Farscape

Farscape is a science-fiction TV series (1999 - 2004) about an astronaut who ends up on the other side of the galaxy after crashing into a wormhole during the test flight of his space module Farscape-1. Here he joins a group of escaping prisoners on board a living ship.

Season 1

Premiere

Crichton: There's life out here, Dad. Weird, amazing, psychotic life. And death. In Technicolor. Hey, Dad, you know those rattlers in the stomach we talked about? Well, I've got them now.

Crichton: Boy, was Spielberg ever wrong. Close Encounters my ass.

Rygel: I'm Rygel the Sixteenth, dominar to over six hundred billion people. I don't need to talk to you.

Aeryn: He claims to be a human from a planet called Erp.

Jack Crichton: [before John's launch] Son, I can't help being who I am. Who I was.

John Crichton: It's not who you are, Dad: I love who you are. It's being son of who you are. [nervous chuckle] Look, I... can't be your kind of hero.

Jack Crichton: No, you can't be. But each man gets a chance to be his own kind of hero. Your time will come, and when it does, watch out. Chances are it'll be the last thing you ever expected.

Press representative: [explaining theory behind Farscape One project] Ladies and gentlemen of the press, at 26:14 on the flight clock, we begin the major experiment of this shuttle mission. Commander John Crichton will pilot a craft of his own design in a dangerous attempt to use our planet's gravity as a speed booster, slingshotting him off into space at previously unrecorded speeds. If successful, the results are anticipated as the first concrete steps toward interstellar travel.

Crichton: [seeing Moya for the first time] That's big. That's really big.

Rygel: I found the manifest. We were scheduled for transfer to Terron-Ra.

D'Argo: That's a lifer's colony!

John Crichton: [surprised] Prisoner... you're escaped prisoners?

D'Argo: [solemnly] I will not be taken prisoner again.

Rygel: [noticing Crichton] They brought you on board, didn't they? Don't worry, I'll protect you. I look after you now, you look after me later.

Zhaan: [after initial starburst] Pilot, does Moya know where we are?

Pilot: Yes, of course! We're someplace else. I'll... get back to you on the specifics.

Rygel: [about an unusual aspect of Hynerian physiology] It's a perfectly natural bodily function. And it's odorless.

D'Argo: So your loyal subjects tell you!

John Crichton: You fart helium?

Crais: [to Crichton] A human? It will require some study. I will personally enjoy pulling you apart to see what you're made of.

John Crichton: [with pulse pistol, to Peacekeeper guards] Don't move! Or I'll fill you full of... little yellow bolts of light!

Aeryn Sun: It's my duty, it's my breeding since birth. It's what I am.

John Crichton: You can be more.

I, ET

Crichton: It’s just like a VCR, except easier.

Crichton: We can stick our heads between our legs and kiss our asses goodbye. It’s a saying.

Crichton: The sound is doing something to my eye. Feels like it’s melting my brain. It couldn’t actually be doing something to my brain, could it?

Rygel: [I'm] aquatic. That's water, not mud. Mud is mud. You can't breathe in it, you can't move in it. It holds you, it grabs you, it sucks you down. You want to know about mud? I know about mud!

Crichton: The guy knows mud.

Crichton: [stepping out onto the planet for the first time] Kinda like Louisiana. Or Dagobah.

[Aeryn looks at him]

Crichton: Dagobah. Where Yoda lives.

Crichton: Look, I understand what a phenomenal moment this is for you.

Lyneea: Do you? Can you? I mean, to you space-travel is commonplace. But to us, here, I mean in one flash....

Crichton: ....you learn that you're not alone in the universe. That interstellar space travel is possible, that a zillion of your empirical facts about science and religion are wrong, or completely suspect? I do understand.

Crichton: You know, when I was your age, I used to dream about meeting a real, live alien.

Fostro: Yeah. Me too.

Exodus from Genesis

Rygel: Mother always said I was the best looking. That's why she had my older brothers banished. She said my face belonged on the Imperial seal.

Aeryn: No offense, human, but what could I possibly need from you?

Crichton: Manners, personality, stock tips.

Aeryn: [about Peacekeeper commandos] I'm sure your world has no force so ruthless, so disciplined.

Crichton: Oh, we call them linebackers. Or serial killers, depends on if they're... professional or amateur.

D'Argo: [to differentiate themselves from their clones] We will cut off the tip of our small finger for identification.

Crichton: [with can of spray paint] How about something a little less permanent?

Throne for a Loss

Crichton: Stimulant? That’s a little more than cappuccino, pal. Our friend just tried to kill us!

Crichton: That’s your plan? Wile E. Coyote would come up with a better plan than that!

Crichton: Next time you hit me, make sure I don’t wake up.

Rygel: If you must address me, do so as Your Supreme Eminence. Which you should be doing anyway.

Zhaan: Soft, yes. Weak, no.

Zhaan: Am I the only species in creation that doesn't thrive on conflict?

Back and Back and Back to the Future

Crichton: Open your ears, or your tentacles, or whatever orifice it is you listen with!

Crichton: Ask me later. Just ask me later when I’ve got more time. Of course I could be dead three or four times by the time you ask.

Thank God It's Friday. Again

Crichton: This is the end of hyper rage? I get hugged to death?

Aeryn: Nobody knows you here. It's only people who know you that want to kill you.

Aeryn: She gives me a woody. [Crichton looks at her] Woody. Human saying. I've heard you say it often when you don't trust someone, or they make you nervous, then they give you—

Crichton: The willies! She gives you the willies.

Aeryn: Yes, well, the day that they prove that is the day I let Palmonian meat hounds tear all the flesh from my bones.

PK Tech Girl

Crichton: They spit fire? How come no one tells me this stuff? How come no one tells me they spit fire? Aeryn!

Crichton: I try to save a life a day. Usually it’s my own.

Crichton: Human. It’s kinda like Sebacean, but we haven’t conquered other worlds yet, so we just kick the crap out of each other.

Rygel: Long enough for me to see your blue backside meditating, but not long enough for you to touch me.

Zhaan: I'm a trusting soul at best, but not to a fault.

Zhaan: There you are. We've been looking all over for you, Rygel. You're making the DRD's nervous.

That Old Black Magic

Crichton: It’s not Kansas, and you’re way too homely to be Auntie Em, but... Come here, Toto.

Rygel: John Crichton, unwelcome shipmate. May you have safe transport to the hallowed realm. Actually, not our hallowed realm. That's for Hynerians. Go find your own hallowed realm. With the Ceremony of Passage completed, I declare you officially dead, and claim all your possessions for myself.

DNA Mad Scientist

Rygel: You honestly believe I could find you appealing? I mean, you're so, so, blue!

Rygel: I'm always ravenous when I'm about to take a long journey.

Aeryn: You and the others are trying to get home avoiding Peacekeeper territories. My home is Peacekeeper territories; it's just that I can't ever go back there. Ever.

Zhaan: Rygel, what a surprise. I see you're having something to eat. Is this your third helping or your fourth?

Pilot: If he should ask for it, what body part are you willing to offer for it, your Eminence?

They've Got A Secret

Aeryn: You say you want to go back to this planet of pain and suffering!

Crichton: Well you guys don't have chocolate.

Pilot: ...she reallocated some resources.

Rygel: "Reallocated some resources"?! She starved you and almost suffocated us!

Till The Blood Runs Clear

Crichton: Back off! Get that weapon out of my face before I feed it to you. Now tell your bitch to let my female go.

Crichton: I’m Butch. This is Sundance. We're the Hole in the Sky gang.

Rygel: I don't think you want to go after her. She said something about leaving her clothes behind.

Aeryn: I am no one's female!

Rhapsody in Blue

D'Argo: Something Crichton said is disturbing me.

Rygel: Finally! I've been saying that since he arrived.

D'Argo: It's what he said about us all having the same dream.

Rygel: It wasn't the same. Mine was better than yours.

Crichton: That's my underwear.

Aeryn: [points to tag] What does this say?

Crichton: Calvin.

Aeryn: Well, they're not yours.

Rygel: I like my wives pregnant and my ships cold to the touch. That way my feet stay warm and my slumber is uninterrupted.

Crichton: Wives plural? Big fella! [gives him high-five]

Zhaan: We all visit the precipice. Each one of us must find our own way down.

Crichton: It's like Disney on acid! Ten years of really great sex all at the same moment.

Zhaan: I am unimpressed by your masculine memories.

The Flax

Crichton: One thing, just to be absolutely certain, you are the female of your species, right? I’ll take that as a yes.

Aeryn: [Crichton falls on top of Aeryn and she smiles]Are you comfortable? Can I get you a pillow?

Jeremiah Crichton

Crichton: Since I left home, I’ve been hunted, beaten, locked up, shanghaied, shot at. I’ve had alien creatures in my face, up my nose, inside my brain, down my pants. This is the first time, the first place, where I’ve felt peace.

Crichton: [watches as Rygel is being worshipped as a god] The slug that would be king.

Durka Returns

Crichton: Come on out, Chiana. Look, I don’t have time to play this game. Durka’s gone Hannibal Lecter on us.

Crichton: Nebari mental cleansing doesn’t get the tough stains out.

Chiana: Typical male. Satisfy yourself first.

A Human Reaction

Crichton: They have worlds out there, people that you wouldn’t believe. But they do not have chocolate.

Aeryn: Rain... Is that what you call this? I like it.

Through the Looking Glass

Crichton: Listen, sunshine... You wanna be part of this crew?

Chiana: On your good days!

Crichton: This is one of the good days. I thought you were junior Miss Tough-Chick-of-the-Universe?

Crichton: I haven't heard of anything like anything happening before. My planet doesn't even go to the moon anymore.

Crichton: You'll be happy to know I have a plan.

Chiana: You saw a creature? What kind of creature? The kind we eat? Or the kind that eats us?

D'Argo: One Mippippippi... Two Mippippippi...

Crichton: Oh hell, we're screwed.

Rygel: Should I disrobe so it's memorable?

Zhaan: My dear, I've kicked more ass than you've sat on.

A Bug's Life

Crichton: Always a party.

Chiana: Is everybody aboard this ship kinkoid?

Nerve

Crichton: A little while ago a commando skewered you with his Swiss Peacekeeper army knife.

Stark: [raving and pointing] ...MY SIDE! YOUR SIDE! MY SIDE! YOUR SIDE!...

Crichton: Danger... danger, Will Robinson. Beware of the chair... beware of the chair.

Crichton: Fetch the comfy chair.

The Hidden Memory

Rygel: My progeny were tiny. Tiny and handsome, like their father.

D'Argo: I'm coming with you. If you can be an idiot, I can be an idiot.

Bone to be Wild

Rygel: You're not seriously considering going down there are you? For goodness sake, did you see that thing?

D'Argo: You do not have to go down there, Your Flatulence.

Crichton: All right, one quick trip to the pharmacy coming up. Out the door, turn left at the creature.

Chiana: If your hand is still there in one microt, I'll snap it off and use it as a good luck charm.

D'Argo: Zhaan, let me explain to you what is going on inside my nose right now. Large pieces of green mucus, gunk...

Crichton: D'Argo, D'Argo, no no no. Stop it with the Luxan poetry.

Zhaan: How animalcentric of you, John!

D'Argo: No offense, but I say we take this tree-hugger, shove him out the access port, and get the hezmana out of here.

Family Ties

Crichton: It's a Jerry Springer kind of family. But for what it's worth, Zhaan, you are family.

Aeryn: Oh, just to be in the warm glow of all this testosterone.

Crichton: How you doing?

D'Argo: I have to pee. [Both start laughing]

D'Argo: She was vague to the point that I suspect she doesn't have a clue.

D'Argo: Fear accompanies the possibility of death. Calm shepherds its certainty.

Crichton: I love hanging with you, man.

Crichton: [seeing the burning moon] Hey you bastards... John Crichton Was Here!

Season 2

Mind The Baby

D'Argo: As John once said, I would rather go down on a swing!

Crichton: Swinging. Go down swinging.

Crichton: How many times have we been close?

Aeryn: [Looking at D'Argo and whispering back] Just the once.

Crichton: [quietly] No, no no no. not that kind of close.

Aeryn: Oh, you mean friend close. Umm, [clears throat] more than once.

Rygel: May your afterlife be almost as pleasant as mine.

Crichton: Fine, just— ditch the firm, fly to Maui, shack up with the super model—BUT YOU DO NOT GET TO KEEP THE PORSCHE!

D'Argo: Paper cannot possibly beat rock.

Crichton: It does. Paper beats rock.

D'Argo: Rock rips through paper.

Crichton: D'Argo, that's not how it works. Paper beats rock.

D'Argo: That's unrealistic.

Vitas Mortis

Chiana: You know until today, I never really realized how much I love my feet.

Taking the Stone

Crichton: Aeryn, what the hell is wrong with you? You are the pin up girl for frontal assault.

D'Argo: You robbed the dead!

Rygel: And believe me, that wasn't as easy as it sounds.

Crackers Don't Matter

Crichton: I got great eyes; they're better than 20/20, and they're blue!

Crichton: Bingo! Give Brainiac the fluffy doll!

Crichton: Is that it, Sparky? Gonna take the road well-traveled? Gonna play dumb? [singing] I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream! Baskin Robbins, Ben and Jerry’s, Good Humor. What’s your favorite—creamsicle or fudgesicle?

Aeryn: Next time you'll be a crouton, Crichton!

Chiana: I'm having sex with 3 hynerian donkeys; what does it look like I'm doing?

Pilot: I'm only judging on my experience with you, but I've never seen such a deficient species.

Crichton: I'm not deficient. I'm superior! Humans. Are. Superior.

T'raltixx: [repeated line] I need more light! More light!

Scorpius hallucination/Harvey: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and you like revenge, don't you, John?

Crichton: Shut up! I hate it when villains quote Shakespeare.

Scorpius hallucination/Harvey: [in a Hawaiian shirt, about Aeryn] Kill her! Then we'll have pizza! [holds up bottles] And margarita shooters! Go on, John, do it. Do it!

Crichton: [points both his weapons at Scorpius] No one has margaritas with pizza!

Crichton: [about the paste Zhaan is spreading on his face] What the hell is this?

Zhaan: Heat-deflecting paste; you'll burn up in there without it.

Crichton: Smells like puke.

Zhaan: I pre-digested it to increase its potency.

Crichton: It's puke?!

Pilot: While vaguely concerned about you, I am much more interested in how this will affect Moya.

Crichton: The ionic radiation gives her photogasms, unless she's faking it. They can do that, you know. Hey, Zhaan, you faking it?

Rygel: I never run away. I... strategically maneuver.

The Way We Weren't

Crichton: I don't think Pilot's in a "Leviathan for Dummies" mood right now...

Picture if You Will

Crichton: Maldis! C’mon you old bastard, show your ugly face. Haven’t you read the super villain’s handbook? This is where you’re supposed to twirl your mustache and gloat.

Maldis: I don't have a mustache John.

Maldis: As you said, this magical-mystery crap's not your thing.

Home on the Remains

Crichton: Hey Blue! Delivery. It’s not exactly Dominos, but it got here in less than 30 minutes.

Crichton: You can eat anything if it's fried.

Dream a Little Dream

Crichton: Screw’em Zhaanie. You’re a tenth level Pa’u, you get to eleven, we get a TV ministry.

Rygel: We haven't lied yet. Of course the trial has only been on for a few microts.

Jar Rouin: Trust me, I'm a lawyer.

Out of Their Minds

Crichton: Have we sent the "don’t shoot us we're pathetic" transmission yet?

D'Argo: That was actually the first thing we tried.

Rygel: Oh yes, I'm back too. Thanks for asking. Back to being me. Back to being ignored.

John: Well they say you have to walk a mile in someone's shoes to understand them.

Aeryn: Well I certainly know what you were doing when you were in my shoes, Crichton.

John: Gimme a break.

Aeryn: It's okay. It's okay, you know. You were in my shoes, I was in your pants...

Zhaan: By the goddess! What is this madness that has overtaken all of you?

Aeryn [in John]: We'll explain later; just shoot us, Zhaan. Full power, and don't worry, we'll have the screen up.

Zhaan: Are you sure about this, Crichton?

Rygel [in Aeryn]: Shoot the damn gun you blue-assed bitch!

John [in Aeryn]: Oh, come on, man! I'm... They're here. They're right here. They've been here for a couple of arns, and I just had to...

Aeryn [in Rygel]: You are mentally damaged.

John [in Aeryn]: I'm a guy. A guy. Guys dream about this sort of thing.

Aeryn [in Rygel]: I'll tell you one thing Crichton, if I find you've been dreaming anything else to my body I'll break your legs, even if they are mine.

Rygel [in John]: [about peeing] Could you show me how to do this?

John [in Aeryn]: Oh my god... unzip.

Rygel [in John]: Right!

John [in Aeryn]: Pull it out. Point it like a gun. And shoot.

Rygel [in John]: Aimed the right way?

John [in Aeryn]: Yes, that's fine.

[Tak vomits violently]

Rygel [in John]: Go on. Go on. Let it all out.

Tak: Excuse.

Rygel [in John]: No, no, that's all right, we do that sort of thing all the time here on Moya. I just peed in the maintenance bay.

Aeryn [in John]: She wants me?

John [in Rygel]: Yeah. Zhaan wants to hear it from you. She won't listen to Rygel.

Rygel [in Aeryn]: I told you! You all say I'm paranoid, but it's true: no one ever frelling listens to me!

John [in Rygel]: Can it, furball.

Rygel [in Aeryn]: Great! Now I'm getting yotz from my own body!

My Three Crichtons

Rygel: Listen to this. Double the Crichton and you double the waste of time.

Look at the Princess (1): A Kiss Is But a Kiss

Rygel: By the yotz! Run, fight, surrender — pick one.

Aeryn: That's great. It's a whole world designed for your rutting instincts.

Crichton: On my planet we don’t marry people we don't love unless they're critically ill billionaires.

Crichton: Better wed than dead.

[Aeryn runs into Scarran representative Cargn in a hall.]

Cargn: I don't believe I've had the pleasure.

Aeryn: Yes, I've heard that about Scarrans.

Crichton: Eighty cycles. My college loans will be delinquent. I'll miss the strippers on my hundredth birthday. I'll get a utility bill for three trillion dollars for a single porch light that I left on and everybody I know will be dead.

Look at the Princess (2): I Do, I Think

Crichton: That’s OK, it’s just a burden always being right.

D'Argo: Security is so tight that last night they burst into my room just as Chiana was... ah, screaming.

D'Argo: The bad news is that you are married and you must endure as a statue for eighty cycles in a strange world.

Crichton: What's the good news?

D'Argo: Chiana and I are having fantastic sex.

Crichton: Rock, me, hard place.

Aeryn: Now, don't feel bad. It's not you; it's me. I don't like you.

Look at the Princess (3): The Maltese Crichton

D'Argo: [to statue John] Do you feel any pain?

Crichton: No, but I'd really like to pick my nose.

Crichton: How Batman was that!

Crichton: Well there you go. Good guys win for once. And I have a child that I'll never know.

Beware of Dog

Won't Get Fooled Again

Crichton: Oh no, no, no, no I don’t boogie.

Crichton: Come out, come out wherever you are and see the young man that fell from the star.

Crais: FREEZE! You're under arrest! You have the right to the remains of a silent attorney! If you cannot afford one... tough noogies! You can make ONE phone call! I recommend Trixie: 976-Triple 5-LOVE. Do you understand these rights as I have explained them to you?! Well do ya, PUNK?

Crichton: No...

Crais: Well... then I can't arrest you!

D'Argo: My friend, one thing you have to learn. There is always time for beer.

Crais: I like your style hombre, but this is no laughing matter. Assault on a police officer. Theft of police property. Illegal possession of a firearm. FIVE counts of attempted murder. That comes to... 29 dollars and 40 cents. Cash, cheque or credit card?

Zhaan: I'm Doctor Kaminsky.

Crichton: Uh-huh. And, uh, you're a psychiatrist?

Zhaan: Mm-hmm.

Crichton: I don't think so. On Earth, psychiatrists don't come in blue.

Zhaan: Do you have a problem with people of colour?

Crichton: I have a contextual problem. You're an alien.

Zhaan: Yes, that's true. But I do have a Green Card.

Crichton: Interesting. Are you or are you not blue?

Zhaan: Would it matter to you if I was?

Crichton: Do you always answer a question with a question?

Zhaan: Does that bother you?

Aeryn: I'm a doctor. Just Relax.

Zhaan: I can wear a Freudian slip.

Aeryn: I find new places to take your temperature.

Chiana: I can teach you left-handed Latvian rodeo torture.

Rygel: This is for calling me Sparky. And this is for Fluffy. And this is for Buckwheat, whatever that means.

Jack Crichton: You're the one who wanted a child. I wanted a terrier!

Leslie Crichton: Oh, you couldn't give me what I really wanted.

Jack: Oh, so we get this loser! He can't fetch a ball, he can't get my slippers, he can't even land a damn module in one piece!

The Locket

Crichton: Aeryn, you are the one thing which has kept me from doing a kamikaze in the transport.

Rygel: You're worse than me, I like that.

The Ugly Truth

Crichton: That’s a long way down. Either that or they have deep shag carpets.

Crichton: Since I got here I’ve seen a lot of impossible things.

Crichton: There’s just nothing new in the universe is there? It’s the same everywhere, good cop, bad cop.

Aeryn: D'Argo is thinking with his mivonks again.

A Clockwork Nebari

Crichton: It’s going to be more real than real. It’s going to be super 3-D smell-o-vision in Sensurround.

Chiana: Something’s not right. Aeryn doesn’t even shower without a pulse pistol.

Rygel: I'm nobody's puppet!

Crichton: (to Rygel) You aren't into self-preservation. You are the KING of it!

D'Argo: John, all the things I've done as a warrior, all the horrible thoughts I've had all the cycles of my life, even about you, I am so sorry.

Crichton: John Crichton, Astronaut, master of the universe.

Crichton: Bitchin' man.

Rygel: Bitchin'.

Liars, Guns and Money (1): A Not So Simple Plan

Crichton: This will work, trust me. We just have to find a place to get our clothes off.

Crichton: You ever hear of KFC?

Akkor: KFC?

Crichton: It is, to my knowledge, unique in the universe, and unique is always valuable. Now, we have managed to procure all eleven secret ingredients.

Scorpius: Insert it! Insert it! Insert it! Insert the rod, John!

Crichton: You're really not my type!

Rygel: Ten percent of this plan is lunacy, fifty percent of these riches is not enough, one hundred percent of dead is dead.

Liars, Guns and Money (2): With Friends Like These...

Rygel: Every time I think that there's more to you than a pair of pushed-up loomas in a corset, you disappoint me

Liars, Guns and Money (3): Plan B

Crichton: He's here and... um, he blames me. He blames me for killing Scorpious. So I've been... I've been trying... trying to... uh...

D'Argo: Trying to what, John?!

Chrichton: D'Argo... kill me. D'Argo, please... kill me.

Die Me, Dichotomy

Crichton: You’re going to take my memories and I’m going to talk gibberish? Why don’t you just take my mojo while you’re at it?

Crichton: Aeryn, did I say or do anything to piss you off? I mean other than caving in the side of your head?

D'Argo: I can' feel ma tongue.

Stark: Whose faul' izzat?

D'Argo: Oh, fwell you.

Pilot: I am no higher or lower than I've ever been. My position is fixed.

Season 3

Season of Death

D'Argo: Aeryn died so you could live John. She would want you to keep fighting.

D'Argo: Do not. Make me tongue you.

Suns and Lovers

Crichton: Whoa, where do they get these stories? Let’s set the facts straight. First off there was no raping, very little pillaging and Frau Blucher popped all the eyeballs.

Crichton: Yeah, yeah, yeah, nothing like a bomb to sober me up, I’m fine.

Rygel: Repent? We have less than an arn. I was a Dominar. It'd take me longer than that to repent.

D'Argo: "Yeah we need you D'Argo, we need you. Oh, and by the way would you mind putting your hands up against the wall and spreading your legs so I can kick you up the mivonks." You have got to be one dumb trasnik.

Crichton: Commuter forecast on your travel day, storms expected just for you... [John notices Borlik is no longer in the capsule]

Borlik: [up against the wall sounding pleased] I think I'll be able to share my purification. It took all my strength, but I was able to reconfig the magnetics and stick here. By the time you cut me down, the storm will be upon us. [resumes chanting]

Crichton: [slowly walking away] You're too smart...

Borlik: [still smiling but slightly confused] Where are you going?

Crichton: Uh, you win, we lose. You-you outsmarted us...

Borlik: [looks really pleased and relieved]

Crichton: But that door you're stuck to... it's detachable.

Borlik: [looking panicked] NO!

Crichton: [nonchalantly] Yes...

Borlik: No! You lie! No you'll still be purified! [while John is rolling his hand] The Holy Gezma's punishment will be brought down upon you!

Crichton: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Pilot, I'm clear. Detach the door and suck this bitch out!

Pilot: [maniacal laughter as he ejects Borlik into space to be struck by the storm]

Self Inflicted Wounds (1): Could'a, Would'a, Should'a

Rygel: Doesn't simply shooting them dead strike you as viable?

Rygel: What friends? We were thrown together against our will and we're all just trying to make the best of it until we can get the chance to screw the others to get what we want.

Aeryn: Do you understand any of those words?

Crichton: Yeah, I watched all kinds of Star Trek. It's just the order that they're in.

Crichton: If he masters wormhole technology, what do you think he'll use it for?

Harvey: Faster delivery of pizzas.

Self Inflicted Wounds(2): Wait for the Wheel

Crichton: Welcome to the Federation Starship SS Buttcrack!

Zhaan: You are a very ungrateful and selfish woman. Please remain silent from now on.

Zhaan: Now I know I shall meet my goddess and be accepted to her bosom. Sensitive D'Argo, exuberant Chiana, wise Rygel, selfless Aeryn, innocent Crichton. My children, my teachers, my loves, there is no guilt, there is no blame, only what is meant to be. Grow through your mistakes and know that if patient redemption will find you.

Harvey: Why is it always the gentle ones who pay the price for everyone else's ambition? Hmm?

...Different Destinations

D’Argo: Ladies, some decorum please. This is a peace memorial; let's not kill each other.

Jool: You made me drink piss?

Eat Me

Crichton: Burnt, battered, busted, ding-dong the pod is dead.

Aeryn: If you try anything when I am gone whatever you have in the place of mivonks and wherever they are, they will be gone when I get back.

D'Argo: Stay back... Stay back or I swear I will kill you.

Kaarvoc: I don't think that's very polite.

Kaarvoc: This is my home. All I need is more... what... food? Family? Is there a difference?

Thanks for Sharing

Crichton: Cross my heart, smack me dead, stick a lobster on my head!

Crichton: You been lyin' to your daddy boy, and you know you shouldn't lie to your daddy! It's gonna stop! Now, who’s your daddy? C’mon, you know who your daddy is. Who’s your daddy? D’Argo, tell him who his daddy is.

D'Argo: I’m your daddy.

Crichton: That's right.

Crichton: Crais, I want you to find the fattest target you can. Government house, missile site, McDonalds, whatever.

Jool: There, I woke him up; now I hope he drops dead.

Chiana: I say we just go get the guns and go steal the stuff.

D'Argo: Well at least now he's out of your nose.

Crichton: Hair.

D'Argo: Yes, that's what I meant, at least now he's out of your nose hair.

Crichton: [sarcastically introducing himself] John Crichton, Wizard of Oz.

Green Eyed Monster

Crichton: Man, you guys should see this ugly sticky flesh. Kinda like my Aunt Ruth’s special Jello.

Rygel: Oh wonderful, they're alive. Now you can torture them with your inane dribblings.

Aeryn: Talyn, you've seen them both naked, perhaps you can tell us who's bigger.

Losing Time

Chiana: What if I have to piss?

D'Argo: Well then, we will all urinate together.

Crichton: [to a DRD] All right, we don’t understand the R2-D2 crap. We’re gonna use the Star Trek system: one blink for yes, two blinks for no.

Crichton: I’m a guy, I’ll probably be back in fifteen minutes.

Jool: I feel like I had a spiritual enema.

Jool: Shoot him, you're the warrior, just shoot him now!

D'Argo: With what? My nose?

Relativity

Rygel: Of course it's a foe. We have no friends.

Rygel: I may be small but allow me to remind you that only serves to put me at castration level.

Stark: Oh, you really do have three stomachs... and the smallest little heart I've ever seen.

Incubator

Meltdown

Crichton: God-like aliens. Boy, do I hate god-like aliens. I'll take a critter over a god-like alien any time...

Crichton: Is there some kind of stupid alien quotation book you guys use?

Scratch 'n Sniff

D'Argo: I am a full-blooded Luxan, and ladies, I have so much cash in my pocket that I can assure you that the three of us will crawl out of here on our hands and knees come sunrise tomorrow morning. I've been arrested for saying exactly the same thing on four different planets.

D'Argo: Girls, breasts, blue breasts, green breasts, I don't know. All I know is they spiked our drinks and took our money.

Infinite Possibilities (1): Daedalus Demands

Crichton: Harvey, kiss my medulla oblongata.

Jack: My name is [undecipherable string of syllables in an alien language]. You can call me Jack.

Rygel: Perfect. The half-blind leading the blind.

Infinite Possibilities (2): Icarus Abides

Crichton: I mean... how far are you gonna take this? Is this the end, or are you gonna try and put all the toothpaste back in the tube?

Jack: I doubt that's possible.

Crichton: But you're gonna give it the old college try, aren't you? You're gonna kill... me, Furlow, and Aeryn.

Crichton: Furlow, is it always about the money?

Furlow: Is there anything else? I mean... how much sex can you have?

Crichton: I don't know... I haven't maxed out yet.

Furlow: Don't be the hero, John. Always be the one to walk away while the hero dies. That's my motto.

Stark: [seeing the wormhole weapon destroy the Scarran dreadnought] ...I have no prayer for that...

Revenging Angel

Crichton: God, I love science fiction.

Crichton: I got plenty of reasons.

Harvey: Then give me the Letterman list.

Crichton: Earth, dad, pizza, sex, cold beer, fast cars, sex, Aeryn, love.

Pilot: I don't get out much, so I read.

Crichton: Well, this little spaceman is going home. Lock up the women and hide the fried chicken!

[Inside Crichton's mind, at his grave; his gravestone is engraved with "R.I.P. / Here lies / John Crichton / Human / Astronut / Natural born loser"]

Scorpius/Harvey: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to pay our final respects, and to say farewell to our dear friend, Commander John Crichton... A schmuck. Muleheaded, reckless, and probably braindead before I met him. Alas, his death... is mine also.

[Inside Crichton's mind]

Crichton: Even Kirk wouldn't stoop that low.

Scorpius/Harvey: That was a television show, John. And, he made Priceline commercials.

The Choice

Stark: It's filled with mystics and criminals!

Rygel: Then it's just like here: you're a mystic, and we're criminals!

Stark: If you've got a deity you had better make your peace with it now, because I'm going to lead you to the other side real quick.

Aeryn: Was it easy to be a hero? Leave me behind?

Crichton: You never think... you're gonna die. I didn't know.

Xhalax Sun: I've heard... loved ones leave you in pieces... that little by little you start to forget things about them, but that's not true. You lose them...everything, instantly, and suddenly nothing can replace them. Nothing.

Fractures

Rygel: You were... faking?!

Crichton: So that's what I'm doing. You don't have to come along. You don't have to like it. I just want you to know.

Pilot: Moya and I are against this idea in totality. I'm sure Captain Crais is aware that Talyn resists also.

Chiana: You don't know how far Scorpius is in his wormhole research. You don't know where he keeps it. You don't know anything. How are you going to stop him?

Crichton: Guys, I don't see another option. Scorpius has the knowledge from my brain and I'm not going to let him shaft the universe with it.

[Aeryn rises, walks over and stands beside Crichton, followed a few moments later by Crais]

Chiana: You're all gonna die.

Crichton: Do you see that one, Pip, or are you just guessing? We choose our own path. This one is mine. I'm going to the Command Carrier. I'm going to stop Scorpius.

I-Yensch, You-Yensch

Into the Lion's Den (1): Lambs to the Slaughter

Crichton: I do not sit at the kiddie table. Now you either give me the big toys or you send me home.

Crichton: Damn, I gotta stop pointing guns at people.

Crichton: I'm here, on a big stinkin' command carrier—Dick Tracy's freakin' neural bracelet linking me to Bram Stoker's nightmare. What more do you want from me?

Into the Lion's Den (2): Wolf in Sheep's Clothing

Crichton: Flying through wormholes ain’t like dusting crops, farm boy. It takes a little finesse.

Rygel: Don't think I'm going to miss you, any of you. I'm not. Well, maybe a little bit.

[from a deleted scene where Aeryn and Crais say goodbye to eachother]

Crais: All the times that I have endangered your life. All the times that I have lied to you. Hurt you. Starting from the moment I declared you irreversibly contaminated.

Aeryn: Listen to me. That was the beginning of my life.

Dog with Two Bones

D'Argo: Revenge is a feast best served immediately.

Rygel: Respect, my shiny, tiny hiney.

Crichton: What does that taste like?

Aeryn: Yesterday.

Crichton: Oh, well, nobody can compete with that. I am so much better dead.

Season 4

Crichton Kicks

Crichton: I've almost cracked "Wormholes for Dummies".

Crichton: [To Sikozu] So you Jacques Cousteau your way up stream to where they die.

Crichton: [To the Grudeks] NOH! PAV'HOR! HERRUCH'T! [To Sikozu] You didn't get that one did you... 'cause it's Klingon! A show of force is the only thing that Klingons understand.

Crichton: We're going to be really, really quiet so the Pirates of the Caribbean don't hear us, okay?

Sikozu: If you are sober or sane enough to understand, I suggest you aim that behind you. The creatures following me execute on sight. Now, what are you going to do for me?

John: [explaining his situation to Sikozu] Okay! Once upon a time I was happy here. A little on the lonely side - but that's okay 'cos at least Wynona only had to start cooking fires - you know - fire? Whoosh! Fire. Module's outta fuel so it's not goin' anywhere. So, I'm workin' like a mofo. And everything is fiiiiinally comin' together on these crates here - 'til you - SMASHED THROUGH - PISSING ME OFF - just - a little bit. So the only thing that I still had goin' for me - you just destroyed, lady! YEAH!

Sikozu: They know we’re here.

John: Oh, nothing gets by you, does it?

[After the Grudeks fire at them]

Sikozu: [whispering] Make them think you are dead!

John: Okay, Sputnik. [walks out to the catwalk and fires back] YOU MISSED!!

John: [flaunting his rear end to the hound] You want some o' this? Yeah! Grade-A prime American beef!

John: [about the baby] Maybe it's not mine at all.

Dream Aeryn: You just won't let that rest, will you?

John: Nah, maybe it's got a little pony tail and a teeny tiny goatee.

Dream Aeryn: Maybe.

John: Maybe there's half a metal face on it.

Dream Aeryn: Maybe.

John: Maybe it's a royal pain in the ass, eats all the time and farts a lot.

Dream Aeryn: Then we'll know it's yours.

Rygel: Wormholes, Aeryn, Earth, Aeryn, Scorpius, Aeryn. I'm out of fingers. Want me to keep counting on hers? [holds up Sikozu's severed hand]

What Was Lost (1): Sacrifice

Old Woman: Ask Vella, if all the priests died here, why are there no bones? Why are there no bones?

Grayza: Remember me?

John: Oh yeah, I remember a couple of things.

Old Woman: Crichton! (Moves to hug him)

John: Oh! Ah - damn! You need a bath!

Old Woman: Never bathe, never bathe - It washes off the juice.

Vella (to Jool): Intellectually - Luxans are a subspecies. He will make mistakes. You will be blamed for them.

What Was Lost (2): Resurrection

D'Argo: Well, to use one of your expressions, you're gonna have to take one for the team.

Crichton: Technically, I've taken two!

D'Argo: And now it's time for the triple.

Braca: Hello Crichton.

John: Hiya Braca. Let me ask you a question. You're a man of the world, right? Does my ass look big in these pants?

Old Woman: Crichton - we're all gonna die, but he can live down there until the magnetic summer ends.

John: And-?

Old Woman: And... (Pulls a pulse pistol out and tosses it out of his reach over the cliff.)

John (Annoyed): Was that Winona?

Old Woman: Yes

John: I really don't wanna know where you hid her.

Rygel: Great. We're hunted by Peacekeepers, towing a dead module, lost in the Uncharted Territories with no purpose in life. How good does it get?

Jool: You may not have been Vella's intellectual equal...

D'Argo: Well I am now. She's a rock.

Jool (To D'Argo): You have more courage... integrity and honesty than a dozen Vellas. And I should have said that to her.

Lava's a Many Splendored Thing

Crichton: How come everything tastes like chicken?

Crichton: You burn your old people?

D'Argo: No, it just sounded like a good idea.

D'Argo: Okay, okay, I'm with you. I just have one small, little question... Who is Lou Costello?

Crichton: This is unbelievable. Can't cook, won't bathe, and now she's narcoleptic? She's a triple threat.

Crichton: Damn! This has got to be bad for the sperm count.

Crichton: Can I get a "Hell, yeah!"?

Promises

Crichton: Asylum? What is it with Peacekeepers. First they hunt us, then they want to move in. Are we a bed and breakfast. Do we have a sign outside that says "Free HBO?"

Crichton: You're coming with me. We may need a nerd.

Natural Election

D'Argo: See plant, kill plant

Crichton: That's got to be on the Luxan coat of arms.

Rygel: If this goes bad, please die first so my last moment can be joyous.

Crichton: Aeryn... I figure a relationship... the kind we're not having... is based on trust.

Aeryn: I'm so sorry.

Crichton: Yah. Me too. Cause you don't trust me. So, I don't know how to trust you.

Aeryn: I think I've earned your trust.

Crichton: I would put my life... in your hands... but not my heart.

John Quixote

Rygel: You're a pimped-out, arrogant fleshie who wants to use my road where NONE SHALL PASS.

Noranti: You carry a weapon.

Crichton: Second amendment.

I Shrink Therefore I Am

Crichton: Pilot, I got a ton of groceries to unload.

Crichton: I'm going wabbit hunting.

Scorpius: You can't take them all at once.

Crichton: How dumb do you think I am? I'll take 'em down one by one the Die Hard way.

Crichton: This is John Crichton paging the head Cylon. Pick up the phone, Imperious Leader.

Crichton: Como estas, la cucaracha?

Crichton: So, we've gone from Die Hard to Honey, I Shrunk the Hostages.

Crichton: How are my little inaction figures?

Crichton: [Crichton puts on glove/hand of the alien he just killed] Oh, God it's still warm.

A Prefect Murder

Aeryn: I'm getting a really bad bribe.

Crichton: (to himself) Oh god, she's talking English. (to Aeryn) "Vibe."

Aeryn: I'm not sure... I have the strength to miss next time.

Crichton: I think... I'm just a bad shot.

Coup by Clam

[Crichton, dressed in women's clothing, stands on a table]

Crichton: Excuse me ladies, can I have your attention. Do any of you have one of these under your skirt?

[Crichton pulls two pulse pistols from hip holsters and begins shooting]

Crichton: Yeah, girl power!

Unrealized Reality

Rygel: Defying all logic, Crichton may actually figure out how to get us away from the Peacekeepers forever.

Pilot: Without disrespect, he oftentimes leaps to conclusions prior to leading us into--

Rygel: Not here, Pilot! Trust me, I wouldn't have risen to Dominar if I wasn't good at recognizing things before they happen!

Pilot: You were deposed in a coup led by your own cousin.

[scene begins as a close-up on Crichton's face]

Crichton: Oh no, this is that dream where I wake up in a cell, naked.

[camera moves back to show Crichton, on his back on the floor, in a t-shirt]

Crichton: [sighs] Thank heaven for simple mercies.

Crichton: What propulsion, the smoke you're blowing up my ass?

Crichton: I am not Kirk, Spock, Luke, Buck, Flash, or Arthur frelling Dent. I am Dorothy Gale from Kansas.

Kansas

Aeryn: D'Argo, you should study this. [sings along with the television] "L, m, n, o, p." Just a few of their words. Just in case.

D'Argo: Chiana has already told me a few words. 'Yes', 'no', 'bite me', that's all I need to know.

Crichton: Somebody got a sugar high. You been stealing candy, Mr. Burrels?

Rygel: Crichton, how illegal is this dren? You have to get me more. I don't care what it costs!

Terra Firma

Aeryn: A cat?

Crichton: Yeah, it's a pet.

Aeryn: Does he talk?

Aeryn: Well. Merry Frelling Christmas.

Crichton: Amen.

Twice Shy

Mental as Anything

D'Argo: He's locked in a prison composed from his own nightmares. Killing him would have been a mercy. I'm not that enlightened.

Bringing Home the Beacon

Crichton: Where's Aeryn, Aeryn?

A Constellation of Doubt

Rygel: [on Earth] It's a backwards planet full of superstitious, xenophobic morons. Nothing makes sense if they didn't think of it first and, even then, it's simplistic drivel. [to John] Beg pardon - how rude. Are you from there?

Sikozu: As stupid as you must think them, the Scarrans have managed to build one of the most extensive empires in the Galaxy in part - and I shall repeat this because it does not seem to sink in - by not advertising the location of their secret bases.

Sheriff: They were here. All of them. Ears. Tentacles. Cher.

Crichton: You're lying. You're not telling me you know where Katratzi is.

Sikozu: I have had enough of you.

Crichton: You have been nothing but lying from the moment you got on board this ship.

Sikozu: I do not know!

Crichton: And I won't let Aeryn die. Katratzi!

Sikozu: It is not my provenance if she lives or dies.

Crichton: Katratzi!

Sikozu: It is not my fault if she lives or dies.

Crichton: Katratzi!

Sikozu: It is not my will if she lives or dies. Crichton, listen to yourself! Everything lives and everything dies, whether you wish it to or not, and you have to deal with it.

Bobby: Whatcha doing?

Noranti: Making rat poison.

Bobby: Are you gonna kill a few?

Noranti: On the contrary, the rats asked me to make this so they could kill some humans.

Bobby: Are you in some kind of cult, like a witch or something?

Noranti: Not at the moment.

Bobby: Do religions hate each other where you come from?

Noranti: Oh, good heavens no. Religions are grand lofty ideals. Religious followers, now that's another story.

Bobby: Wars?

Noranti: Unspeakable.

Bobby: So we're not so different?

Noranti: That's nothing to be proud of.

Crichton: I don't care 'bout much. War. Death. Wormholes. I don't care about the things you care about. Peacekeepers rule the Scarrans. Scarrans rule the Peacekeepers. Put them together, put your ass in a cage. I care about one thing. One. God have mercy on my soul. I think I'm gonna need your help, mister Scarran half-breed, to get Aeryn back.

Prayer

Aeryn: There was one guard. I don't remember her face. She never told me her name. She told me a legend about how Sebaceans once had a god called... Djancaz-bru. Six worlds prayed to her. They built her temples, conquered planets and yet, one day she still rose up and destroyed all six worlds. And when the last warrior was dying, he... he said: 'We gave you everything. Why did you destroy us?' And, she looked down upon him, and she whispered... 'Because I can.'

Crichton: I've got a hum in my head, I'm gonna follow it.

Chiana: Oh, you've got something in there, but it's not a brain.

Crichton: With these wormholes, anything is possible. Somewhere the Cubs are winning the World Series.

We're So Screwed (1): Fetal Attraction

Trayso: A Luxan assistant?

Noranti: Oh, yes. Luxans make fine pilots, exceptional bodyguards and superlative lovers

Sikozu: If the freighter escapes then we abandon all hope.

Crichton: We abandon all hope of leading long and prosperous lives and we follow the freighter. (About Sikozu) She's still learning.

Sikozu: What about Scorpius?

Chiana: What about him?

Sikozu: Well he might have been captured!

Chiana: Or killed.

D’Argo: We can only wish.

Crichton: Harvey? You're not dead.

Harvey: Of course not. I am the - undead.

We're So Screwed (2): Hot to Katratzi

Crichton: Now, before anybody decides to get clever, you should know I have multiple dead man's sensors from every culture on my ship and a few cultures I haven't heard of. My heart stops, we all go boom. My heart speeds up, it's boom again. Too hot, too cold, too happy, too sad, thirsty, hungry, bored, it's John Lee Hooker time. Boom, boom, boom. (to the Scarran contingent) And you try your little psychic trick, kaboom, and we're all pushin' up day-glo daisies.

Ahkna: Why do I doubt that?

Crichton: Because you lack imagination.

Emperor Staleek: What do you want?

Crichton: "What do I want?" "What do I want?" I have not been chasing my ass all over the galaxy trying to pull out chunks of my brain. I have not been sneaking fembots and Skreeths into the places where I live. You want something! You. You want what's inside my head. You want what I know about wormholes. Because I can leap tall galaxies in a single bound! I can scorch planets with a wave of my hand, and you and you and you... you can't do jack.

Grayza: That's not true.

Crichton: Oh really? You command the stars to do your bidding? I know you can't. (to the Kalish) And you can't. (to the Charrids) And you can't. (back to Grayza) And you won't. But I have.

Emperor Staleek: Then why are you here?

Crichton: Because I... am an American. And what does an American want? Democracy? Capitalism! I want to sell out and settle down! For one day only, it's a blue-light special on aisle three! My wormhole technology, and a free set of steak knives, for all the tea in China. And anything you can imagine to pay me.

Ahkna: Pay?

Crichton: Yes, pay! Cash!

Vakali: He's crazy!

Aeryn: Isn't it fun?

Crichton: Welcome to my cold war. Now... what am I offered for all the powers of the universe?

Crichton: Bill Gates can’t guarantee Windows, how can you guarantee my safety?

We're So Screwed (3): La Bomba

Emperor Staalek: Were you planning to leave?

Crichton: Temporarily. Grayza called with another offer. But you had a riot going on, we didn't want to bother you, we decided to take our own car.

Emperor Staalek: I'm glad you didn't. Base defenses have been placed on highest alert. Any non-Scarran vessels will automatically be targeted and destroyed.

Crichton: We're very lucky.

Emperor Staalek: We'll transport you to the carrier.

Crichton: That's very kind.

Emperor Staalek: My pleasure. John.

Noranti: Who's Stark?

Rygel: Another lunatic with the wrong number of eyes.

Noranti: Oh, I do admire your compartmentalisation of duplicity!

Sikozu: They're trying to override the overrides!

Crichton: Duelling overrides. Don't you hate that?

Crichton: What the hell's going on up there?

D'argo: We couldn't override their override of our override.

Crichton: Hey, did you get my bomb?

Chiana: What?!

Crichton: Wh... I can't believe it. I left a nuclear bomb in an elevator.

Chiana: That's all right. You've done worse.

Crichton: Do the math. It's over.

Scorpius: I do not lose!

Crichton: Be happy to give you lessons.

Grayza: How dare you? Who do you think you are?

Braca: Captain Meeklo Braca, Officer of the Fleet, Peacekeeper Interplanetary Service.

Grayza: Oh. Nobody.

Crichton: You used me.

Scorpius: We used each other.

Crichton: You're better at it.

Grayza: You came in here big and bold, dancing on tabletops. And look at you now, begging for scraps.

Crichton: I may be jammed, possibly dead. But I am not begging; you can get that fantasy out of your head.

Grayza: In my hands, you can have peace! I can have peace!

Chrichton: I have been in your hands! There's no peace there - just power.

Grayza: You are so self-righteous! I have used all my skills, all my resources, for one perfect chance at peace! And because of you, it is gone! And I am...

Crichton: Frelled? Screwed? Raped? Welcome to the universe, Commandant.

Crichton: Hi... Honey. Huh. Guess what I did at work today? I wore a bomb. A nuclear bomb in a field of flowers. I could get lucky. Tomorrow I could have a bigger bomb. I could kill... more people. Maybe they'll be innocent people. Children... maybe.

Bad Timing

Crichton: I'm gonna fail. It's a sin, really.

Crichton: What did you imagine for your life?

Aeryn: Service. Promotion. Retirement. Death. You?

Crichton: This is exactly what I imagined. And a couple of kids.

[Crichton agonizes over possible failure to destroy the wormhole to Earth.]

Chiana: Pop the frelling bubble! Make the wormhole collapse!

Crichton: Pip, I can't do it.

Chiana: Yes, you can!

Crichton: I'm not… I'm not smart enough…

Chiana: Yes, you can!

Crichton: … I'm not fast enough, I am not alien enough, and you know what, there are people in the universe who don't like me!

Cast

Ben Browder - Commander John Robert Crichton, Jr.
Claudia Black - Officer Aeryn Sun
Anthony Simcoe - Ka D'Argo
Virginia Hey - Pa'u Zotoh Zhaan (seasons 1-3)
Jonathan Hardy - Dominar Rygel XVI (voice)
Gigi Edgley - Chiana
Lani Tupu - Pilot (voice), Captain Bialar Crais (seasons 1-3)
Wayne Pygram - Scorpius/"Harvey"
Paul Goddard - Stark
Rebecca Riggs - Commandant Mele-On Grayza (seasons 3-4)
Tammy MacIntosh - Joolushko 'Jool' Tunai Fenta Hovalis (seasons 3-4)
Raelee Hill - Sikozu Svala Shanti Sugaysi Shanu (season 4)
Melissa Jaffer - Utu-Noranti Pralatong (seasons 3-4)

External links

Wikipedia

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Farscape

Farscape quotes at the Internet Movie Database
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Sci-Fi's Official Farscape site
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The John and Aeryn site