Should I be home for Christmas?
December 15, 2018 8:44 AM Subscribe
I'm not sure if I want to go home for Christmas because I'm healing from a few years of disordered eating that my family is not aware of, and I kind of want to protect my healing space.
My family is aware that I haven't gotten a period for a few years. It has come back recently. I haven't told them that I've had any eating issues (it wasn't apparent based on how I looked), I haven't told them that I've been recovering, and I haven't told them that I got my period back. I am afraid that if they see me in my changed body, I'll feel compelled to justify my weight gain by telling them that I got my period.
I am thrilled!! with my progress, but it feels a little premature to tell them all of this. My period has been regular, but it hasn't been back long enough for me to feel 100% confident that it will arrive on time every month yet.
Also, my absence of menses, while not volitional at all, was a concrete indicator to my parents that things were not all well with me. With that, they backed off on pressuring me to check off other life milestones (getting married, having children, buying a house). I am afraid that if they find out that my period has returned, they will think, "great, now you're fixed!" I'm just not ready to face that onslaught of demands.... maybe in a year or so, but just not now. If I had it my way, I would probably want to recover fully (getting back to my pre-disordered-eating weight, feeling comfortable in my body again, feeling confident that I'll reliably have a menstrual cycle) on a private island, and only see my family once I feel like I'm pretty much done with that process. I mean, that wouldn't be so different from how I've always done things in my life - due to a number of factors such as my parents not being familiar with the education system in this country, my parents never really saw my process of how had I had to work to get to where I am academically/career-wise-- they only saw the end results.
I was considering the possibility that I was catastrophizing or not giving my family enough credit, but my parents were literally asking me just last week when I was going to buy a house (with what money? I just graduated from my program a year ago and have no idea where I'd want to settle down anyway), and the moment I graduated they said things like, "great, now that you don't have stress anymore, you can do x y z to help the rest of the family out." So I don't think I'm necessarily distorting things in my mind...?
Other factors: there are also a few terminally ill family members this year, and it is a generally glum Christmas for my family to begin with-- my family almost decided to not have a Christmas party this year. My sibling's SO is visiting this year and I don't really like that dynamic, either.
BUT it makes me sad that I won't see my family just because of this. So much of disordered eating recovery is trying to reclaim various aspects of and relationships in my life, and staying home alone at Christmas seems like just the saddest thing ever and the exact opposite of that. I won't have any opportunity to see my family all together until Christmas next year. By then the terminally ill family members will likely have passed away. I am not super close to those family members, but it is something that crossed my mind. I also don't have other family members or friends I could spend the holidays with.
Should I go home for Christmas?
Please don't write outraged things about my parents because I don't think they're necessarily wrong for having concerns that any loving parent would have for their child.
My family is aware that I haven't gotten a period for a few years. It has come back recently. I haven't told them that I've had any eating issues (it wasn't apparent based on how I looked), I haven't told them that I've been recovering, and I haven't told them that I got my period back. I am afraid that if they see me in my changed body, I'll feel compelled to justify my weight gain by telling them that I got my period.
I am thrilled!! with my progress, but it feels a little premature to tell them all of this. My period has been regular, but it hasn't been back long enough for me to feel 100% confident that it will arrive on time every month yet.
Also, my absence of menses, while not volitional at all, was a concrete indicator to my parents that things were not all well with me. With that, they backed off on pressuring me to check off other life milestones (getting married, having children, buying a house). I am afraid that if they find out that my period has returned, they will think, "great, now you're fixed!" I'm just not ready to face that onslaught of demands.... maybe in a year or so, but just not now. If I had it my way, I would probably want to recover fully (getting back to my pre-disordered-eating weight, feeling comfortable in my body again, feeling confident that I'll reliably have a menstrual cycle) on a private island, and only see my family once I feel like I'm pretty much done with that process. I mean, that wouldn't be so different from how I've always done things in my life - due to a number of factors such as my parents not being familiar with the education system in this country, my parents never really saw my process of how had I had to work to get to where I am academically/career-wise-- they only saw the end results.
I was considering the possibility that I was catastrophizing or not giving my family enough credit, but my parents were literally asking me just last week when I was going to buy a house (with what money? I just graduated from my program a year ago and have no idea where I'd want to settle down anyway), and the moment I graduated they said things like, "great, now that you don't have stress anymore, you can do x y z to help the rest of the family out." So I don't think I'm necessarily distorting things in my mind...?
Other factors: there are also a few terminally ill family members this year, and it is a generally glum Christmas for my family to begin with-- my family almost decided to not have a Christmas party this year. My sibling's SO is visiting this year and I don't really like that dynamic, either.
BUT it makes me sad that I won't see my family just because of this. So much of disordered eating recovery is trying to reclaim various aspects of and relationships in my life, and staying home alone at Christmas seems like just the saddest thing ever and the exact opposite of that. I won't have any opportunity to see my family all together until Christmas next year. By then the terminally ill family members will likely have passed away. I am not super close to those family members, but it is something that crossed my mind. I also don't have other family members or friends I could spend the holidays with.
Should I go home for Christmas?
Please don't write outraged things about my parents because I don't think they're necessarily wrong for having concerns that any loving parent would have for their child.
If you aren’t looking forward to the visit and don’t think it would be good for your recovery, don’t go.
This certainly doesn’t prevent you from Skyping, calling, inviting people to your house, seeing them at a different time of year, or otherwise hanging out when you’re in a better place (mentally or geographically). Your whole family is comprised of adults who can choose to come see you, or keep in touch with you, in a way that suits them too. It’s not all on you to do the initiating and arranging.
I’d say this is especially relevant when we’re talking about parents who don’t really respect, or have a clear understanding of, your financial condition or your health status, and who expect you to leap into a major undertaking or put further burdens on yourself the minute you have any sort of stability. There’s a good reason you didn’t mention your health struggles to your parents, right? Maybe you felt that more would be demanded of you than you’re capable of achieving. The return of your period might be an indicator that your health is headed in a positive direction, but it sure doesn’t mean you’re “done” healing, and there’s no reason for you to put yourself through having to justify your own struggles to other people who are prone to telling you what your life should be like, instead of listening to you tell THEM what your life IS like.
Stay home, recover, send nice presents or something, arrange a Skype visit, send handwritten cards to your ill relatives so they have something personal from you, and keep on keepin’ on.
posted by Autumnheart at 9:03 AM on December 15, 2018 [7 favorites]
This certainly doesn’t prevent you from Skyping, calling, inviting people to your house, seeing them at a different time of year, or otherwise hanging out when you’re in a better place (mentally or geographically). Your whole family is comprised of adults who can choose to come see you, or keep in touch with you, in a way that suits them too. It’s not all on you to do the initiating and arranging.
I’d say this is especially relevant when we’re talking about parents who don’t really respect, or have a clear understanding of, your financial condition or your health status, and who expect you to leap into a major undertaking or put further burdens on yourself the minute you have any sort of stability. There’s a good reason you didn’t mention your health struggles to your parents, right? Maybe you felt that more would be demanded of you than you’re capable of achieving. The return of your period might be an indicator that your health is headed in a positive direction, but it sure doesn’t mean you’re “done” healing, and there’s no reason for you to put yourself through having to justify your own struggles to other people who are prone to telling you what your life should be like, instead of listening to you tell THEM what your life IS like.
Stay home, recover, send nice presents or something, arrange a Skype visit, send handwritten cards to your ill relatives so they have something personal from you, and keep on keepin’ on.
posted by Autumnheart at 9:03 AM on December 15, 2018 [7 favorites]
I think you should put on your own oxygen mask first and take care of yourself this holiday season. If you need permission to disappoint other adults, you have mine.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:19 AM on December 15, 2018 [13 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 9:19 AM on December 15, 2018 [13 favorites]
I also don't think you should go if you don't feel ready to deal with familial pressure. Since you've been making great progress , why risk setting that back by putting yourself in a situation that will put a lot of strain on you?
I would think of another way to celebrate Christmas that will make you happy, and do that. Hang out with a friend, treat yourself to a relaxing day of things you enjoy, buy yourself something you need or have been wanting. You can send nice gifts and communicate with your family over Skype, where it's easier to step away.
Congrats on your progress and best of luck!
posted by DTMFA at 9:29 AM on December 15, 2018
I would think of another way to celebrate Christmas that will make you happy, and do that. Hang out with a friend, treat yourself to a relaxing day of things you enjoy, buy yourself something you need or have been wanting. You can send nice gifts and communicate with your family over Skype, where it's easier to step away.
Congrats on your progress and best of luck!
posted by DTMFA at 9:29 AM on December 15, 2018
Do you have to tell them your period has started again? Is there any reason they need to know this detail, or can you respond to questions about your health with something like "I'm feeling fine today, thanks!" And if they press for details, say something like "I'd rather not discuss that today; how are you doing?" (or other topic-changing thing)
posted by sarcasticah at 9:50 AM on December 15, 2018 [19 favorites]
posted by sarcasticah at 9:50 AM on December 15, 2018 [19 favorites]
Do you think you could go back while keeping up some walls around yourself? You could resolve not to tell them about your period even if they comment on your weight, and you could have a planned reply to all pressure around house or helping, like "I really have to focus on the next step with my career now that I finished my program. After I get more settled, I will start to think about [saving the world's stray kittens]." If they pressure more, elaborate more. "It's actually really competitive so if you want a good job, you have to figure out where you want to locate and then start volunteering and networking there, so I'm trying to research places to live..." The key thing here is, elaborate on the stuff you want to talk about. And be vague and fast to change other topics. "Has your period come back?" "I'm starting to do a little better but still have some health stuff that I'm working on. Thanks. How's Uncle Steve's health?" I would not hesitate to refer to your ongoing "health issues," as (a) your physical health still sounds fragile, and (b) your mental health sounds even more in need of protection.
It sounds to me like you want to go back, and it might be a good chance to start developing some skills. Keeping the visit short might help. That said, if you don't think you can protect yourself, I wouldn't risk a complete relapse into disordered eating. Congrats on all your hard-earned progress!
posted by salvia at 10:19 AM on December 15, 2018 [4 favorites]
It sounds to me like you want to go back, and it might be a good chance to start developing some skills. Keeping the visit short might help. That said, if you don't think you can protect yourself, I wouldn't risk a complete relapse into disordered eating. Congrats on all your hard-earned progress!
posted by salvia at 10:19 AM on December 15, 2018 [4 favorites]
You could go back for a shorter trip and, instead of staying at your parents' house, if you can afford it, you could stay in a hotel so you have more space and more you-time.
posted by AppleTurnover at 10:51 AM on December 15, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by AppleTurnover at 10:51 AM on December 15, 2018 [3 favorites]
Safeguard your health and progress (congratulations! I know it's hard won to heal this stuff in ourselves.) If you are even a tiny bit unsure whether it would be safe and positive for you, protect your progress first. Going to visit and having it cause a backslide isn't worth it. Choose your wellbeing. You can invent nourishing traditions for yourself. It's not necessarily awful to spend holidays by yourself. You can pamper and indulge yourself with restorative activities. Decorate your place a bit with lights and candles and make yourself a cozy, sweet holiday. It's freeing to devote that time to your own enjoyment and peace.
posted by quince at 11:19 AM on December 15, 2018
posted by quince at 11:19 AM on December 15, 2018
Ultimately, this is the question driving your academic success and your ED: can your parents be loving and supportive of an imperfect child? High achieving kids face this all the time, but high achieving asian immigrant kids get a double dose because the parents societally expect to control every aspect of their kids lives, even though they don't have the knowledge or ability to do so in the new country.
The answer, as you have seen is: only when they are scared to death. Like they were when you were visibly ill. Now your illness is less visible. You can either go on pretending you are ok until you recover in privacy. Or you can tell them you are not ok, and ask them to leave off the comments, expect 30% to 50% compliance, and see them for Christmas.
Do you think 1 parent might be more able to process this info than the other? They might be a good place to start.
I don't think the dynamic will change at some future point when you are healed. That seems like more perfectionist thinking: I can manage them when I am healed is the same as they will leave me alone when I buy a house and get married and tick their never ending boxes.
The dynamic can only become more tolerable as you heal.
So if you're lonely, I would recommend going to see them but try issuing some warnings ahead of time and keep your visit brief.
posted by charlielxxv at 11:55 AM on December 15, 2018
The answer, as you have seen is: only when they are scared to death. Like they were when you were visibly ill. Now your illness is less visible. You can either go on pretending you are ok until you recover in privacy. Or you can tell them you are not ok, and ask them to leave off the comments, expect 30% to 50% compliance, and see them for Christmas.
Do you think 1 parent might be more able to process this info than the other? They might be a good place to start.
I don't think the dynamic will change at some future point when you are healed. That seems like more perfectionist thinking: I can manage them when I am healed is the same as they will leave me alone when I buy a house and get married and tick their never ending boxes.
The dynamic can only become more tolerable as you heal.
So if you're lonely, I would recommend going to see them but try issuing some warnings ahead of time and keep your visit brief.
posted by charlielxxv at 11:55 AM on December 15, 2018
Personally I have regretted it when I missed opportunities to see terminally ill family members before they passed. I don’t have many regrets in life but I have two situations where this occurred and I therefore prioritize this now.
That doesn’t mean I think you should sacrifice your health. I think you should sacrifice your parents’ comfort in asking after you. Tell them upfront that you want to see them and are doing well but that you do not want to discuss your health, your career prospects, or your weight, and instead plan to just catch up casually. Then if they mention something (when they mention something) you can say, “oh I think you forgot, I told you I wasn’t feeling up to discussing that. Thanks though.”
posted by samthemander at 12:07 PM on December 15, 2018 [7 favorites]
That doesn’t mean I think you should sacrifice your health. I think you should sacrifice your parents’ comfort in asking after you. Tell them upfront that you want to see them and are doing well but that you do not want to discuss your health, your career prospects, or your weight, and instead plan to just catch up casually. Then if they mention something (when they mention something) you can say, “oh I think you forgot, I told you I wasn’t feeling up to discussing that. Thanks though.”
posted by samthemander at 12:07 PM on December 15, 2018 [7 favorites]
Would it be possible for you to visit briefly and specifically to see the ill family members? I was going to say that, if you are still feeling fragile, it is entirely reasonable to avoid this Christmas--holidays can be extremely difficult for people with any eating issues whatsoever--but, if you have any connection with the dying relatives, it would be a pity to miss them entirely.
And I wouldn't say this if you felt generally happy and comfortable with your relationship with your parents, but...still trying to understand why they would even know about your period. Sounds like going forward you could benefit from the kind of relationship where your family isn't (figuratively) all up in your uterus.
posted by praemunire at 3:30 PM on December 15, 2018 [1 favorite]
And I wouldn't say this if you felt generally happy and comfortable with your relationship with your parents, but...still trying to understand why they would even know about your period. Sounds like going forward you could benefit from the kind of relationship where your family isn't (figuratively) all up in your uterus.
posted by praemunire at 3:30 PM on December 15, 2018 [1 favorite]
I literally just asked my dad to stop bugging me about Traditional Life Milestones in a letter and he did. If your parents are considerate, you could maybe just ask them directly to back off.
posted by aniola at 3:35 PM on December 15, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by aniola at 3:35 PM on December 15, 2018 [1 favorite]
Another vote for going but asking your parents ahead of time to please steer clear of particular conversation topics/lines of questioning.
posted by sunflower16 at 10:12 PM on December 15, 2018
posted by sunflower16 at 10:12 PM on December 15, 2018
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