(Note: Asterisks denote direct quotes from the show.)
1. Girl’s Night Out, Part 3 (continued from last week)
Camille: I know I said I was okay with Kyle’s apology earlier, but that was five minutes ago. I’m addicted to drama — it’s a condition, okay? So, can we talk again about how you said nobody is interested in me without Kelsey, or what? It’s been like ten minutes already. I want to point out once again how jealous you are of me.
Kyle: Are you insane? Do you not understand I have severe anger-management issues? Luckily, my sister was there when I didn’t say the things you’re saying I said. My sister will defend me! Kim, you were sitting right there! Tell her!
Kim: I get so confused!* Being a child actress, I find boundaries very problematic. Like now, is this reality, or reality TV?
Lisa: Oh for God’s sake, really? Do you realize you’re practically begging to be crushed to death with this tantalizing weakness of yours? Is everyone with me on this?
Everyone: Fuck yes.
Kim: Okay, fine, it’s true. I never heard my sister say any of the things Camille claims she says. But being a victim of prolonged emotional abuse — and a child actress — I don’t handle stress well. Is it obvious?
Camille: I think Lisa has a Machiavelic* streak. Anyway, I’m out of here, ladies. I can’t resist the opportunity to stalk off in a snit. Being wronged so rocks!
[She leaves.]
Kyle: Thanks a lot, Kim.
Kim: I’m still confused! I don’t know what to do! I’m going to turn on Taylor now! Help!
Taylor: Watch it, or I’m going to take you out back and get all Oklahoma on your ass.*
Kim: Sounds really scary. What would that entail, exactly?
Taylor: I actually have no idea.
2. Adrienne and Paul Primp for Funeral
Adrienne: Can you fasten this enormous crucifix to my throat? I’m feeling a Corleone moment.
Paul: Sure. Here, let me fail to live up to your expectations somehow.
Adrienne: You are so incompetent. I mean, look at my face!
Paul: Hey, at least I never let you down on the letting-you-down front.
Adrienne: That’s true.
3. Lisa and Kyle Go Shopping
Kyle: So, I was feeling really, really bad about my fight with Camille, and I was thinking I should skip the premiere altogether, but then I went shopping with Lisa and found the cutest outfit, and it made me remember what’s important in life and how you should always try to rise above and be the better person if it means you’ll get to look really good at a red-carpet event. So I called Camille and apologized to her voice mail.
4. Ken Gets Lost in the Garden Again
Ken: This is fun, isn’t it, little fluffy dog? Just me and you in matching shirts, strolling through the garden with the other little fluffy dogs? Oops! Looks like we’re stuck in the hedges again! Hey! What’s Mr. Turtle doing in the pool? Come on out, Mr. Turtle! That’s a toxic environment. That chlorine will kill you. Time to go back to your pond … Hmmm, does this little segment feel loaded with metaphor and portent, or is it just me?
5. Camille Returns to the Comfort of Her Paid/Economically Dependent Entourage, Where She Is Safe From Harm
Joe (doing her makeup): I was gay-bashed once, so I can almost relate to the horrible abuse you underwent last night.
D.D. (doing her hair): I’m going to make protective maternal sounds now, you poor defenseless ducky. Coo! Coo!
Camille: Hee-hee. Yeah, Kyle loves me. In that way. She envies my awesome, awesome life with my A-list husband, Kelsey Grammer. Her husband is our reel-a-tor.*
D.D.: Your ex-reel-a-tor!*
Camille: Ha-ha-ha! Now I’m going to use this trumped-up accusation to cost her husband a big client and (hopefully!) undermine her marriage! Why should she have an attractive husband who loves her? Fingers crossed!
6. Grudge Brunch!
Kim: So, yesterday was my mom’s birthday.* And I started a jewelry line because of my mom.* So the first thing I wanted to do was give you something special.*
Taylor: My lips are flapping open in disbelief. It’s like a flounder is dying on my face. What’s up with the inappropriate product-line promotion?
Kyle: Yeah, thanks. Sparkly. Can we get back to my Camille problem now? I mean, I hate the bitch, but I so want to be a remora on the fame-ass of her estranged husband! What’s the right thing to do?
Kim: Yeah, it’s not fair! I mean, you never said any of the stuff she said you said!
Kyle: Why didn’t you say that yesterday?
Kim: I’m sorry! The two of you scare the crap out me! I mean, you’re like a Munchausen-by-proxy mommy to me and Camille — I keep thinking she’s going to grab hold of her cheek implants and tear her face open to reveal a giant, former-child-actress-eating lizard! I thought I was having a psychotic break!
Lisa: You know what I need? I need a psychotic break.
Kyle: Tell me about it.
7. Husband-Comparison Montage, With Our Final Scores
Adrienne: Taylor called from New York to say she wishes I’d have been there to stop the carnage. Speaking of wishing that someone had been there, smooth move on scheduling your man-date on the night my uncle dropped dead.
Paul: What’d I do?
Adrienne: You know you should have been there for me and my mom, suffering alongside us as we glared at you.
Paul: You’re right. But can I just say one thing in my defense? No? Okay.
Score: 8 out of 10
Taylor: My husband’s watching that kid I had for post-divorce-settlement reasons. I hope he knows she needs to eat.
Russell: Hey, honey, it’s okay. You can come out from under the table. I’m your dad! What kind of food are you supposed to eat, huh? Are there special pellets of some kind in the cupboard?
Score: 1 out of 10
Mauricio: Behold as I frolic in my daughter-filled Eden, effortlessly parenting them as I glide through the water like an Adonis!
Score: 10 out of 10
Russell: I don’t think you like my cooking.
Kennedy: Nope.
Russell: You’re going to hurt my feelings.
Kennedy: I don’t know what that means.* I wasn’t raised to have empathy, daddy, remember?
Score: 1 out of 10
8. Red-Carpet Portent
D.D. to Camille: Every woman in the whole world is jealous of you. Every woman in the whole world wishes she were you. There is not a woman in the world that would not trade places with you in a heartbeat. Can I have my cocaine now?
Camille to D.D.: Here, hold my stuff.
Kyle: Oh no. I’m starting to get the feeling my cute little white bolero isn’t going to protect me from anything. I feel vulnerable!
Camille to Nick: Come here. Let’s caress each other while talking about Kelsey as though he were my own personal accomplishment. Now look at my boobs.
Kyle: Hi, Camille!
Camille: Hi, Kyle! I’m going to give you the cold shoulder now. Watch! Now I’m going to call you a petulant child without any sense of irony.
Everyone: Let’s ditch Kim in the bathroom!
9. After the Show, Camille and Kelsey Reunite As Strangers
Camille: Oh, hello!
Kelsey: Oh God, it’s you. Okay, peck and recoil. Can you get out of my dressing room, please? Before my next wife walks in?
Camille: I’m going to make you sweat a little first. Ooh, look at the pretty flowers! Can you sign these programs for the skanks on my show?
Kelsey: Sure, sure! Just go away.
Camille: She’s in the closet, isn’t she?
10. Kelsey Joins the Ladies
Kelsey: So you ladies came without husbands, huh? Smart girls. You’re better off without them. I know Camille is better off without me, just as Nick’s wife is better off without him, and soon, Nick will be better off with the palimony Camille ends up doling out from our divorce settlement. Ah, the circle of life. The wheel keeps turning. I guess the best you can hope for in a long relationship is that you married someone who’s decent and nice.* Clearly, I was too drunk and high at the time I met Camille to manage that much.
11. Limo Ride Back to the Airport, an Introspective Moment
Kyle: What I’ve learned is that star-fucking is an empty and unrewarding experience, and that no amount of proximity to former sitcom stars can compare to the feeling of being at home with my family. Also, sisterhood is great. You can totally berate your sister one moment for not standing up for you, then go right back to your mean, undermining ways the next, just as if nothing had happened.
Kim: I’m starting to think that maybe I should find someone, too.
Kyle: You’re just starting to think about that? Now? I mean, how old are you? 100?
Kim: Why don’t you bitches set me up already?
All: Project!