Groanin' Jock

Three games played; five goals conceded; one goal scored; no League Cup points; two of the starting back four crippled.

On paper (or computer screen, whichever you prefer), Montrose's season has so far been a disappointment.

But as the matches are played on grass or the Links Park Brillo pad, those stats don't tell the full story.

Against Ross County they were unlucky to drop all three points to the Premier League team. By all accounts they were similarly unfortunate to lose to Kirkcaldy's finest when they played Raith midweek.

Today was a different story, the best team winning relatively comfortably without ever truly shifting into the higher gears.

Greig Spence opened the scoring in the 33rd minute, meeting a corner with a firm shot that bounced in off a Montrose defender.

They doubled their advantage in the 50th minute when the unmarked Izaac Lyle stooped to head home from Steven Hetherington's cross.

Having already lost their opening two matches, Montrose were unlikely to qualify from their inaugural League Cup group, giving Paul Hegarty the opportunity to experiment with a different line-up or formation.

He didn't, selecting almost the same side as in the previous two matches, albeit with Graham Webster replacing the suspended Chris Templeman, the lanky striker having been shown a straight red at Stark's Park for dissent.

Allan Fleming was given a chance in goals instead of Jordan Millar. He was comfortable enough and left largely helpless with both goals, where slack defending was the root cause.

As usually occurs, Hegarty ignored his bench for most of the match, only rousing them in the 75th minute, when he took the frequent shouts of "Get the fucking subs on, Hegarty" literally and made a completely out of character triple substitution.

The universe didn't take kindly to this bout of shenanigans and promptly invoked Murphy's Law. Two minutes after they used all three of their subs, Montrose's Bollowocky was clattered by Jon Robertson. He was carried off the park with an ankle injury, Robertson received a yellow card instead of the prison sentence his challenge merited and Montrose were down to ten men.

With two minutes to go, Chris Hegarty appeared to catch his studs in the turf plastic and twisted his knee. He was screaming before he hit the ground and waving for the bench before the physios could reach him. He left the pitch on a stretcher, Montrose playing the final few seconds with nine men.

Neither side was exceptional today. Alloa were deserving winners, but will need to be better against superior sides.

Montrose struggled to create chances and still lack punch up front. Campbell works hard for little reward, while Fraser needs a faster strike partner to complement his industrious performances.

How Montrose cope without the Bollowocky and Hegarty Jr in the coming weeks will be interesting, as both have become integral parts of the defence in the opening weeks.

Next up, Cove Rangers at Forfar in the final League Cup match - time for a little experimentation.

Man of the match: Montrose didn't create much of note and didn't defend especially well. There were no real stand-out performances for the home side, but Paul Watson continued as a commanding presence in the middle of the park.

Over the past few weeks/months/years, Neil Lennon:

has developed quite a reputation for being an ungracious loser, convinced that there's a conspiracy whereby referees are out to deny his club "their" treble.

It's all bollocks of course, and part of the greater Celtic persecution complex whereby the SFA, UEFA, FIFA, the UK government, pro-Israeli governments, Andy Goram, HMRC, the Feudal System, potato blight, diving Portuguese midfielders, Kyle Lafferty, Alex Salmond, the English, the Masons and Ally McCoist are all geared towards denying Celtic their rightful place at the summit of Scottish, European and world football.

If the snaggle-toothed ginger wants to see what it's like living with week upon week of woeful refereeing, he should start following Montrose.

Today, Montrose were 10 minutes from a share of the points with Division Three champions elect Alloa. The visitors had Ryan Harding sent off after 18 minutes, the centre back misjudging the flight of a long ball from Dougie Cameron, getting caught the wrong side of Martin Boyle and deciding that his only option was to take the striker out.

But Mat Northcroft apparently decided to redress the balance in the 80th minute, awarding a penalty to Alloa and dismissing Alan Campbell for a professional foul. Which would have been perfectly fine had Campbell not clearly taken the ball before making contact with Stevie May.

Campbell walked, Ryan McCord stepped up to take the penalty, and Alloa never looked back.

Alloa doubled their lead two minutes later, McCord reacting fastest when Darren Young's 35-yard shot smacked off both posts before dropping in front of goal.

It's easy enough to say that the sending off cost Montrose the match, but the truth is that they played against 10 men for 72 minutes. Instead of keeping possession and passing the ball, they resorted to their tried and tested aimless and useless tactic of launching the ball as far up the park as possible at every opportunity.

It seems that Paul Lunan - a man with four contrasting haircuts competing for attention on his oblong head - and Dougie Cameron just want to get the ball as far away from themselves as possible - every time they're in possession, an aimless punt follows.

In a moment of sun-inspired pre-match jollity I composed a song in Dougie's honour. To the tune of "He's Got The Whole World In His Hands":


I look forward to a rousing rendition at the next Montrose match.

Aside from the late Alloa flurry, Northcroft's unexplainable mental breakdown and Montrose's desire to play American Football rather than the proper type, there was little to note in today's match.

Except for one thing. It seems that Heath Ledger:

didn't die while filming The Dark Knight - he's alive and well and playing up front for Alloa under the alias Stevie May:

It's all a conspiracy...

Man of the Match: All in all, today was largely forgettable for Montrose. I barely remember them being in the Alloa box, despite having an extra man for three quarters of the match. If push comes to shove, I'd probably go for Paul Lunan, who looked solid at the back when not trying to launch the ball non-stop to Brechin.

I'm back in the Arctic tundra known locally as Angus, and so I found myself back in the familiar surroundings of Links Park rather than The Emirates or White Hart Lane this afternoon.

It was absolutely freezing even before kick-off today - I'm sure I saw a polar bear queuing to get in the concessionary turnstile at 2.30pm, then think better of it and head home. The pitch was already in shadow by kick-off, and both of Montrose's strikers were wearing gloves - although Scott Johnston was wearing a short-sleeved shirt, which seems to have defeated the purpose of donning handwear somewhat.

Alloa are a good side by Division Three standards, and are rightly considered amongst the favourites for promotion. Paul Hartley (a more dapperly-dressed manager than we're used to in Division Three) (and one with a few more Scotland caps than Ray Farningham) has the side playing well, with a core of good ball playing midfielders (and Darren Young) allied with the experience of Robbie "All this was fields when I were a lad" Winters and the emmm "imposing physical presence" of Armand One (that's Oh-Nay, not Wun).

Montrose made a few changes to the team from recent matches, Saaaaaaandy Wood making his first competitive start of the season in the sticks, behind centre backs Paul "Lurch" Lunan and Jonathan "Baggio Beckenbauer" Smart and full backs Sean "But I'm a centre back" Crighton and Dougie "Kneeheid" Cameron.

Stephen "Macca Macca Reyna" McNally was moved to central midfield alongside Terry "The Destroyer" Masson and Jamie "Of course I can shoot, it's only 75 yards" Winter. Montrose's attacking options were Martin "Have Barcelona called yet?" Boyle, Scott "If Martin's going so am I" Johnston and Lloyd "Who?" Young.

(I spent the first 10 minutes thinking Lloyd Young fronted The Commotions. But that was Lloyd Cole. Lloyd Young doesn't even front Montrose).

Montrose took the game to their high-flying opponents, and deservedly took the lead after 11 minutes when Boyle missed Masson's corner at the front post, only for the ball to fall in front of Johnston, who knocked the ball across the line with a diving header.

It was an end-to-end encounter, and both sides could have had a few goals throughout the course of the match. McNally, Boyle and Johnston were the main threats for Montrose, while Winters and Kevin Cawley created most of Alloa's chances.

Montrose were looking good for a surprise win until 10 minutes from time, Ben Gordon nodding home from a McCord corner. But Montrose could still have won it, Boyle using his pace to stretch the visiting defence a few times as the match came to a close. There was even a late penalty shout, one of Alloa's defenders appearing to handle a Cameron corner at the back post.

All in all, a draw was a fair result. Montrose can take credit from a strong showing against one of the division's better sides, while Alloa can take credit for continuing to push for an equaliser until late in the day.

Congratulations also to the Montrose groundstaff for managing to get the knackered floodlights working again at half time - abandoning the match when winning 1-0 against Alloa would have been unthinkable.

Man of the Match: Another good team performance in which no-one was disgraced. The midfield was solid and generally passed the ball well, and was perhaps more disciplined than in recent matches. That was out of necessity, as pouring forwards en mass would have been suicidal against the slick Alloa passing. Masson and Winter in particular looked reliable in the middle.

Defensively Montrose were strong, with no major errors to report. Up front, Boyle was his usual tireless self, and on another day might have had a hat-trick. But my man of the match was Scott Johnston, tricky on the ball, creative in attack, diligent in tracking back and in the right place at the right time to score Montrose's goal.