All You Need to Know

You know what really fucking sucks? That women in our society are treated as sex objects. I hate it. Everywhere you look women are coveted for the way they look instead of being appreciated for who they are or what they do. It's just wrong...and it's not FAIR!

Just once I'D like to be objectified for the way I look - to be judged on my physical appearance and sex appeal. To have people ignore my other qualities and say things like, "He only got that job because of the humongous bulge in his Dockers." Or, "He looks like a slut...but I'd wear those jeans, too, if I had his ass." To get whistled at just for getting into my car. To notice all the heads turn as I sashay my sizzlin' rump down the sidewalk. To get people to stop what they're doing and help me out just because, in some twisted fantasy world in their head, I may be so grateful I will decide to sleep with them.

Yeah...just ONCE I'd like to wield that kind of power. Then it's back to being all about what I do and what I drive. Oh, he's a lawyer with twin Mercedes. Oh, she's married to a doctor - drives a Land Rover. Oh, he used to play football at Purdue...nice Escalade. Oh, he's the problem gambler with the Corvette.




[Yes, I am kidding. No need to comment on my enormous package.]

American television takes a lot of knocks for having virtually no cultural value whatsoever. But we're not the only ones drowning in a sea of sensationalism. In fact, I'd argue that the Japanese are way beyond the Americans where crap programming is concerned.

You be the judge.

Say this tongue twister...OR ELSE!

Or else what? Tune in and find out!

Anyone who commutes knows that traffic can be hell. My buddy JD KNEW he was in hell when he looked up and saw the back of this school bus.

He said he got another chuckle when he noticed that, as it rounded the corner, it was a short bus. That's the one good thing about hell - you can do and say all those awful things you used to say you were going to go to hell for...and it doesn't matter because you're already there!

Like giggling at the short bus...

You know what I'm REALLY good at? Pissing in the dark. An underdeveloped skill in most people, I can piss with expert precision in zero-illumination environments. I wasn't always this sharp a marksman. There was a time it took me several test blasts before I was able to hone in on the porcelain target. But now I have everything worked out.

Why would anyone want to piss in the dark? Because when you're still half asleep at four in the morning, flipping on a light switch and blasting fully dilated pupils with 75 watts can be downright painful. Sometimes you just want to meander in, piss, and meander back to bed with your eyes closed - as if sleepwalking. Makes the exercise less disruptive to an otherwise good night's rest. Here's what I do:

I take small steps up to the pot until I can feel the cold porcelain touching my shins. I adjust my position so the coldness feels equally spaced. Once centered, I take a half step back with each foot to create a little distance. I fish Nemo out of hiding, stretch him fully to clear the urethra for safe passage, direct him straight out to where I imagine the back of the bowl is, then straight down at the floor, then bring him back up half way between the two points at what I would estimate to be a 45 degree angle. I relax the smooth muscles and whiz away. As the stream hits the water, I gauge my proximity from the center by sound - like a bat echo-mapping its way through the darkness. This enables me to fine tune my stream, preventing excess mist from accumulating on the rim.

As I feel myself nearing completion, I lean forward slightly to ensure my entire unit is above the bowl, directing Nemo straight down to squeeze out those last few drops. Urination complete, I stuff him back into my boxers and reach forward to flush. From my sonar exercises I know precisely where the handle is. And then I shuffle back to bed with an empty bladder for several more hours of peaceful slumber.

A guy at work captured this photo yesterday of Mario Wallenda, an original member of "The Flying Wallendas." Mario was left a paraplegic by a fall over 40 years ago, but he didn't let that stop him from riding the rope again. In this picture, the 66-year-old daredevil can be seen balancing his special "sky cycle" as crosses the Chicago River.

I'm told there was quite a crowd there, as the stunt was arranged by a local radio station. You can see a lot of pedestrians stopped on the bridge in the distance. I'm told the tight-rope ride was rather anticlimactic - Mario reached the other side without incident. The guy who snapped this shot was disappointed, saying: "The least he could have done was wobble a little bit or something. He cruised across like it was no problem. It was kind of boring actually."

Does anyone else think there's something fundamentally wrong with Islamic Fundamentalists?

Many have been calling for the Pope's execution. Yes - they want the Pope dead because of some remarks he made about the prophet Mohammed - remarks the Vatican says were taken out of context. It was actually a quote from some 13th century know-it-all no one's ever heard of. No matter - it gave Mulsims another excuse to hate westerners and declare Jihad on the non-Muslim world. Another day in the life...

This political cartoon captures the irony perfectly.

It seems to me a good chunk of the nation of Islam is perpetually on the verge of violent protest. They seem to thrive on it. At first, the Pope's remarks, which were delivered in a speech (he wishes he could take back, I'm sure) last week, only invited rebuke. Top clerics merely demanded an apology from the Pontiff. But once the apology came, suddenly it wasn't good enough. Now, nothing short of his execution will suffice. "Sorry, you quoted a dude who, centuries ago, had some disparaging things to say about Mohammed, and for that you must die." They're burning effigies of the Catholic pointman in streets all around the world. Why can't these folks just settle down already?

Now that Christianity is in the crosshairs, why don't we see bloodthirsty Roman Catholic protesters burning pictures of Mohammed in the street? Where's the call to execute radical Muslim clerics? Is this a media bias? Or is it possible that one of the fundamental differences between Islam and other world religions is an emphasis on the sword? These folks are a sensitive bunch, and passionate about their protests. Remember the cartoon controversy? Pictures and words. If I were an image consultant hired to clean up the reputation of Islamic zealots, my advice would be:

"Settle the fuck down already. This isn't good PR for you folks. You keep telling the world that Islam is supposedly a "peaceful" religion, but the proof is in the protest. Every time someone says something you don't agree with, there's worldwide outrage and chants of death to [fill-in-the-blank]. You're promoting the perception that you're not a reasonable bunch. You need a new approach here. From now on, here's your sound byte: Sticks and stones may break our bones, but words will never hurt us. That's it. No more death threats. No more riots in the street. No more holy wars. Only sticks and stones."