This is one of those times where every Red Sox blog you read talks about how they're waiting to buy tickets, and then they think they're the first person to use the phrase "virtual waiting room hell."

I'm going for a Sox Pack, which has four games including a Giants game. The Sox Pax are my nemesis. I've never been able to get one. (I've already got a ten-game plan, but, still.) So, around 10:05, I thought I was through. When I selected my location and number of tickets, it sent me right back into the waiting room! I've never had that one. What a load of crap. Now it's 10:20. Doesn't look too good.

The names of these Pax are hilarious. One Rockies game out of four does not a "Rocky Mountain High Pack" make. Or whatever. Ooh, one Tigers game and three random others! Let's call that "The Roaring Jungle Creature Pack"!

The guaranteed way to get the Sox Pax is go to Fenway today, for Xmas at Fenway. But it was by lottery this year, and I didn't make the cut. When's Channukah at Fenway, anyway? (I use the spelling with "Chan" in it.

Still not in, at 10:24. Maybe I'll save a little cash today...

Update: I got through on the phone, but you can only get sigle tix for April and May that way. I tried for the weekend ones, but only single seats available.

Mid-update update: I just got in! Explorer browser WINS! 10:55. Got the pack I wanted, which includes a Yankee game and the Sunday Giants game. So I'll see bonds hit the record-breaking homer, it looks like. I won't catch it, though, unless he hit's it to nearly the top of the bleachers, which is where the seats are.

Back to the original update: If you do want single game tickets, I recommend the phone way. It often comes through for me, 617 482 4SOX. And you can still get some midweek, good seats that are together. Anyway, whatever, I got my Giants game--it's their first trip to Fenway in the modern era. I think.

That's what the Red Sox will be doing against the Yanks next season, as "He Picked up the Cat" Andy Pettitte has joined other grandpappies Randy Johnson and Mike Mussina in the Dunbar rotation.
Please let Clemens sign with 'em, too. He's no fun unless you really have a reason to root against him.

Check out the last line of the AP article about Pettitte:


The two-time All-Star's return to the Yankees reunites him with Derek Jeter, Mariano Rivera, Jorge Posada and possibly Bernie WilliamsYankees..

Huh?

I go down First Avenue, a bitter cold wind blows right into my face. I go back up First Avenue, a bitter cold wind blows right into my face. What gives, Single Mother Nature?

It's damn cold in En Why.

I really thought today would be the day we sign Die Skay, what with Xmas at Fenway being tomorrow. But it's getting late. Maybe it'll happen at 3.

You know this kid Milhouse? And by "Milhouse," I mean Gerard Cosloy. He does this sportsnewsy/many posts a day-ey type blog/site called Can't Stop the Bleeding. You know how I found it? Because a link showed up on my Statcounter--I guess he'd linked to me when I told a young Deadspin to go fuck itself after it took something I wrote out of context. Cosloy loved this, because Will, aka Deadspin, is his mortal internenemy. The stuff he writes about him just cracks me up. It's my favorite one-way hatred since that dude from East Coast Agony's lifelong quest to destroy Ed Cossette, the Bambino's Curse guy. (I can only hope someone makes a similar comparison one day to me and my one-way nemesis, Michael Kay. Or better yet, me and that singer guy from Sugar Ray. I swear if I ever see that douchebag... or that child actor from The Sixth Sense. Where was I?)

Oh, right, the Coz. That link had been from at least a year ago--I know that because fairly recently Deadspin had a first birthday party at a bar like two blocks from my house, and I didn't get an invite (ouch!). I don't drink or like guys that go to sports bars, anyway, but still. Either way, I had been going to Deadspin pretty regularly for a while, and I've mentioned here my problems with it, which wasn't anything major, but what it came down to was that I was getting sick of it anyway, mainly due to the commentors. If I want to hear a bunch of sexists, and women who put up with sexism because they have low self-esteem, so they combat it by being "one of the guys," I'd go to...well, I guess I'd go to Deadspin.

So, terribly, I didn't know about Can't Stop the Bleeding, but when I went there, I knew I'd found a daily-sports-news -but-also other-stuff- site that matched my personality more closely. (Like when L-Girl and Joy of Sox moved to Canada. We Move to Can...'t Stop the Bleeding.) And let me give you some reasons why:

1. The music stuff. Actually, I don't even need to take this list any further. The guy mentioned Adrenalin OD and I almost shit my pants. My friend Bru-Win is/was a member of AOD, legendary funny-core outfit from Jersey that influenced a generation of punks. Did I just call AOD funny-core? I'm retarded. Anyway, besides that, Cosloy knows his shit when it comes to music and sportsy stuff.

But in an even more "I'm a moron" move by yours truly, I had no freakin' idea who Gerard Cosloy really was. The other day I'm sitting there, Google-searching for something, who knows what, that involved the word hardcore. Not the sex, the music. And I came across that movie American Hardcore. I thought, Oh yeah, I never did see that...I gotta see that. Then I clicked one of the people who was interviewed for the film, Jack Rabid. Turns out his only other credit was from a movie called The Shield Around the K. And I was like, What? They made a documentary about K Records? How did I miss that? I clicked on it, and there, among the "cast," was one Gerard Cosloy.

Okay, this dude is bigger than I thought. Did some more searching, and I guess he's a big deal at Matador Records (what's above President?), and ran Homestead Records, whose acts included, like, every band in the world that isn't shitty. And if the random person who wrote his wikipedia entry is right, he...discovered Pavement. I would've said good night and walked off right there. But Cosloy has gone on to do this great blog, along with his current musical thingity things. So please give it a read if you're the one person left who hasn't seen it yet.

The weird thing is, I feel like most people reading this right now will say "Wow, you are a moron," OR, "I have know idea what you're talking about. You said he does a sports site, right?"

I saw this little music player over at Red Sox Chick, so I got one for myself. It's over on the right there. I had to make the box thinner as to not mess up my blog, so the volume is almost cut off, but it's there, on the bottom right. Basically, for free, you can choose 45 songs from their library (which has a lot), and they'll randomly play on your website. The bad news is when you click on comments, it shuts off (unless you hit ctrl when clicking. If you have Firefox like I do. And Jason does. Thanks, Jason.). So it's good if you're just spending a good chunk of time here, and you can listen to music while you read... Crap, that's not a very good idea. I don't know, I guess it's for when you want to listen to music I chose for you, while screwing around on the internet, when you could just as easily choose your own. Why did I do this again? Well, for those of you who want to hear stuff I like, hit play. But don't close the page. Or click on anything else within the page.

Last night I found myself watching a show called "The Drug Years." I've never taken a drug in my life, but I like learning about stuff like that sometimes. Just like I'll watch a show about Hitler even though I'm not down with Hitler.

Here's what I got out of the show--and, please note, it only confirmed the feelings I already had:

Terrible job by ecstasy people.

All the other drug eras had something going for them. The sixties hippies with their counterculture-y stuff, the seventies disco nuts with their crazy outfits, the eighties coke fiends with their over-the-top extravagance, the nineties rockers with their chic heroin... But those boring, lame-ass rave-people with their shitty dancing, man...just horrible. Do they actually get credit for being the drug people of the last few years?

They had some dude on there talking about how all these ravers came together as a whole and were one with the music and all this crap. You don't need X or E or whatever to experience that! Seriously, terrible job.

And while I was all caught up in that show, I realized I missed Fancy Nancy...

Keith Foulke won't be back!

That's right, for the one millionth time this offseason, it has been decided that Keith Foulke will not be pitching for the Red Sox in 2007. I think we get it at this point.

Manny to most definitely almost kinda surely stay on team.

I like looking at the lineup in that article.

[Update: Lilly signs with Cubs as Yanks miss out and don't "do what it takes," happy with Pavano in their rotation.]

The Ted Lilly situation, summed up by me:

Yanks want Lilly, 'cause he beats the Sox a lot. Cubs want him, 'cause they're just snatching up everybody. Lilly says FU to Blue Jays, and Cubs have made offer. Yanks meeting with Lilly now, if they wow him, he goes there, if not, he goes to Chicago.

Ways to make fun of Mr. Dunbar if they DO get Teddy Bawl-game (get it? Because he always looks like he's about to cry? Huh? Huh?): Sure, he had an incredible stretch against us--starting, not coincidentally, right after our players openly mocked his flowery surname. That stretch ended early last season. If you go by last season, he's a mediocre pitcher who doesn't do any better against the Red Sox than he does against anybody else. Plus, Dunbar already had this guy, but they traded him to get Jeff Weaver. So, basically, they've missed out on the period when Lilly was actually good, and really good against us. Plus, I like when the Yanks think specifically about beating us when it comes to improving their team, what with their fans' constant claims of us being obsessed with them, which some of us are, but still, not possibly as much as they are with us.

Ways to make fun of Mr. Dunbar if they DON'T get Lilly In Hell, Man: TJ, Yanks, you missed out on another pitcher, and a lefty starter at that. Good luck with old Andy Pettitte, another guy you should have kept. Plus, TJ, George, by not coming through and not spending the money when it counts, another big thing they love to make fun of us for.

So I've got my bases covered. It really is a no-lose situation for us, I think.

Note: Above, when I said the thing about the crying, that's not supposed to be a frowny face. It's just the end of the parentheses followed by a colon.

Note: Above, when I said "colon," it had nothing to do with the post below this one where the fart brought down the plane.

Note: Since I'm realizing now how dirty the first part of that title sounds, I'll explain its true meaning: Did you see Malice? That was the movie where Alec Baldwin says, "I am God." Well, there's a character called "Dr. Lilienfield" in that movie. And that was the first thing I thought of when I thought of Lilly. Also, that dude played by Bill Pullman says, "I want the Red Sox to win the World Series." You got your wish, Bill Pullman's character. You got your wish.

I can't believe AJM is missing all this.

"Going overboard when it comes to terrorism fears" has jumped the proverbial shark.

Sox also get Julio Lugo!

That makes me feel better about the Drew thing, because I like Lugo. He can never be Gonzalez defensively, but I think he'll definitely strive in our lineup. (Even though a commentor recently said on Joy of Sox that he "can't hit his way out of a paper bag." I'd say that's way off.)

Before somebody tells me that Drew has these great stats, allow me to further piss you off:

If we wanted robots at every position who had the best stats, we'd go root for the Yankees. However, Theo, if you're gonna do that, at least get the very best, and not a guy who's only had more than 73 RBI in a season twice. Maybe Ortiz and Manny in the lineup before him will help. I'm excited for what he can be at his best, but I'm not excited for what he can be at his middle of the roadiest. Couple that with the whole "doggin' it" mentality, and we may have a problem.

I promise you, though, I'll watch him play daily before I truly accuse him of not trying.

Sox (supposedly) get slightly different Trot Nixon, only the kind that doesn't try as hard. Great. Five years of this guy? Well, I guess that gives me time to get used to him, and maybe, one day, like him. We've got great fantasy stats in right field now. Let's just hope the guy does well in the real world.

[Hey, my last three posts, about J.D. Drew, Fancy Nancy, and my mom, who writes mysteries, when put together are "Nancy/Drew/Mysteries." And my mom's book coming out once again coincides with a major Red Sox move, as we expected.]

When I first saw Fancy Nancy's Funny Hour on Manhattan public access, I thought, Come on, we've all seen Gilda Radner and Lily Tomlin do the little girl routine. I kind of thought Nancy was just some bored girl saying whatever pops in to her head, and talking like a little kid, and that had to get old quick.

About two minutes later, though, I was a fan. I grabbed some of it off the TV last night. Here it is (divided into 5 parts):



You start to realize she's talented as you watch more and more. I hardly ever see the show since I can never remember when it's on. But now I know it's Monday nights, maybe channel 67, maybe 12:30. [Update: channel 67, Monday night at midnight, Wed night at 10:30.] She doesn't seem to have a website, but she's got a myspace. I tried getting more show info there, but it's all just colors and shapes to me. And, of course, a bunch of incongruous notes from random, half-naked people which feature wacky pictures of people or animals doing cra-a-zy things. (With all apologies to all the non-stupid people who have a myspace. Or, who have yourspace, or whatever. Oh wait, that makes it sound like Nancy herself is non-non-stupid. Just forget it.) She's also got more clips from her show on YouTube here.



You can also write to her at the address she mentions on the show, and she'll send you a holiday card in the mail.



Anyway, I think it's pretty funny. It also brings up the topic of sex. Not the stuff, the thing. You know what I mean. Like, sitting in front of a camera goofing around seems to be a predominantly male activity.



Why is that? Are females not encouraged to be goofy, especially when they "become a lady," as is fittingly discussed in this episode? What are your thoughts?



Also, this reminds me--speaking of being goofy in front of a camera, I gotta get some stuff up here from the public access show Brian and I used to do in Danbury, called Ready!.

In what movie does orange juice come out of a person's finger?

Click here for the (supposed) good news on Jon Lester.

Okay, no excuses now. My mom's memoir, Girls of Tender Age, is out in paperback in a few weeks, but it's available for pre-order here, for the low low price of, like, 11 bucks-ish.

When the hardcover came out a year ago, Johnny Damon signed with the Yanks immediately following my review, knocking my mom off the top of my blog. So prepare for some huge baseball thing to happen soon. For Jere's review of Girls of Tender Age: A Memoir, click here.

One of our clients here at work screens their calls. You know how I know? Because they admit it, right on their old-school answering message! You call, and a voice says, "We may be able to take your call right now, or, this machine allows for a message of up to one minute." Why don't they just come out and say it: We are able to take your call, we just might not want to..."

A note on the term "client": I always thought it was weird how, at Brian's job, they call the people they help "clients," (or worse, "consumers,"--yowch) even though they're not business-types in suits at a desk in an office, they're mentally challenged people who need help in their homes. I just never think of a "client" as someone whose vomit you clean up (or insert other funny bodily function of your choice). Now, at my job, it's a somewhat similar situation, only we help a different "population." (another weird word--can you use this for anything? The "people whose favorite number is 19" population? The "three-legged dog" population?) but we call our people "clients," too. Not a big fan.

A note on the Tostitos logo. Chan, whose Florida Gators will play for the national title, against my friend Jim's Ohio State Buckeyes, in a battle of two of my Yankee-fan friends who went to different schools, after edging out yet another Yankee fan-friend Mike's Michigan team to get there, has pointed out that the two middle "T"s in the Tostitos logo are actually people fighting over (sharing? co-dipping?) a chip, with a bowl of salsa in between them, one which dots the "I" in the logo. Thanks for that info, Chan.

Thank you to everyone who voted for Joy of Sox for best sports blog in Canada. He won! And it was an amazing finish to the voting. Joy sums it up here. We pulled out all the stops: Jhonny's dgo, Willis and Kimberly, Paris Hilton, bloggers and message boards, and all of you helped him take the title. Thanks. (Also, all you sane people don't have to hear about this anymore!)

About Curt Schilling: Terrible job, Curt, for talking about Manny like that. Why do I get the feeling no one will call Curt a "cancer on the clubhouse" for talking about teammates when they're not there to defend themselves? And you'd think Schilling, who was accused of faking the bloody sock thing (by Mr. So-Called Class-up-the-ass Joe Torre, mind you) wouldn't go around accusing other players of faking injuries or quitting on the team. It's almost like Curt is just another internet fan, reading the articles and spouting opinions based on them. (I guess that's exactly what he is--we knew that.) I would hope a veteran player like that would have the sense to talk to the teammate before going public (despite the speculation) and think about how not doing that could really hurt the team. You want to win the World Series in your final year, Curt? I hope you don't have to face Manny in Game 7, because the question won't be if he homers off you, but how many minutes he'll stand there at home plate after he hits the ball out, rubbing it in your face (deservedly). If we trade him, I hope it's to a team we never see in the postseason.

In Gedman news, I saw a Gedman card on ebay as part of the Worcester Tornadoes 2006 set. (Rich manages the Twisters.) It was ten bucks, so I checked the Tornadoes' site, and they were only five there. Gold, I thought, 'til I saw the shipping would be $5.50! It was still cheaper that way, because the ebay person was charging three dollars for shipping. So I went the offical way. However, I figured if I was gonna pay %5.50 for shipping, I might as well add something to my order. Today, folks, I am the proud owner of a Worcester Tornadoes Sharpie! A full Gedman baseball card update will come one of these days.