Reviews

Firstly, the good - this was streaming for free on Youtube. The bad - that was probably still too much to pay.

As I see it, low budget movies like this need to lean into the mayhem to get away with it. This outing aggressively refuses to do so - instead meandering with expository heavy dialogue, long scenes of wandering around yapping, wooden acting and scant signs of the Jersey Devil we dialed in to see.

The third act at least lifts this effort from a 1 or 2 star rating to the lofty heights of 3 stars, as it is only then that things become a little unhinged and fresh. But that doesn't serve to elevate the movie to anything more than 3 stars.

This is a glorious b-movie where it seems the scriptwriters were given the brief to forget logic and dial everything up to 11. And it works for it - crazy splatter, a lack of wanting to take itself seriously, hyper-colour palette and Rutger just having a blast.

We watched this hopeful for a dark comedic b-movie, and it delivered in blood-splattered buckets.

Hauer is a nameless hobo who turns up in a new town to discover it's run by a larger than life gang family of ultra-violence and zero consequences.

So, as the title suggest, he gets himself a shotgun and begins to clean up the streets. It's ridiculous, tasteless and glorious.

Just a few minutes into this offering and I realised that The Asylum really missed a trick not calling this movie "Saws." It's got the crazy man making people play games for their lives of Saw, and the shark bits of Jaws. What a blend.

Overall it's a fun enough silly romp of a group of strangers making their way through a series of deadly challenges involving increasingly threatening sharks, and general manufactured peril. All the while being watched by the owner of the island who is seeking his own retribution for reasons they initially cannot fathom.

As with the Asylum, it's all on a shoestring budget. Surprisingly less silly gore than other offerings from this pulp house - which is a shame, we come to these films for the mayhem.

This is not high art. This is not slick hollywood. It's a silly romp designed to get accidental views/sales from people confusing it with Suicide Squad.

And I love it. Asylum make their movies for considerably less than it cost to airbrush out Henry Cavill's moustache. They're silly, fun, and illogical. A lot like most superhero movies, but without the price tag.

With a bit more polish this series could have been a lot more than what was delivered. The idea of fairytale characters battling it out in the real world could actually be a lot of fun. So kick back, feel free to talk over the movie, and enjoy the pulp schlock.

The makers of this movie thought they were doing a thoughtful and suspenseful horror. A family drama of dealing with dementia and forgotten secrets, framed in the shadow of a demon doll.

They didn't succeed. The intial plot setting is slow and unimaginative, leaning into stereotypes and lazy tropes.

I sat there just chanting for the demon egg doll to do something. But no, the inane forced family drama takes centre stage, poorly scripted and unconvincing.

Come on demon doll, do something. Something more than blinking.

It then moves closer to the promise horror, but really misses that as well. Bring your bingo card to tick off the tropes.

Star Wars set the bar.

Starcrash ignored it. Starcrash seems to have been developed and released in short order in the hope that grandparents would take kids to see it at the movies under the false assumption that this was a late running of Star Wars.

Those kids are still angry at their grandparents 45 years later.

But this is great 70's sci fi Schlock.

Be wowed by the lack of convincing special effects.

Laugh out loud when the light sabres, I mean "laser swords" make their appearance.

Cheer when David Hasselhoff turns up.

Look up the life story of the actor who looks like Bill S. Preston Esquire, and even go down the rabbit hole of the Academy Award winning documentary of his early days.

Speculate on the tax bill that Christopher Plummer must've been facing to consider signing on to this project.

Don't come expecting Marvel level story telling and production values. Come instead for the ride, and the Flash Gordonesque camp glory.

Great fun.

From the opening dialogue (the likes of which I haven't heard since my daughter stopped drama classes) you know it's going to be special.

This is an Italian remake of an Italian ripoff of Jaws. Complete with footage ripped from the Jaws movies, and Great White (1981), the original ripoff.

A shark is hunting people at a Florida beach. The mayor wants to keep the beach open and run a regatta. The mob are interested for reasons. A local marine park operator is facing foreclosure.

And it comes down to Hulk Hogan, Matt Damon and Luke Perry to stave off the stock footage monster. Okay, not actually those actors, but if you watch the movie you'll know what I mean.

This is glorious B-movie schtick.

It makes one vital improvement on Great White. I felt they missed the opportunity to critique the size of the helicopter in that movie. This revisit (with most of the same footage) addresses that omission. We cheered when we heard the line.

The star wars theme notes (and maybe Indy?) are icing on the cake...

Getting the elephant in the room out of the way, this film has to have been written after a Philip K. Dick binge. Early on I was thinking Ubik, but then themes from Electric Sheep.

Which isn't a terrible thing, these were themes and ideas to build on. But if you love the works of Philip K Dick there's a risk you'll feel cheated. I didn't, but it's close.

Archive is a slow burner. AI, uploaded memories of the dead, alive in the hands of a corporation, but fading out of transmission range (no can of Ubik in sight). A man wrestling with the future and his past. Androids dreaming (but no electric sheep).

There are some pretty visuals (for the budget) and a lingering sense of the questions of humanity.

Superior to Blade runner 2049, if that's your gig.

If it comes up on Youtube recommendations, have a look at it. This isn't vintage Star Wars, but for a fan film it's very well done. The dialogue is choppy (but take a moment to remember George) and the acting a bit home-grown (but take a moment to remember Hayden). It's obvious, but it oozes with passion.

If I scored it as a fan-film, maybe 8 out of 10. If I scored it as a professional Hollywood go, maybe 2. I split the difference.

But seriously, as a fan film for free on Youtube at the minute - give it some time,

The Hobbit is an enjoyable enough movie, although it's too long. This is a children's book, it doesn't need endless LOTR tie-ins and the other additional material. This movie suffers from Peter Jackson's self indulgence, and the simple story is almost lost in the scramble for tie- ins, back-stories, marketable action figures and a sense of sweeping grandeur.

I shudder to think what the extended edition on DVD will be like (and we all know there is one to come.)

On the upside, there are some funny moments with the dwarfs descending on Bilbo Baggins' house and the interactions of a number of characters.

I gave it 6 - but would love Peter J to lift his game and just tell the story.

What can I say about this? It starts like a found footage film, dipping into what could almost be an homage to The Ring. Then loses its way even more. We are subjected to repeated footage and aimless progression towards the inevitable "shark" attack. I don't know if the dialogue was as trite and as forced in the original Japanese as it is in the subtitles, but it's pretty dire.

I can only assume this is someone's backyard attempt at a new take on Jaws. As such, it's probably fine if the intent was to show his mates over a few beers.

If you're going to watch it, I suggest getting the DVD so at least you'll get a nice coaster for your troubles.

The cringe factor is definitely back in New Zealand cinema. This could have been a fantastic story (in fact, the book was.) Betrayal. Blackmail. Dysfunctional characters. Humour. Intrigue. Murder.

But somehow it just didn't hold together. The characters were too stereotypical and evoked too much cringe factor (with the exception of Jemaine Clement's Spook, who injected some genuine fun into the film.) The script lacked a vision for capturing the darkness of the themes of the film (or conversely lacked sufficient humour to make up for the lack of darkness.) Overall it was too light hearted for the themes covered in the story - a story of blackmail, revenge and murder. Such a story required a liberal dose of black humour, but the script barely delves into somewhat-grey humour.

There are genuinely funny moments. But overall it was a disappointment and a missed opportunity to translate Morrieson's dystopian world to the screen.

...it's about the story-telling. 'Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang' is a clever piece of cinema. I first watched it a couple of years ago and really enjoyed it. Today I was recommending it to someone and realised I didn't really remember the plot as well as I normally do. Watching it again tonight it dawned on me that the reason for that is that the plot is simply the pin-board to which the pieces that make this movie are hung - and there's so much going on that you forgive the plot-holes and simply enjoy the way in which it is told.

Robert Downey Jr narrates. If I'd known that I'd have never rented it in the first place. So don't let the fact that this is a narrated film put you off. The narration is wickedly hilarious, self-deprecating and breaks the 4th wall in a surprisingly entertaining way.

It's a hard movie to describe, but in some ways it's simply an enormously entertaining romp that simultaneously nods to, and takes a pot-shot at the detective genre.

If it's on the box and you're planning a quiet night in then this is probably a reasonable option.

The whole thing comes across as a kind of a low-key British "Oceans Eleven", but without the big names (although "Minder's" George Cole and "Only Fools and Horses" David Jason appear to relish the trip down memory lane and the chance to return to the lighter side of the criminal world.)

The plot has a few holes and is a bit on the daft side, but David Jason's performance is - as ever - that of an engaging lovable rogue. Like I said, at time it did feel a bit too much like Oceans 11 and not enough like a story in its own right, but if you put that to one side and don't hold the highest hopes for it then you should be entertained.

The Clone Wars is a TV cartoon. If you'd watch "Dragonball Z: The movie" you might want to watch Clone Wars.

That's really all there is to it. They started making a TV show, and then - as an afterthought - added a "feature movie". Call it a pilot "TV movie" that was put on general release.

My daughters lapped it up. They are the ones whom it was for. Don't watch it to complete the Star Wars canon. Watch it because you're taking your kids to the movies - and go with that expectation. With that kind of expectation you won't be so disappointed - although Jabba's camp uncle will still manage to grate...

Bobby is a goofy kid who smiles far too much and wants sex. So he buys a van to aid in this quest. The acting is lame, the comedy is pathetic and the script is no more than a loosely strung chain of clichés and cheap thrills. The makers of the film obviously wanted to capture some of the out there craziness of other films of the time, but fell a long way short. They even resort to Bobby slipping on a banana skin, because this will supposedly add comedic value.

I'm struggling to find a redeeming feature of the film. If you like DeVito, this is another classic DeVito kind of role - but he's only a supporting actor and there for cliché value.