Rita Rudner
Rita Rudner (born 17 September 1953) is an American comedian and writer.
Quotes
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- We did long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we decided to buy a dog. Cheaper, and… get more feet.
- When Dr. Katz asks whether she and her husband have discussed children
- Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist, "Real Estate" [2.02], 29 October 1995
- I love being married, I do. It's so great to find that one special person that you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Best of the Improv, Vol. 3 (2003)
- Well, the old theory was "marry an older man because they're more mature". But the new theory is "men don't mature — marry a young one".
- Best of the Improv, Vol. 3 (2003)
- My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
- Whenever I date a guy, I think, "Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?"
- My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married, and I didn't want him to.
- Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
- My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
- I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Naked Beneath My Clothes (1992)
[edit]- To me, life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.
- On pregnancy
- Essay 2: "How Can I Have Morning Sickness When I Don't Get Up 'Til Noon"?, p. 6[1]
- [One of my friends] was in labor for 36 hours. (I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.)
- On childbirth
- Essay 2, p. 7[1]
- Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary; the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into the pouch, and proceeds to mature. I'd have a baby if it would develop in my handbag.
- On pregnancy and childbirth
- Essay 2, p. 7-8[1]
- I don't even know how this word came into being: "aerobics". I guess gym instructors got together and said, "If we're going to charge ten dollars an hour, we can't call it 'jumping up and down'."
- Essay 4: "Survival of the Fattest", p. 18[1]
- Nobody is really happy with what's on their head. People with straight hair want curly, people with curly want straight, and bald people want everyone to be blind.
- Essay 7: "Should I Get My Head Analyzed or Just My Hair?", p. 24[1]
- Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don't like flowers. I have a great idea for a scent that will attract men — how about "New Car Interior"?
- Essay 16: "Flirting with Success", p. 61[1]
- I had teeth that stuck out so far, I used to eat other kids' candy bars by accident.
- Essay 42: "Fillings Nothing … More Than Fillings", p. 151[1]
