All You Need to Know

Somebody pump the tap, we're getting a weak stream. And check the prostate as a precaution. Is that white, cloudy discharge evidence of gonorrhea?

Cut me off. Wait, let me rephrase that.

Saw this dude last month at the Chicago Theater and laughed my ass off the entire show. His name is Jim Gaffigan - you have seen him on the sit-com "My Boys," or appearing in a variety of commercial advertisements. Good shit, folks. Solid stand-up.

Here's a clip. I highly recommend you check this guy out if/when he's performing at a venue near you.

If you love Jib Jab, here's another fine production for your files. This one pokes fun at some of the sensational bullshit we call news these days. It's actually remarkable some days the crap that passes as "newsworthy."

For example, right now, as I post this, one of the top headlines on MSNBC.COM is:

"Spears, K-FED reach settlement."

AYFKM?

That is NOT news. That is what should be private information about a personal relationship between two people (whose time in the spotlight, incidentally, expired a long time ago). Does anyone really care about that? How is that information helpful? And how is it more important than, let's see what's buried lower on the page - escalating tension over Iran's capture and detainment of 15 British Naval officers? One story has absolutely zero impact on my life while the other could significantly alter the course of world history. And enough with the Anna Nicole saga already - you'd think she was Mother Teresa with the amount of media coverage spent on her death. She was a fucked up ex-centerfold with a weight problem and substance abuse issues. I'm sure she was a great mom, too - but I don't need to see it all over the news every night.

I worry about our priorities as a nation when I see important domestic and international issues constantly overshadowed by sensational and pointless journalism that keeps us focused on the unimportant at the expense of actual information that might otherwise help us enjoy a greater understanding of the world we live in.

And now, if you will excuse me, I must step down from my soapbox to watch SportsCenter.


Seriously, though - go check out this link!

I thought the whole point to a secret is that you DON'T TELL ANYONE WHAT IT IS. I don't know anything about this woman, but she's sure got a lot of nerve.





Now that the Secret is out, all hell is breaking loose. Fat, bald dudes are having sex with supermodels. Thousands are splitting the lottery jackpot every night. White people can jump. Even Hillary is said to have been spotted with something resembling a personality. It's been crazy, y'all. The cat is out of the bag. If you dream it, it will come. And it must be true because it was on Oprah. Just look at how well it's been working for her. She's basically become America's version of The Queen. A symbolic figure whose cultural relevance serves as a reminder of our nation's fascination with mass media. If it's good enough for Queen Oprah...

Personally, I have not read "The Secret," nor do I intend to. From what I understand, it's little more than recycled self-help pep-talk in shiny new packaging. In fact, I'm pretty sure I read everything I need to know about "The Secret" 20 years ago in a book called "Creative Visualization" by Shakti Gawain. Go ahead and look it up - the contents may sound eerily familiar: Envision what you want and the universe will get right to work on it for you.

I'm trying to remember how that worked for me back then. Oh yeah. Didn't get laid. Didn't get rich. Didn't get any taller. So much for the power of positive thinking.

So, no, haven't been swept up yet by Oprah's wave of approved spiritual content practically guaranteed to improve my existence. I do know enough about what is preached in its pages to give it another go, however. Here are ten future creations I have been actively envisioning.

Come on universe...let's do this!


President Obama

World Champion Chicago Cubs

Marijuana section at Osco

Cheney in cuffs (with a ball gag in his mouth and wearing pink satin panties)

"Happy Birthday to You" sung soulfully to me by Sting

Free wi-fi at Starbucks (what the hell are they thinking with that T-Mobil bullshit?)

Cancer-fighting bacon (that also makes you taller when eaten with cheese)

Relocation of all of the hair on my ass, back, and shoulders to the top of my head

A congressional enema - election day turnover with zero incumbency

Joe Theismann replaced by anyone


WHOA! What's that you say about Joe Theismann?!? No WAY!!

Well how about that? One for ten.

Hey...it's a start.

I was on the shitter this morning, the birthplace of creativity, when I found myself immersed in deep thought over the possibility of a new line of porno flicks loosely based on classic American films. Genius, no? Okay, perhaps not. But it sure was fun to brainstorm potential titles!

Classic Porn:

Assablanca

Lawrence of Our Labia

Psyche, Ho!

Diddler on the Roof

12 Horny Men

African Queen

Rear Window

The Mall-tease Fuckin’

A Streetgirl Named Desire

Bend-Hur

Snatch Cassidy & the Lap Dance Kid

Scat on a Hot Plastic Roof

Mutiny on the Booty

Lass-he

Easy Rider

The Wizard of Ahhhhs

I'm sure you've seen this classic You Tube video of Matt dancing, but it gives me a smile every time. Love the kids in the clips from Africa. Here's a pleasant way to start off your Monday.