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Our Annual Year 2024

Every 12 months, The Onion’s editorial board convenes to honor this paper’s most crucial and enduring stories from the past calendar year. Below, we not only elevate the singular journalism that continues to make us America’s Finest News Source, but also willfully suppress the names, sacrifices, and deaths of the many journalists who have sweat and bled to produce this work. Their lives are meaningless. All that matters is the reporting that remains.

January

Politics
Biden Addresses Nation While Hanging From Branch On Side Of Cliff
January 1, 2024

Local
Marriage Counselor Sides With Hotter Spouse
January 9, 2024

Local
Wealthy Dad Surprises Child With Tree House He Can Airbnb For Passive Income
January 9, 2024

Politics
Glowing, Pulsating Hair Product Takes Control Of Gavin Newsom’s Thoughts
January 19, 2024

Entertainment
Gen Z Announces Julie Andrews Is Problematic But Refuses To Explain Why
January 24, 2024

News
Sweden Gives Man 6 Months Paternity Leave For Busting Huge Load
January 25, 2024

News
First Neuralink Implant Recipient Successfully Performs Depraved Sexual Acts On Elon Musk
January 31, 2024

February

News
MrBeast Announces He Has Resurrected Everyone Buried At Arlington National Cemetery
February 2, 2024

Local
Introverted Cowboy Struggling To Round Up Posse
February 6, 2024

Entertainment
Country Stations Refuse To Play Beyoncé’s Music After Artist Condemns Iraq War
February 15, 2024

Politics
‘Stab Him! Stab Him, You Cowards!’ Says Terrified Kamala Harris To Aides After Plunging First Knife Into Biden’s Back
February 16, 2024

Entertainment
Emerging Filmmaker Malia Obama Changes Surname To Scorsese
February 22, 2024

News
New Law Requires SNAP Recipients To Balance Food On Nose Until Receiving Command To Eat It
February 22, 2024

Politics
Trump Daydreams About What He Would Do If He Were Rich
February 19, 2024

Local
12-Year-Old Spends Entire Hiking Trip Fantasizing About Which Video Game He’ll Play When He Gets Home
February 27, 2024

March

April

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May

News
Tesla Lays Off Entire Team Behind Brakes
May 1, 2024

Entertainment
Drake Drops New Track Inviting Kendrick Lamar Out To Coffee So They Can Clear Things Up
May 6, 2024

News
Perdue Announces Initiative To Even The Playing Field By Giving Chickens Guns
May 14, 2024

Politics
New Florida Law Requires All Women To Produce 3 Healthy White Sons By 22nd Birthday
May 16, 2024

Local
Everyone In ER Bit Off Finger While Holding Sandwich
May 24, 2024

News
Mechanical-Armed Grimes Flees Elon Musk Compound With Five Wives In Stolen Cybertruck
May 24, 2024

News
Nation Shrugs After Hearing Trump Guilty Verdict, Unpauses ‘MILF Manor’
May 30, 2024

News
Jimmy Carter Becomes Second President Convicted Of Felony For Sticking Up Waffle House
May 31, 2024

June

July

News
Clarence Thomas Torn Over Case Where Both Sides Offer Compelling Scuba Trips
July 1, 2024

Politics
Democrats Panic After Kamala Harris Ages 40 Years In Single Night
July 22, 2024

News
Congress Bans Roofs
July 15, 2024

Local
News Happening Faster Than Man Can Generate Uninformed Opinions
July 22, 2024

News
God Forced To Shave Head After Contracting Plague Of Lice
July 11, 2024

News
Report: Requests To Prove One Is Not A Robot Up 400,000% Over Past 500 Years
July 2, 2024

Politics
New Trump Ad Shows Montage Of People He’ll Kill If Elected
July 3, 2024

Local
Plastic Surgeon Tears New Wife Down To The Studs
July 19, 2024

August

News
Environmentalists Warn U.S. Running Out Of Small Wooded Areas Where Buddies Can Smoke Up
August 5, 2024

Entertainment
R. Kelly Petitions Supreme Court To Watch Him Pee
August 5, 2024

Politics
Federated Union Of Bear Cub Carcass Dumpers Endorses RFK Jr.
August 5, 2024

Entertainment
Glen Powell Opens Up About Dangerous Stunt Work Filming With Sydney Sweeney’s Breasts
August 16, 2024

Politics
JD Vance Accuses Tim Walz Of Stolen Valor For Wearing ‘Grill Master’ Apron
August 13, 2024

Politics
Aides Beg JD Vance To Stop Carrying Model Of Woman’s Pelvis While Meeting Voters
August 26, 2024

Local
Prettiest Girl At Bachelorette Party Demands Everyone Look Pretty
August 26, 2024

News
Stranded NASA Astronauts Take Emergency Slide Back To Earth
August 23, 2024

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September

News
Everyone In Restaurant Jealous Of Toddler Who Gets To Wear Pajamas And Watch iPad
September 2, 2024

Entertainment
Horrified Taylor Swift Realizes Football Happens Every Year
September 6, 2024

Politics
Trump Avoids Answering Hard Questions By Pretending He Shot In Ear Again
September 10, 2024

Local
Man Replies ‘STOP’ To Political Fundraiser Text Like Powerful Wizard Casting Spell To Ward Off Mythical Beast
September 12, 2024

News
Diddy: ‘I Will Beat These Charges Senseless’
September 18, 2024

Local
Scarecrow Has Double Ds
September 20, 2024

Politics
Panicked Eric Adams Takes City Hall Employees Hostage
September 26, 2024

News, Politics
Lt. Gov. Mark Robinson: ‘We All Have Crazy Ideas About Slavery When We’re Horny’
September 20, 2024

October

Editorials
‘The Onion’ Officially Endorses Joe Biden For President
October 2, 2024

News
Texas Sex Ed Class Teaches Boys How To Cheat On Pregnant Wife
October 2, 2024

Entertainment
Sabrina Carpenter Completes Mandatory Service In South Korean Military
October 2, 2024

News
North Carolina Family Informed Their Insurance Policy Voided Once House Gets Wet
October 3, 2024

Local
Grandma Who Survived Great Depression Casually Drops That She Once Killed Man For Mayonnaise
October 8, 2024

News
Tourist Impressed By Size Of Chicago Residents
October 14, 2024

Entertainment
Logan Paul Claims Prime Perfectly Healthy For Average 9-Foot-Tall, 400-Pound Child
October 17, 2024

Politics
Both Campaigns Release Ads Showcasing Trump’s Most Racist Comments
October 22, 2024

November

News
Piss-Soaked Tucker Carlson Claims Demon Urinated On Him While He Slept
November 1, 2024

Politics
Trump Calls Harris To Congratulate Himself On Winning
November 6, 2024

Politics
America Defeats America
November 6, 2024

Local
Man Forgetting Difference Between Meteoroid, Meteorite Struggles To Describe What Just Killed His Dog
November 14, 2024

Local
Every Movement In Man’s Burrito-Eating Technique Informed By Past Burrito Tragedies
November 21, 2024

Politics
‘You’re The Bonnie To My Clyde,’ Says Biden Running Off With Pardoned Turkey
November 25, 2024

News
God Looks 400 Millennia Younger After Infusing Self With Son’s Blood
November 25, 2024

News
FDA Bans Captain Morgan Rum After Having Way Too Much Of That Shit In College
November 27, 2024

Sports

Football, Sports
Bob Kraft: ‘We’re Already Searching Through Insane Asylums For A Possible Belichick Replacement’
January 11, 2024

Basketball, Sports
Victor Wembanyama’s Head Lodged Between Rim And Backboard Again
February 23, 2024

Sports
Aaron Rodgers Rants To Pat McAfee About Windows 11 Tips And Tricks After Going Down Wrong YouTube Rabbit Hole
May 28, 2024

Sports
Wimbledon Trying To Excite Us, But The Ball Still Just Goes Back And Forth All Day
July 9, 2024

Basketball, Sports
Caitlin Clark Supplements Rookie Salary By Taking Adjunct Professor Of Basketball Job
July 10, 2024

Baseball, Sports
MLB Reminds White Sox That Games Televised
July 19, 2024

Baseball
Yankees Move To Connecticut To Raise Kids
October 15, 2024

Sports
Hades’ Inferno Stadium Once Again Ranked Toughest Arena To Play In
October 17, 2024

Basketball
LeBron James Denies Son Receiving Preferential Treatment When Being Lifted Up To Dunk
November 13, 2024

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