Artemis Fowl

I felt nauseous while watching it. I want a personal apology from the frozen head of Walt Disney.

It's actually been a long time since reading the book series, but from retrospect they were certainly better than this film version. Love Disney and Disney+ has been a godsend recently and watched regularly actually, one of many reasons as to why my reviewing here has slowed down. Kenneth Branagh is a gifted director, absolutely love his Shakespeare adaptations with 'Much Ado About Nothing' being a personal favourite (though others will prefer the also great 'Hamlet' and 'Henry V'). Love Judi Dench as an actress too.

'Artemis Fowl' was a real disappointment. As an adaptation it's an abomination, one of the worst book to film adaptations there is in existence. Am not kidding here. It fares even worse on its own terms, despite what those that have defended the film say some that have hated the film have not read the books and saw it as fans of Branagh and Dench, my parents being among those people. Almost nothing works and Branagh has never been this uninterested in his directing in what is easily his worst film (those that disliked 'Murder on the Orient Express', didn't care for that myself while not hating it, will appreciate that film better after seeing this).

The least bad asset is actually the music score, which is actually beautiful to listen to, authentically Irish and lilting. Sadly it was one of those scores that were pleasant enough on their own but failed to fit within the film, this score sounded like it belonged somewhere else. The scenery also wasn't bad in parts but the photography generally is rushed looking and some of the images thanks to some very disjointed editing and garish lighting are quite ugly so that was wasted too. Any special effects are afterthought-looking.

Moving on further onto the criticisms, the acting is really not good. Ferdia Shaw is monotone and charisma-free throughout. Lara McDonnell has more perkiness but the character is very underwritten and bland on the whole. Colin Farrell is completely wasted. Josh Gad tries too hard is gets very annoying after a while, actually thought he didn't blend very well with everything else. You know something is wrong when Dench gives the least bad performance and still manages to give one of her worst performances, that affected accent and voice was not needed and she doesn't look engaged at times. At least she showed some signs of having command over her meagre material.

Branagh was clearly not interested in the material, as his direction throughout is uncharacteristically indifferent and phoned in. One would not think that he is a great Shakespearean director, and he did prove with his wonderful 'Cinderella' that he could do non-Shakespeare too, as this is quite inept. The target audience also felt confused, my mother was very unsure at who 'Artemis Fowl' was aimed at, children will find it hard to follow and it is too dull for adults. Even teens, the main target audience of the book series, will question the target audience.

Script is stilted and is too exposition-heavy (apparent right from the beginning with an over-explanatory narration), a lot of the film screeching to a deadening halt in the more talky sections and there are a lot of those. The storytelling is incredibly thin and not does it feel like a hodge podge of cobbled togther ideas it is all executed in a dull fashion and with little coherence, literally only one event happens. There is one action show-piece pretty much with a troll very late on but even that doesn't thrill and even the troll doesn't look that good. There is no character development whatsoever, nobody is given time to breathe, the villain is a non-entity and Artemis himself is practically useless. What little there is of the action is sluggish, incoherently edited and the sense of danger just isn't there. To cap it all off, the ending was a completely abrupt anti-climax.

In summary, very poor. 2/10

Watching Artemis Fowl is like listening to someone read a complicated instruction manual at a very quick pace, without pausing to allow for questions or reflection. I get that they had to cram a lot of story into one 90-minute movie, but it just doesn't make any sense. Artemis is unlikeable, Mulch Diggums is annoying, I felt embarrassed for Dame Judi Dench, and the rest of the cast is forgettable. If you're interested in this story, skip the movie and read the books.

Never read the books so im not judging as an adaptation, but that was pretty bad. Lazy use of a narrator, tons of bad expodumping, and pretty boring characters. No emotional moments because I just genuinely didnt care about the characters. left a bad taste in my mouth /:

Before I watch this movie I had heard people say it was pretty bad but I knew it was based on a book so I thought people may have hated it because it didn't live up to it. This isn't the case it is just a bad movie.

It is so boring and like aimless. To top that off it is also really nonsensical and confusing. I don't feel like I watched the movie because I couldn't tell you anything about it, it's just like a blur.

The acting was pretty bad and I don't know why but when I was watching it I just got this like early 2000s vibe from it and I don't know why. Like I think this would have done better if it was made then. It just had that type of feel.

The writing was also pretty bad too. It is never good when a movie doesn't make you want to read the book it's based on.

So skip it it's pretty bad