You'll see our dedication
To conquer every team for Red Sox Nation!

Mike Hargrove: Okay, guys, we're changing this musical to "Into the Woods."

Jake Woods: What?

Mike Hargrove: Just throw strikes, son.

Oakland 7, Mariners 2

When you can't find anything nice to say about your own team, might as well not say anything at all. I think my favorite moments of tonight's game were:

1) Seeing Frank Thomas turn a double into a single (and subsequently the announcers calling him Frank Robinson by accident)
2) Kendall catching a foul ball right out of the hands of the cameraman, who was hamming it up for like five minutes afterwards
3) Swisher's leaping ballet catch off Beltre, not just because it was a great catch but because his grin afterwards was the cutest thing I've ever seen in my entire life.

I just found out Jill Sobule's playing at the Tractor Tavern this Saturday at 7pm, and if I survive the Race for the Cure that morning and the Giants-Mariners game in the afternoon, and am still awake, I'm totally going. On that note, I wrote a song parody about tonight's game to the tune of a Jill Sobule song. No, I still have never been to the Coliseum (though I will be down there over July 4th weekend), so just pretend I'm writing this from the viewpoint of an A's fan who was actually there:

Haren Tonight
To the tune of "Karen by Night" by Jill Sobule

Haren, he's a pitcher for Oakland
He plays for the crowd on 66th Avenue
We come in late from Berkeley on the BART train
Haren's in warmup, right before game time
But we like him, he's fun but approachable
Really cool hair, sort of like Eckersley
We ask him, "Hey, come sign my new baseball hat,"
And Haren, he never declines

So we came to see
Haren tonight
Imagine he must give the batters a fright
With just a ball and a glove by his side
He's starting today, so let's cheer for
Haren tonight

Seventh inning, sitting near the dugout,
I overheard Ken Macha talking on the phone
He said, "Is Halsey there?
Make sure he's warming up
I'm not letting Dan go on alone"
Well, I didn't know what to think
Was he done for the night?
Was the pitch count for Haren a little high?
I sat right there
On the edge of my chair
As he retired the side

And we all saw
Haren tonight
His slider breaks out under the moonlight
It crosses the plate and is called for a strike
Beating out Joel Pineiro,
Haren tonight

Saw him run into the trouble in the top of the first,
He had the bases loaded with nobody out.
But he got a double play and a strikeout,
He was doing all right.
Then he went for six more innings
And surrendered no more runs
He missed a couple bats
And was backed by great defense
He passed a hundred pitches
And they took him out, but all night all we could talk about was
Haren tonight

The next morning, I blog as usual
Haren's start fresh in my memory
I sing with a smile, "Why, that game was swell,
I hope you watched last night."

Haren tonight
Imagine he must give the batters a fright
With just a glove and a ball by his side
We love when he plays so we're cheering
Haren tonight
The slider breaks out under the moonlight
It crosses the plate and is called for a strike
Beating out Joel Pineiro
Cooler than Kiko Calero
I wish they could all be like
Haren tonight

Beating out Joel Pineiro
Not that it's hard to beat Pineiro with the way he sucks now...
Haren tonight

Orioles 14, Mariners 4.

There's a ball club in our town
It's run by a clown
They can't keep the baseball down
And you can see them frown!

When they get some guys on base,
They never let them score,
They just hit the ball all wrong,
And as they strike out more, they tell you,

"Yes! We can't hit Halamas,
We can't hit Halamas today.
Not Williams, or Loewens,
Nor Brittons, nor Hawkins.
We can't put the ball in play.
We have no home runs by Ibanez
Instead there's grand slams by Hernandez, ah,
Yes, we can't hit Halamas
We can't hit Halamas today."

Scoring got so close for them that they called to the pen,
"Send me Putz (or Woods or Green), we're catching up again."
When they got up to the mound, there was no Yu Bet
Sure, they gave up those nine runs, but how could we forget
The team said

"Yes, we can't hit Halamas.
We can't hit Halamas today.
Sure, get Petagine,
But just like Joh-jimi,
He can't put the ball in play.
We'll walk Millar, Lopez, and Mora
With runs they get to scora,
Right, yes, we can't hit Halamas.
We can't hit Halamas today."

(to the tune of Yes! We have no Bananas, by Frank Silver and Irving Cohn.)

(Post title a reference to the 2001 Mariners commercial First Names.)

I ended up staying late at work because we were sort of trapped in the office due to the protest downtown, so I watched the Phillies-Braves game over Gameday. It was really reminiscent of Mariners games, as you can see -- a case of plenty of hits, not enough runs scored, plus the patented late-inning Franklin gopher ball. Anyway, for today's game summary, I am channelling Jimmy Rollins:


Wassup Phillies hey, it's J-Roll from the Bay,
Now gatha' round suckas, I got somethin' ta say.
In case ya ain't heard, I'm sittin' on third,
I wanna come home, but ya gimme the bird.
We gettin' on base but the runs ain't scorin',
I'm talkin' ta Chase 'cause he out there snorin',
We losin' last week, now we here in Atlanta,
We stealin' the sacks like a present from Santa,
We get two guys on, but then swingin' an' strike,
Yo Bobby an' Burly, Dellucci an' Mike.
We need some R to the B to the I, can ya hit 'em?
If they ain't gonna do it then we might as well sit 'em.
Hey brotha Bell, ya givin' em hell?
On a day where we slumpin', ya doin' real well.
Yo Rowan' and Ryan, I know you guys tryin'.
We left yas on base like the laundry out dryin'.
And Brett had it rough but he gave us a chance,
Tomorrow we brothas will go out and dance.
We get us support for our man Cory Lidle
And then bust a wrap on American Idol
...suckas.

I was listening to some musical soundtracks today, as I do from time to time, and as I was listening to A Chorus Line, I realized that you could easily take the tone of that show, a bunch of people auditioning for a musical... and it'd be awfully similar to the tone of a lot of those guys out there in Spring Training hoping for a roster spot, and well, I just started singing new lyrics to it, and one thing led to another...

God, I Hope I Get It
(to the tune of the opening song from A Chorus Line)

HARGROVE:
Step swing hit catch throw tag... Again!
Step swing hit catch throw tag... Again!
Step swing hit catch throw tag... Again!
Step swing hit catch throw tag... Right!
That connects with
Seam grip pause push toss step,
Step swing hit catch throw tag.
Got it? -- Going on, and
Toss catch step step plant toss,
Pivot, step, walk, walk, walk.
Right!  Let's do the whole combination, take your positions in the infield.
From the top, a five-six-seven-eight!

[Players do infield tosses and drills as the coaches observe.]

PITCHERS:
God, I hope I get it
I hope I get it
How many pitchers does he need?        
       (overlapping) FIELDERS: How many fielders does he need?
God, I hope I get it,
I hope I get it.
Which guys will start, who's in the pen?
Which guys will start, how many...?

PLAYERS:
Look at all the people!
At all the people.
How many players does he need?
How many pitch, how many bench,
How many fielders does he...?

JEFF HARRIS:
I really need this job.
Please God, I need this job.
I've got to get this job.

HARGROVE:
Okay, let's go back to the outfield and do some running.  Half of you 
line up here, half of you over there.  Go!

[Coaches stand there timing the players as they dash across the field.]

PLAYERS:
God, I really blew it!
I really blew it!
How could I move as slow as that?
Now they're gonna cut me!
They're gonna cut me!
He doesn't like the way I throw.
He doesn't like the way I hit.
He doesn't like the way I...

HARGROVE:
All right, let's see how you guys swing those bats.  Just take it easy 
and hit the ball.

[Players take batting practice as the coaching staff take notes.]

PLAYERS:
God, I think I've got it.
I think I've got it.
I knew they'd sign me all the time.
Still not on the roster.             ROBERTO PETAGINE: Who'll be cut next?
Not on the roster.
I can't imagine what he wants.       DAVE BURBA: Am I screwed now?
God, I hope I get it!
I hope I get it.
I've come this far, the goal's so near
Escape Tacoma for the year,
How many players does he...?

I really need this job.              MATT THORNTON: All of my options are gone. 
Please, God, I need this job.        GREG DOBBS: They can't resist my swing.
I want to reach the Show.

KEVIN APPIER:
Who am I anyway?
Can I still really play?
That is the question with an answer I don't know.

I'll show them I'm not through.
What should I try to do?
Those youthful faces all around, and here we go.
I need this job, oh god, I miss the Show.

Anyway, whee! WBC Japan vs. Cuba tonight. 6pm Pacific, 9pm Eastern, 11am Japan time, and it's 春分の日, so you should be home from work to watch the game!

I was asked a couple of weeks ago why I hadn't reviewed the book Moneyball, being as it's one of the most prominent recent baseball books. The reason I hadn't reviewed it is because I felt like so many other people had already said everything I could ever say about it; I didn't want to be just another person reviewing it in the exact same way.

Well, um, a few days ago I came up with a way to review it that I'm pretty sure has never been done before. See, I started writing a parody of the Michael Jackson song "Billie Jean" about Billy Beane... and then I came up with some other songs along the Moneyball theme as well... and next thing you know, BAM! I've got an 18k file full of lyrics and dialogue!

So, here, in all its glory, is the first draft (ha!) of my stage parody interpretation of the Michael Lewis book. Hope you enjoy it. I made it a separate page because it's too big to make a blog post out of. I've listed and linked to the songs themselves incase you don't feel like reading the rest of it, or if my liberal application of swearwords to Billy Beane's speech patterns offends you.

Moneyball: The Musical!

A musical book revue in two acts
By Deanna Rubin

Cast
Billy Beane as the General Manager
Paul Depodesta as the Computer Guy
Michael Lewis as the Narrator
Eric Kubota as the Head Scout
Jeremy Brown as the Draft Pick
Scott Hatteberg as the Pickin' Machine
and various scouts, family members, and a book reviewer

Songs

Act One

1. Prologue - Moneyball Tonight ("Comedy Tonight", from A Funny Thing Happened on the Way To the Forum)
2. Draft (Main theme from the musical "Rent")
3. The Ballad of Swisher's Kid ("The Ballad of Sweeney Todd", from Sweeney Todd)
4. I Just Get On Base ("I've Just Seen A Face" by the Beatles)

Act Two

1. Fixing the Hole ("Fixing A Hole" by the Beatles)
2. Giambi's Face ("The Rain in Spain" from My Fair Lady)
3. Scott Hatteberg, Pickin' Machine ("Truckin'" by the Grateful Dead)
4. Finale - Billy Beane ("Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson)

Constructive criticism is welcomed, of course, as is appropriate wording to include to make it obvious that it's a work of parody and I'm really just being a goofball and not intending any harm to Michael Lewis, Billy Beane, or anyone else.

Well, I wanted to write some sort of end-of-year post, but instead I wrote an end-of-year song, like I did last year. I'm really not sure "The Boxer" works so well, but the idea of making the chorus a tribute to Dave Niehaus was just too tempting, really. Have a happy and safe New Year, everyone!


Ladies and Gentlemen, your 2005 Seattle Mariners
To the tune of "The Boxer" by Simon and Garfunkel
New lyrics by Deanna "Marinerd" Rubin


I am just a fangirl, and my story's pretty dull
I have wandered all through Safeco
With a scorecard full of scribbles, such are summaries.
Games won and lost, still the team appears like it did last year,
In disregard to cost, hmmm...

When they started this season's tragedy, things were looking pretty good
With a couple big free agents
And the rookies from Tacoma seemed so talented.
Then, oh no! Dan's leg twisted, Bobby's arm blew out, and Miguel Olivo
Hit about as well as freakin' Spiezio.

My oh my...

Asking only for replacement, we go looking to trade Winn, but we get no offers
Just a prospect and a catcher named JoeJessica
I do declare, of the moves done at the trade deadline,
I think we got screwed there

Now the crowds abandon Safeco, an attendance drop you'll see,
They are smaller than they once were, and larger than they'll be, that's not unusual.
Yo, it's pretty strange, after bringing up King Felix, we are more or less the same
Roster changes, and we're still completely lame.

My oh my...

And we're calling up our minor leagues, Betancourt and Morse, Dobbs and Doyle,
'Cause our players have been plagued with inability... and injury, whoa-oh...

Out on home plate stands a catcher, after twelve years he has played
He's our very last reminder of the Mariners that made it to the playoffs
In the nineties
And they brought Seattle fame
Now we're scheming and we're dreaming
But the cold fact still remains:
We lost tons of games.

My oh my, my oh my my my my my...

Before we begin the festivities, here's a short note or two about the craziness of today -- firstly, when I wrote this a few months ago, I would have NEVER in my wildest dreams imagined Johnny Damon becoming a Yankee.

Secondly, the list of non-tenders is out, and oddly, there are only three guys on there I'd hope we go for. All are former A's that start with B's: Eric Byrnes, Chad Bradford, and Hiram Bocachica. I think Bocachica and Byrnes are both better outfielders than Ibanez or Everett, and Byrnes is not only a nice guy and fun player to watch, but he also totally mashes lefty pitching -- he's got upside as a platoon or bench bat or late-inning defensive sub. As for Chad Bradford, I love submarine pitchers, and it makes me sad that I've still never gotten to see him play in person.

Also, in addition to the Mariners getting rid of Ryan Franklin (and DFA'ing Greg Dobbs, meaning I may never finish that chapter of the Bullpen of Secrets featuring Dobby the Bench Elf), the Phillies non-tendered Endy Chavez. Thank god. And on that note, this is a Phillies edition of Marinerds Holiday Fun:

Yule Laugh

Wanta Phanta? Don't you want a... no, just kidding. The Philly Phanatic, among others such as Harry the K, made his appearance as Phanta Claus for a Phillies holiday event last weekend. Looks like fun, although I'm sure he scared a few little kids.

Yule Cry

Apparently the LG Twins of the Korean Baseball Organization signed Phillies pitcher Amaury Telemaco (and Manny Aybar, too) yesterday, for what looks like around 1yr/$250k each. I can't find an English version of the article, but as usual we've got a KBO thread on Westbay-san's forum here.

I put this under "cry" because quite frankly, Telemaco's pitching made me want to cry sometimes. I think he'll do well in Korea though.

Yule Sing

This is to the tune of "Jingle Bells". Sing with me! Ring with me!
(Yes, I'm aware it's not really "burr-ELL", but the "Burrell Ives Christmas" may have to wait for another time.)

Dashing through downtown
Riding SEPTA's Broad Street Line
Under the streets we bound
Hoping we're on time (Ha ha ha!)
Bell's on third again,
Diving to his right,
We fans would love an outing of
No errors made tonight.

Oh, David Bell, Pat Burrell, Rheal Cormier
Oh what fun it is deriding a 6 point ERA, eh?
David Bell, Pat Burrell, Rheal Cormier
Oh what fun it is to watch when the Phillies try to play!

Yeah, so it was a pretty good weekend. Among other things, I went up to Third Place Books to see Jonah Keri talk about the book Mind Game. In reality, he talked about Mind Game for about five minutes, and then he and Jeff Shaw (from USSM) did a baseball Q&A session for around an hour, during which time we not only got to see a printout of Jarrod Washburn's PECOTA, but we also got many laughs and found out that every question you could ever ask about baseball is apparently answered in this book that Jonah is editing. It's out March 6th. Perhaps I should get my act together for a Seattle-area baseball book club before then, eh?

It was quite the fun event, though, and I'm glad I went. Jeff and Jonah are incredibly entertaining, and it was good to see and/or meet various blogizens. Probably a good thing I wore my "Vote for Felix" blog joke shirt instead of my Jarrod Washburn shirt, too.

Anyway, in today's edition of Marinerds, we continue with our quest for the perfect holiday songs...

Yule Laugh

A friend of mine from college did the animation for this. It's quite hilarious and completely baseball-unrelated: Cluck Of The Bells

Yule Cry

Trust me when I tell you that nothing is as disturbing as listening to the vocal stylings of Jolly Rick Rizzs as he brings to you many a carol of Mariners Baseball.

Yule Sing

Okay, I'm not writing *good* lyrics for the holidays, but it's not like we're having a *good* offseason either, eh?

Winter Meeting Land
(to the tune of Winter Wonderland)

Cell phones ring, with new offers,
As GMs check their coffers,
A beautiful trade,
About to be made,
Walking in a winter meeting land.

Gone away, just a few guys
Here to stay are some new guys
The names that you'll find
Of players we've signed
Walking in a winter meeting land.

Up the middle we'll have Jose Lopez
And behind him centerfielder Reed
You'll see all those grounders off Hernandez
Scooped up and thrown to first with blinding speed.

Later on, we'll conspire
To obtain Mike Cuddyer
Our fan base will be
Just bursting with glee
Walking in a winter meeting land.

Sing with me, my esteemed companions!

Deck the blogs with rumoured signing,
Blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah.
'Tis the season to be whining,
Blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah.

Don we now our team apparel,
Blah blah blah, blah blah blah, blah blah blah,
Troll the ancient Hot Stove carol.
Blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah.

Alan Trammell followed Alex Rodriguez into the lounge, looking more than a bit confused as he looked at the group of guys hanging around. "Hey, Alex," he started, "I knew something strange had to be going on when you invited me to your house, but this looks like the weirdest party group I've ever seen."

A-Rod just smiled. "You're here by special invitation for a very special reason, my man." He waved an arm around, at the guys sitting, drinking, playing darts, pool, and poker. "What do these people all have in common?"

Trammell stared. He couldn't think of a single thing that Al Leiter, Albert Pujols, Alex Gonzalez, Alfonso Soriano, Alex Cora, and Alex Sanchez, among others, had in common. "They're all baseball players. Um. They're all baseball players whose names start with A?"

"You're on the right track. Keep going."

"Well, okay, their names all start with A and L. Except Sandy Alomar, what's he doing here?"

"Now you've got it! Everyone here, well, you can call them 'Al'. This is going to be the greatest team ever... it's the 2005 MVP AL STAR TEAM!" He waved Pujols to come over. "See, me and Al here, we realized that it was just too cool that both of the MVP winners were named Al. And so we wanted to come up with a special way to celebrate it."

"So," started Pujols, "We invited all of these other awesome Als here."

"Ha, guys," laughed Trammell, "Then what am I doing here?"

"You, Al Trammell," said Pujols, "are going to be the MANAGER of our awesome Al-Star Team."

Trammell glanced around. "I hate to break it to you, fellows, but most of these guys are shortstops. Who's going to play anywhere else?"

Pujols and A-Rod looked at each other and grinned. "Well, Rod's playing third and I'm playing first," started Pujols.

"Alomar's catching, obviously. We cheated, but the alternative was Alberto Castillo," A-Rod laughed. "As for the rest, well, it's obvious that the awesomest people would be Als and play shortstops, but the way I figure it, I'm the most awesome Al shortstop in the world and I've been playing elsewhere all year, so these guys can suck it up too."

"Alex Sanchez gets center field by default," continued Pujols. "Alfonso Soriano's playing second base, and we're giving Alex Cintron the shortstop job."

Trammell blinked. "Curious choice, men, why not Alex Gonzalez?"

A-Rod smiled. "Well, the problem is... which Alex Gonzalez? It wouldn't be fair to pick one over the other. And while the ALEX GONZALEZ SHORTSTOP DEATH MATCH sounded like a pretty cool pre-game event for our Al-Star Game, we figured it was a better idea to just put them both in the outfield rather than lose them to injury. One plays left, one plays right, we don't really care which."

Trammell seemed to accept this. "How about the bench? I assume Alex Cora is the infielder, Alexis Rios is the backup outfielder?"

Pujols nodded. "Yeah. Castillo's going to be our backup catcher, too. Al Leiter's the starting pitcher."

"You don't have much pitching for this team, actually. Alan Embree and... ah, another cheater, Alfonseca, in the bullpen?"

Pujols shrugged. "I wanted Al Reyes, but well, he's not throwing a ball again any time soon."

A-Rod said, "Well, now that it's all settled, we might as well get the party started, huh?" He clapped his hands loudly a couple of times. "GUYS!" he shouted.

Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked over at him.

"So, now that we've got our manager in the loop, we're ready to rock, I think. I'm guessing you've all figured out why you're here. Mr. Pujols and I, we could be happy just being the MVP's, sure. But we wanted to share the fun with an entire group. And all of you are what we consider the MLB's MAP's!"

"The Most Al-uable Players. This is going to be the most fun exhibition ever. We are all Als, and we are all stars. This is the greatest Al-star team ever assembled. Here's our proposed lineups," said Pujols, handing out sheets of paper to people.

A-Rod grinned as the papers were passed around. "We're celebrating all sorts of Als. In tribute to one of the earliest baseball Als, Al Spalding, the Spalding sporting goods is providing all sorts of equipment. In tribute to Alexander Cartwright, we're playing the game in New York."

"Oh, and wait until you hear the coolest part," said Pujols. "We contacted several celebrity Als to sing or perform for the pre-game. Weird Al Yankovic said he respectfully didn't think he'd fit in well with our Al-Star team, but he *did* write us a song for the occasion. Hey Rod, strike up the karaoke machine, man, and toss me a mic..."

A-Rod flicked a few switches on the complex media center, and music started blaring from the speakers. Pujols caught the microphone and started singing in a falsetto voice in the intro.

"I won my MVP..." he sang in his best imitation of Sting. The drums pounded. "I won my MVP..."

The rest of the room started nodding their heads to the guitar of Mark Knopfler and Dire Straits as the music to "Money For Nothing" played.


A-Rod:
Now look at them voters, here's the way you do it
You play the baseball as a stud Yankee
We got the writers, got the big-ass payroll
But money means nothin' to a guy like me.
Now that guy Pujols, playin' on the Cardinals
Lemme tell you, that guy can jam
Maybe'd be his second if not for that Bonds guy
Maybe he's as awesome as I am

I fought to win some mighty great sluggers
Vlad Guererro, and Dave Ortiz
I got to send them back to the dugout
'Cause they ain't this year's MVP's

Pujols:
See that A-Rod with his ribbies and his homers?
Yeah, buddy, he's a nightmare
That crazy slugger's gonna be a hall of famer
That crazy slugger is a zillionaire

I fought to win some mighty great sluggers
Andruw Jones, and Derrek Lee
I got to send them back to the dugout
'Cause they ain't this year's MVP

A-Rod:
I shoulda learned to pitch like a star
I shoulda learned to strike out bums
Look at those slackers, they're out there, sitting in the outfield 'pen
Goofing off all day
The call comes, "What's that? Pitch for an inning?"
They're throwin' on the mound for just an out or three
See, that ain't workin', that's the way you do it
Get your money for nothing and your naps for free

Both:
We had to beat some mighty great sluggers
But we're the finest as you can see
We got to send them back to the dugout
'Cause they ain't this year's MVP

Pujols:
Now we're the winners, any way you cut it
We worked our butts off for that MVP
We're always out there, lookin' at those bench guys
They get their money for nothing and their naps for free

A-Rod:
You get your money for nothin', and your naps for free

Pujols (overlapping):
I won my, I won my, I won my MVP...


Everybody applauded. The music faded out.

"So, um, hey, A," said Alfonso Soriano. "Having an Al-star team is good and all, but who exactly are we going to play against?"

Pujols shrugged. "Well, that isn't exactly clear yet. It's looking like it'll probably be Ryan Howard and the All-Ryan team, though."

"Yeah," agreed A-Rod. "For some reason, Vlad's having issues getting together an All-Vlad team."

Sing with me! To the tune of "Sussudio" by Phil Collins.


There's this guy in our starting nine
All the time,
Scu-scu-scutaro, whoah-oh!

Now he just has the coolest name
And I like the way he plays the game
Scu-scu-scutaro, whoah-oh!

Oh, for a grounder, he'll be there
He'll go running anywhere
He's all we need, every night
He fields so good, if I just say the word
Scu-scu-scutaro, just say the word,
Oh, Scu-scu-scutaro!

Now he's not quite Michael Young
But he is much more fun,
Scu-scu-scutaro, whoah-oh!

Oh, tell him to swing, give him the sign
He'll hit it down the line
Scu-scu-scutaro, whoah-oh!

I'm just glad to have him on my team
We see him in pre-game and we cheer and scream
He made me nervous, he signed my shirt
And he fields so good when I just say the word
Scu-scu-scutaro, just say the word,
Oh, Scu-scu-scutaro!

Let's sing a song in honour of our very own favorite pitching prospect starting in Detroit yesterday.

This is to the tune of "Prince Ali" from Aladdin, and hopefully will be another installment in Mariners! The Musical.
(New lyrics by me, Deanna Rubin. Please don't re-post without including credit, thanks.)

King Felix!

Hey! Clear the way in the baseball park
Hey you! Let us through!
It's a bright new star!
Oh, come, see the first at the plate that he'll destroy

Make way, here he comes!
Ring bells! Bang the drums!
Are you gonna love this boy!

It's the king! Everyone sing!
Felix Hernandez.
Write a K in for the play
Definitely.
We'll see the King taking aim
At home in next Tuesday's game
So come and watch this spectacular battery!

It's the king! Everyone sing!
Felix Hernandez.
He'll get ten bat-swinging men
Down on strike three.
He faced the PCL trench
A hundred strikeouts commenced
Who sent those guys to their bench?
Why, it's the king.

He was 9 and 4 down in Tacoma
   (Ain't he amazing, Rick?)
Home runs on him? Gave up only three
   (Fabulous, Fairly, I love his curveballs.)
He sure earned his minor league diploma
How's he gonna do?
I'm telling you,
he's a twenty-win guarantee!

It's the king, everyone sing,
   (There's no question he's a pitching genius)
Felix Hernandez.
   (And they say that he's only nineteen, yes?)
That physique! How can I speak? Reverently.
   (Everything about the guy just plain impresses)
Well, get on out to the Safe
   (He's a phenom, he's so great, a wonder)
And sit there in disbelief
   (He will tear opposing bats asunder)
We'll hail our new pitching chief, our Felix king.
   (And I absolutely love the way he dresses!)

He walked ninety-six guys in the minors
   (Well, in the minors, they must be whiners)
But in strikeouts, got three-sixty-three
   (They're numerous, so numerous!)
And his curveball's got movement like shiners
   (Bounces down for him)
It hops to the plate, they swing too late
They're just jumpy with jealousy for the King! He's the King!

He's the king! Everyone sing!
Felix Hernandez!
Heard that Safeco was a sight awful to see
And that, Seattle, is why
He suited up and dropped by
With tricks abundant, and power galore
With his curves and sliders,
A fastball and more
So this pitching gala from Venezuela
A revolution he'll bring
Make way, for he's our King!

EDIT> Okay, it's a little more complete now :)