How to handle conflict like a boss

I was initially afraid that a talk about conflict management would be touchy-feely to the point of uselessness, but found that every time Deb Nicholson described a scenario, I could remember a project that I'd been involved in where just such a problem had arisen. In the end, her "Handle conflict like a boss" presentation may turn out to have been one of the more rewarding talks I heard at FOSDEM 2017.

Nicholson's first contention was that conflict happens because some people are missing some information. She related a story about a shared apartment where the resident who was responsible for dividing up the electricity bill was getting quite annoyed at the resident who had got behind on his share, until Nicholson pointed out that the latter resident was away at his grandmother's funeral. Instantly, the person who'd been angry was calm and concerned, through no change other than coming into possession of all the facts. Conflict is natural, said Nicholson, but it doesn't have to be the end of the world.

Sometimes, mismatched information causes problems. She showed a slide with a sign from a local "boat and dog wash", and asked us to think about the reaction of the dog washers to a boat washer who announced they'd made things much more efficient by the introduction of a highly-caustic soap that cleaned boats in half the time. The dog washers will be appalled, and say so, and the boat washer in turn may be quite hurt that his or her work in optimizing the wash is unappreciated. Someone who can see the mismatch of information, and encourage all sides to see the other people's point of view, can defuse the situation.

Passion itself can become a problem; that same motor that drives us to do these amazing things can drive us straight onto rocks, as people get caught up in the enthusiasm of the moment and lose sight of the goal. Nicholson put up an amusing slide of a Scottish festival that filled up with Kate Bush impersonators; participants decided to try for a world record. Sadly, everyone was having such a good time that they forgot to have anyone count them, so no record resulted.

Sense of identity can be a minefield, especially when tied up in something task-oriented rather than goal-oriented. It's all very well to have a project to upgrade the bug tracking system to one that doesn't require hours of volunteer work to keep it ticking along, but the person who's known throughout the community as the volunteer who keeps the bug tracking system running may get upset if they're not fully invested in the upgrade.

Some people are just conflict lovers. But if conflict in your project isn't checked, everyone else will leave. Sometimes, this or other conflicts can't easily be stopped, and then it's time to weigh your investment and consider whether you should move on, for your own sanity. As Sarah Sharp once said "there are many FOSS projects, but only one me".

It can help to be aware that there are generally three ways people handle conflict: avoidance, which can lead to festering and eventual disconnection; accommodation, which can lead to the adoption of false or unworkable middles out of a desire to make the conflict go away; and assertion or aggression, where behavior degrades to provoke responses. So this said, how should we deal with conflict? Nicholson noted that kudzu has a reputation in the southern US for taking over the world; in fact, it just grows really well on clear-cut road verges. But that's all that most people see, so they get a mistaken impression of what's really going on. She reiterated that more information is generally the best way to help; often the information that some people, usually newer arrivals, are missing is the historical information. That is particularly important because it tends to explain why we do things the way we do them.

When trying to help, note that people respond to things you can't see: motivations from their employer, life goals, and the like. Ask other people about their motivations, to better understand them. Fear can often be a driver, particularly fear of change. Since none of us likes to admit that fear, finding it out may require private, one-on-one conversations. Sometimes, discussing the alternative scenarios can help (what's the worst that could happen?), but sometimes you have to accept that an idea is just the right one at the wrong time, or vice-versa.

So who's doing this work in your project? Nicholson was clear that it shouldn't just be left to volunteers, and it shouldn't be assumed to be women's work. If you're anywhere near the top of a project, you should be planning for future conflict, right now; when you do, assume the best of people, and set parameters for disagreement. Of those, a vital one is to avoid ad hominem attacks: they are very hard to come back from. Finally, set an example; if you can't walk your walk, it's unlikely anyone else will bother to try.

This whole talk was painful enough to hear that I had to stop myself from wincing on multiple occasions. It's not stuff I deal well with; but I suspect that makes me the target audience; I shall be trying hard to keep it in mind the next few times things get heated.

[Thanks to the Linux Foundation, LWN's travel sponsor, for making this article possible.]