A Large Regular

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks "Are you good at doing tattoos of celebrities?

"The guy says, "Sure, I'm pretty good. What do you want done?"

The lady says, "I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh."

"No problem," says the artist. "Take your pants off and get up on the table."

After a couple of hours, he finishes, and she sits up and examines the tattoos.

"That doesn't look like either of them!" she complains.

"Sure it does," he says, "and I'll prove it to you." With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find, who happens to be the town drunk.

"Well, what do you think?" the woman asks the drunk, spreading her legs. "Do you know who these men are?" 

The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says. "Well, I'm not too sure who the other two are, but the guy in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!"

Many a truth is said in jest.

- Admit I laughed at this.

- Heh Heh

- Note to self - use old cell phones for this purpose

- Thank God for the European farmers.

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't!" she exclaimed. "Yes, I did." he replied. "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."

 

Miscellaneous thoughts and observations.

Did I miss a memo from about a year ago when it was decided all waitstaff will respond "Of course" to any request or you saying "Thank you?" Did this come from Canada like a couple of decades ago when people all started saying "Thanks so much?"... For the record - I did not order the Code Red. You're goddamn right I didn't!... Who knew? Tim Burton's first choice to play the title role in the movie Beetlejuice was Sammy Davis Jr... This joke would be funnier if it wasn't so accurate; "You can always tell a guy who masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely - you'll see a wedding ring"... With summer upon us here's a handy tip. In the wilderness dusk with crickets chirping in harmony - if you count the number of chirps in in 15 seconds and then add 40 you'll get the air temperature in degrees Fahrenheit... My two word response to people who ask me why I support the death penalty - Jerry Sandusky... 

 Cant let Borepatch have all the fun:

I say "mucho" to all my Hispanic friends.

It means a lot to them.

And:

What do you call a magician who has lost his magic?

Ian

Stuff I found interesting or amusing and thought I'd share.

- Interesting - Space Force's reported role in foiling Iranian missile attack.

-  Abraham Lincoln on living with loss.

- Buddy Hackett's duck joke

- Do the real thing. Excellent advice.

EDIT: Adding this link as well. Forward it to the people you think may be interested in this info.

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't!" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did." he replied.
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."

Miscellaneous thoughts and observations.

Is it too far fetched to think that additional credible "me too" allegations will surface about Joe Biden? Would it be even more far fetched to believe those allegations will be spurred on by folks inside the DNC from either Hillary supporters or folks who would like Governor Cuomo to replace Joe Biden at the top of the ticket?... Just saying but Immortan Joe was way ahead of the curve on wearing a mask in public... A little religious humor, "And the Lord said to John, 'Come forth and you shall receive an eternal reward.' But John came fifth, so all he got was a toaster" (Via)...  A "Smart Toilet" that identifies "users" by their butthole? Maybe the "Internet of Things" has gotten just a little out of hand... Has the term "moonbat" fallen out of favor or has the Twitter mute function greatly reduced the need for the label? You just don't seem to hear anyone called a "moonbat" anymore... Heaven help me but I really miss going out to bars to drink...

Miscellaneous thoughts and observations.

Dear Men's Health or Dr. Fauci - will seeing naked pictures of Bette Midler kill the coronavirus? Asking for a friend... So at least self-quarantining has given us this...  PSA - Jack Daniels is not just for breakfast anymore... Joke from the past - Pay Your Bills!... Something to think about - prior to the US invasion of Iraq, UNICEF estimated that between UN sanctions that created shortages and the brutality of Saddam Hussein roughly 5,000 Iraqi babies (children under 5-years of age) died or were killed every month. That's 60,000 babies every year...

Norman and his blonde wife live in Boston. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park..........." then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through?" With the love and understanding in his voice like all of us men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

Miscellaneous thoughts and observations.

With Astros GM Jeff Luhnow and manager AJ Hinch first being suspended for a year by MLB then fired by Houston's owner Jim Crane, I'd look for the next shoe to drop being a heavy fine and suspension for current Red Sox manager Alex Cora. I'd also expect the Boston Globe (owned by Red Sox owner John Henry) to do a big expose on the Patriots in response... Q: What did the fish say when it bumped its head on a cement wall? A: Dam!... Why do I feel the phrase "Stuck on Stupid" is going to make a big comeback in 2020... "Writing is like prostitution. First you do it for love, and then for a few close friends, and then for money." - Moliere... GOOP has a candle called "Smells Like My Vagina" while Burger King has a meatless burger called "Tastes Like My Ass"...

Today would have been Rodney Dangerfield's 98th birthday. Some of my favorite Dangerfield one-liners.

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said " on your mark ......"

Heh heh.

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't!" she exclaimed. "Yes, I did." he replied. "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."

Miscellaneous thoughts and observations.

Expectations in Boston are such for the Bruins that any season that ends before the May 5th anniversary of Bobby Orr flying through the air after beating the St Louis Blues in 1970 is deemed a failure... Crossover movie idea - Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Infinity Stone... This is 100% true... Is it just me or did the entire national media agree to forget that Senator Dianne Feinstein employed a Chinese spy as her personal driver for years? Seems to me that should have been a bigger story... This is insane! And this zoomable photo is just our galaxy. We are so infinitesimal... "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." - Benjamin Franklin... A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you but don't start anything."... 

The Pope is working on a crossword puzzle and asks his assistant, "Can you think of a four-letter word for 'one type of woman' that ends in u-n-t?"

"How about aunt?" says the assistant.

"Oh, yeah," says the Pope. "You got an eraser?"

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. "What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family." 

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ." 

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?" 

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!" 

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!" 

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!" 

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" 

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, when this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!" 

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother. 

"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!" 

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

"You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"

An old joke but a good one.

A waiter asks a man, "May I take your order, sir?" 

"Yes," the man replies. "I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?" 

"Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

Heh heh.

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't!" she exclaimed. "Yes, I did." he replied. "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."