1. Kyle Overpacks for Palm Desert
Kyle [on phone]: Hi, Kim. Well, I guess I have no choice but to invite you to this Easter thing, so I invited some other people as buffers, okay? Try not to embarrass me. Love ya!
Husband: Wow. Passive-aggressive.
Kyle: Whatever. At the end of the day, you do what you have to do, because it is what it is, as long as everyone is on the same page. Know what I mean?
Husband: That after spending your entire childhood stewing in her shadow you can now spend your adulthood rubbing it in her face that your life turned out better than hers?
Kyle: Look at all these shoes!
2. Adrienne and Paul Are Out to Lunch
Husband: Mal-oof! Your purse grazed the side of my car door! The thought of your personal items touching mine disturbs yet excites me!
Adrienne: My … marriage … is … a little bit … different — Okay, yes, there’s some light domination involved. He likes to be chained to the bedpost and whipped with a padded La Perla bra. I’m going to Vegas for a lingerie photo shoot. It’ll all very tasteful and appealing to a great many people.
Husband: I’ll come with you!
Adrienne: The kids will be my human shields.
Husband: The taste of ashes in my mouth is so bitter that food jumps from my lips to escape it. Why don’t you love me? And, also, am I not technically the housewife in this particular ménage?
Adrienne: Shut up, worm. In your dreams.
3. Lisa Buys Chocolate Louboutins
Lisa: Oh, chocolate lady! Chocolate lady! Show me something delightfully decadent!
Chocolate lady: Yes, mistress! How about these pink Louboutins you ordered? No one has laid eyes on these shoes but you. And nobody shall.
Lisa: Yes, they will do. They are pink. Now make me something to delight the little children.
Chocolate lady: How about a three-foot chocolate bunny that looks like a cross between a bong and a dildo? With a little backpack on it!
Lisa: Thoroughly appropriate! Which reminds me. I met Christian Louboutin last night, whereas you likely never will. Bye!
Chocolate lady: Come back soon!
4. Kim and Her Kids Get Ready to Road-trip
Kyle: Oh my God, Kim hasn’t found a house yet. Have I adequately conveyed what a burden she is on me?
Kim: Easter is family time! I resent having interlopers witness my ritual mortification at the hands of my sister and children. That’s private. Hey, look, kids, a train! I wonder if it will crash, foreshadowing the course my life is on now.
5, Kyle’s House in Palm Desert
Kyle: This old Palm Desert house? It used to belong to my dear, departed mother on whose grave I swore I’d deal with my pain-in-the-ass sister. Now it’s mine, but I have to pretend it’s a “family house,” because, as you’ve probably figured out, my mother loved me best. I’m the strong one and Kim is the fragile, hair-trigger defensive, antisocial, promiscuous one. But still, she also wanted what was best for Kim even though she knew she was incapable of taking care of herself or her many-fathered children. That’s why she bequeathed unto me the awesome responsibility of subtly undermining Kim at every turn. It’s a responsibility I take seriously. Family traditions are so important, you know? Okay, now let’s freak out about dinner!
Kim: I’m going to make Kim’s famous potatoes! They are quite famous! They once did a scene with Erik Estrada! Remember him? He was quite famous, too. The main ingredient is “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.” I need three tubs. But listen, I know I need to try harder. But my soul was strip-mined from infancy through early adulthood.
Kyle: Your food choices are putting you on a socioeconomic rung that I’m not comfortable associating with, okay?
Kim: Oh, so now I can’t say salza? What are you now, Mexican? Do you turn Swiss in the cheese aisle? Little Miss International Foodstuffs too good to eat my cheeseball?
Kyle: Yes.
6. Camille Takes a Meeting
Camille: Oh, house manager, house manager! Can you call my husband onstage in New York? See if he has time in between lines to take a meeting? See? I’m not like the other housewives. I’m better than them! I’m married to one of the best actors in Hollywood, and I’m an individual. I totally produce for my husband’s company. I’m the idea person and the creative one, actually. I’m not sure where Kelsey would be without me, frankly. Cocktail waitressing after retiring from the strip club, probably? German porn? Hard to say.
7. Taylor Goes Shopping
Taylor: You know what’s nice about being married to an unpleasant and vaguely sinister man like Russell? Money. One of my favorite activities as a family is to have my stylist come over with a bunch of expensive clothes and then, just as Russell is leaving the room, call out, “Leave the wallet!” It cracks him up. Or it doesn’t, whatever, who cares. I’m just getting my preemptive revenge before he dumps me for a 25-year-old like Kelsey is about to do to Camille. Hey, so, what do you think of my lips? Trout transplant. And not just any trout, either — sad trout. Costs more.
8. Kyle and Kim Make Dinner
Kyle: What was I thinking, inviting Todd and Lisa over for dinner? They only serve pink food! Pink risotto at lunch — why, an unscalable Everest of sophistication! They will laugh us out of existence, and our risible, non-pink culinary efforts, too! Kim’s famous potatoes indeed! What in the world was I thinking? I have brought shame upon my weekend house.
Lisa: Hello, we have arrived bearing pink Champagne.
Kyle: Oh, Lord, why do you mock me in my darkest hour?
Lisa: Why are these potatoes being boiled? Clearly, they are white.
Kim: I’m — Kim’s famous potatoes!
Lisa: Why are you quivering like that?
Kim: KIM’S FAMOUS POTATOES!
9. Adrienne Goes to Vegas
Adrienne: Wow, I own this whole place!
Friend: Tell me about your photo shoot tomorrow.
Adrienne: I will be reenacting postcoital scenes with a male model while dressed in couture.
Husband: Oh great. Now I have to worry about gold-digging tramps? Being a rich housewife is a total mind fuck.
10. Camille Goes Shopping
Camille: I said I didn’t shop for shoes, but I’m buying furnishings for one of my 27 homes? I don’t skimp. Like for instance, here’s my interior designer.
Interior designer: Hi.
Camille: I flew him in from New York on a platinum-dipped chartered unicorn just for the afternoon.
Interior designer: It’s the only way to fly.
Violent interlude: Lisa procures the $1000 bunny. Kyle and Kim, in a frenzy of decadence, proceed to dismember and devour the bunny. Kim stabs it 27 times.
11. Taylor and Linda Go Out for a Drink
Taylor: Linda Thompson is a songwriter. She used to go out with Elvis Presley, which means she is probably functionally dead, like Dick Cheney, and being kept alive by medical technology at the cost of ten virgin sacrifices a day.
Linda: Please don’t stare directly at my face. It was a teardown and I rebuilt it from scratch. Prolonged staring could cause damage to the foundation, though.
Taylor: She keeps me grounded. In reality. You know, ‘cause she’s so real.
Linda: My kids think everyone in the world has a pool. Hello! As if there are enough good pool boys out there!
Taylor: I know! My kid can’t even fathom what it’s like not to have food.
Linda: Take her to Africa. That’s what it’s there for, right? With the flies and everything? Do you know, I’ve heard they don’t even know what food is. They just eat cake!
Taylor: That sounds really unhealthy.
Linda: I know. It’s all about choices.
12. Paul Busts In on Adrienne Getting Her Picture Taken for a Magazine
Paul: Why, hello! I’ve come to show the world the bathetic depths of my insecurity, I’ll now gratuitously condescend to you, hot male model, by telling you to be a good boy.
Adrienne: Oh dear.
Paul: Keep off my wife.
13. Whitney Celebrates Her Birthday at a Spa
Kim: Whitney wanted a girl day, so we’re here at the spa. See? I’m a nice mother. Which is why it’s probably okay to chain Whitney to the radiator now that she wants to go to Houston.
Kyle: You don’t want her to go to Houston?
Kim: This is the time when we all have to stick together!
Kyle: What are you talking about?
Kim: Trout-lipped ladies! Men with tiny dogs! People who eat fake Cheerios! Batten the hatches! The fortress is being stormed!
Kyle: Seriously, what happened to you on that ledge with Erik Estrada?
Kim: I expect your support! You’re supposed to have my back!
Kyle: I totally do! I promised our dead mother that I’d take care of your kids for you, since obviously you can’t do it on your own! I’m talking to your kid about you right now. We’re talking about how dependent you are. See? I get you. The only reason you even want your kids around is so that you won’t have to be alone and face the void at the core of your soul. Right, birthday girl?
Whitney: You’re suffocating me.