Quotes

Mr. Deeds

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Crazy Eyes: I watch the stock market channel all the time - I just watch because I suspect that anchor man of being an evil leprechaun... he can bullshit everybody else, but he ain't fooling me.

Babe: [reading a poem Deeds wrote for her] "Hard to breathe / Feels like floating / So full of love my heart's exploding. / Mouth is dry / Hands are shaking / My heart is yours for the taking. / Acting weird / Not myself / Dancing around like the Keebler elf. / Finally time / for this poor schlubb / To know how it feels to fall in lub."
Longfellow Deeds: I couldn't find any other words that rhyme with "schlub..."
[Babe pulls Deeds towards her and the two kiss for one long moment]
Babe: Oh, Deeds... oh, I am so sorry...
[breaks into tears and runs away]
Longfellow Deeds: No, don't be... I mean, that was my first kiss too...

Longfellow Deeds: So how is the elevator business treating you, Reuben?
Reuben: Oh, it has its ups and downs.
[They both start laughing]

Longfellow Deeds: Whoa, you kinda snuck up on me there...
Emilio: I am very very sneaky, sir.

[Deeds comes to rescue a girl fallen into a frozen pond, but stops when he sees it's Babe]
Longfellow Deeds: Where do you got the camera hidden? In the woods?
Babe: [shivering] No camera! I'm s-s-so cold! Please!
Longfellow Deeds: You're gonna get mugged in there, too?
Babe: I'm s-s-s-so s-s-s-sorry! I really l-l-love you!
Longfellow Deeds: Bu-bu-bu-bu-bullshit!

Longfellow Deeds: What are you in for?
Crazy Eyes: Eeh, I'm doin' an overnighter for bitin' the mailman.
[waves his hand]
Crazy Eyes: He was tryin' to cast some spell on me like a wizard or somethin'.
Longfellow Deeds: You sure about that?
Crazy Eyes: On second thought maybe he was just wavin'.
[waves hand then sees Chuck and Cecil]
Crazy Eyes: Who're your friends?
Longfellow Deeds: This is Chuck and Cecil, they're visiting from New York.
Crazy Eyes: I don't like 'em.
Longfellow Deeds: Ok then.

Emilio: I fear you are underestimating the sneakiness, sir.

Emilio: How can I thank you?
Longfellow Deeds: All I want is your friendship, Emilio. You're a good man.
Emilio: Deeds! How about a billion dollars?
Longfellow Deeds: Alright.
Emilio: Done.

Longfellow Deeds: Crazy Eyes.
Crazy Eyes: Hey, Deeds.
Longfellow Deeds: How you doin', pal? I got your pizza for you, just the way you like it.
Crazy Eyes: Oh, yes. French Fries and Oreos, you know me all too well, Deeds.

John McEnroe: I saw what you did to those guys who were making fun of you. Nice work.
Longfellow Deeds: You know what it's like to get riled up, don't you Johnny Mac?
John McEnroe: That I do.

Crazy Eyes: I thought we were watching Scooby Doo.

[Longfellow Deeds is showing Emilio his frostbitten foot]
Emilio: The hideousness of that foot will haunt my dreams forever.
Longfellow Deeds: Oh, yeah. I've heard that before

Babe: You must be Jan. My name is...
Jan: I know who you are. Wham-Bam Dawson, a.k.a. Little Miss Slut-slut.
Babe: Okay, I deserved that...
Jan: Do you have any idea how much you hurt him? You're not getting anywhere near that boy.
Babe: I have to find him, and there's nothing you can do to stop me.
Jan: [rolls up her sleeves] There's a lot I can do to stop you.
Babe: He needs to know how bad I feel, and I would go to the end of the earth, I would do anything, *anything*, to take back what I did to him.
Jan: ...I'm sorry? All I heard was, "blah blah blah, I'm a dirty tramp."

Emilio: You're fired. You're fired. You're fired. You, sir, you are definitely fired.
Cecil Anderson: I'd like to stay. I think I can do some good around here.
[Emilio looks at Deeds, who nods in approval]
Emilio: Okay, not fired. But tomorrow morning, you will let me change your socks.
Cecil Anderson: [Weirded out] Okay.

Babe, aka "Pam Dawson": Oh, you have got to be shittin' me.
Longfellow Deeds: Whoa... that's the first time I've heard you curse.
Babe: I'm that excited.

Longfellow Deeds: You, sir. What did you want to be when you grew up?
Shareholder: I wanted to be veterinarian.
Longfellow Deeds: Cool. Why did you want to do that?
Shareholder: I wanted to help sick animals.
Longfellow Deeds: And what do you do now?
Shareholder: I own a chain of slaughterhouses.
Longfellow Deeds: Kind of went the other way on that one.
Longfellow Deeds: Anyone else?
Shareholder: I wanted to be a magician!
Longfellow Deeds: What do you do now?
Shareholder: I operate a pornographic website.
Longfellow Deeds: I guess that makes people happy too, in a much grosser way.

Murph: Hey look, Deeds is hanging out with John McEnroe.
Crazy Eyes: I love The Beach Boys.

[first lines]
Preston Blake: I'm gonna get to the top of Everest, if it's the last thing I do!
[cut to his frozen but triumphant body clinging to the summit of Mount Everest]

Rev. Al Sharpton: Now Brother Preston is soaring with eagles high above, because he lived a life of love. Yes he's flying way up high, because he was a supercool guy. He's gone away, too soon it seems, leaving behind his unfinished dreams.
Longfellow Deeds: This guy could live a life writing greeting cards.
Rev. Al Sharpton: Yes we remember Preston Blake, a man with faith no man could shake. A strength no man could break. A character no man could fake. For goodness sake, let's eat some cake.
Funeral attendants: Amen

[Babe Bennett is fighting against Jan, and Babe just kicked her in the crotch several times]
Jan: Where were you kicking? I ain't got no balls, dummy.

Emilio: Usually, when you are black out drunk you don't dream... or so I read.

Chuck Cedar: We're looking for somebody. Longfellow Deeds.
Murph: Wow! Is that's Deeds's first name?
Cecil Anderson: Well, if the Deeds you're referring to is Longfellow Deeds, then yes, that is Deeds's first name.
Murph: Well, I don't know Deeds's first name, maybe it's Greg.
Cecil Anderson: Maybe it's Longfellow.
Murph: Maybe. But I don't know. I know another guy named Greg. You want me to call him up?
Chuck Cedar: No! Thank you. Please. Just tell us where Deeds lives.

Babe: At the lake, when you saved my life... which I never thanked you for...
Longfellow Deeds: You're welcome.
Babe: ...you said that you didn't know who I was, and it made me realize... I don't know who I am. So I started working on it, and here's what I've got so far: My name is Babe Bennett. I grew up in Sayasset, Long Island. I have brown eyes and I don't know what my natural hair colour is anymore. When I was in fifth grade, I got a crush on Walter Kronkite, and... and I really did have that Holly Hobby notebook I was telling you about. I love Bruce Springsteen, Allman Roka and Abbott and Costello movies. I don't like liquorice, or my ankles. Most importantly, I know that I messed up real bad, and I'd be willing to spend the rest of my life begging you to give me another chance, because I am so deeply in love with you, and I know that it's definitely that forever kind of love that...
Longfellow Deeds: You're crazy.
[Babe trails off into silence]
Longfellow Deeds: You have beautiful ankles.

[In burning building]
Cat Lady: I'm not leaving without my kitties!
Longfellow Deeds: How many do you got?
Cat Lady: Seven.
Longfellow Deeds: Holy shit. Let's get cracking.
[he starts to search, but turns back]
Longfellow Deeds: I apologize for the language.
Cat Lady: Apology accepted.

Nazo, the Italian Delivery Man: Holy Shit, it's a cat!

Babe: Awww, he's choking. We should leave.

Mac McGrath: Are you gonna see him again tonight?
Babe, aka "Pam Dawson": Yes. I'm calling him around 4. It's when I get off work. Remember, I am Pam Dawson, virgin school nurse from Winchestertonfieldville, Iowa.
Mac McGrath: Ha ha, that's priceless... YOU a VIRGIN! Ha ha ha!

Mac McGrath: Well, it was quite a night for Longfellow Deeds.
Longfellow Deeds: Oh, no. They're gonna know my name is Longfellow.

Jan: Tell you what: you get by me, I'll tell you where he is.
[cricks her neck]
Jan: Whoo! Feeling crazy!
Babe: [takes off her coat] Okay...
Jan: Come to mama!
[Babe charges, and Jan clotheslines her]
Babe: Ow...
Jan: I was a rodeo clown for six years. You're gonna have to step it up a notch, shorty.

[last lines]
Crazy Eyes: [breaking the fourth wall, driving a red Corvette] Damn, these things are fast!
[to prove it, he punches the accelerator and collides with a tree]
Crazy Eyes: I'm all right!

[Deeds' poem is printed on greeting cards all over the state]
Babe: "Hard to breathe / Feels like floating..."
Reuben: "So full of love my heart's exploding..."
Emilio: [stroking a beautiful woman] "Mouth is dry / Hands are shaking..."
Cecil Anderson: [seated next to Kitty on a bench] "My heart is yours for the taking..."
Nazo, the Italian Delivery Man: [stroking a cat] "Acting weird / Not myself..."
Jan: "Dancing around like the Keebler elf..."
Longfellow Deeds: "Finally time / for this poor schlubb / To know how it feels to fall in lub."

Longfellow Deeds: [to Emilio] Don't be nervous, go ahead. Didn't feel it. Isn't that awesome. Oh, yeah, enjoy the force. I know you're starting to like it aren't ya? You sick! You sick! Why would you do that to me? I'm just kidding you, pal.

[Anderson raises his hand after Chuck Cedar asks if anyone knows a doctor that just faxed them]
Chuck Cedar: Congratulations, you have a spastic colon.
Cecil Anderson: That would explain a lot.

Longfellow Deeds: Ma'am, you were just the victim of a New York City mugger. As I suspected, he was a coward and a weakling, and also wore more cologne than any man should wear.

Chuck Cedar: Cute, bigmouth.
Emilio: Sir?
Chuck Cedar: As soon as that moron goes back to Cowpie Falls, you are out of here on your fat, Puerto Rican ass.
[leaves]
Emilio: I hail from Spain, sir.
[gives the middle finger to Cedar's retreating back]
Emilio: Ole.

Chuck Cedar: He's gonna get 100 grand for that picture, it'll be all over the news in an hour.
Longfellow Deeds: Well, he deserves it with those James Bond moves he just pulled.
Chuck Cedar: No, he deserves to get his throat cut. Filthy spy!

Longfellow Deeds: I bet if we ran into the sixth grade version of ourselves, they'd give us wet willies and put bubble gum in our hair for even thinking about doing this.
Shareholder: He's right! I would've beaten my greedy ass red!
Shareholder: I would've thrown myself off the merry-go-round.
Shareholder: I would've duct tape myself naked to a chair and burnt myself with lit cigarettes.
Longfellow Deeds: Did anyone dream of becoming a psychiatrist? Just kidding.

Crazy Eyes: I wasn't talking to you, Deeds. I was talking to that squirrel over there.
[points at a goat]

Preston Blake: [writing in his diary] "I am a volcano of lust. My soul has been filled with images of this woman for ages. For years I have followed my mind in my business. Tonight I shall follow my heart..."
[as Preston writes this entry one night, he notices an attractive maid, the object of his desires, working in his office]
Consuela Lopez: Want me to wipe the leaves on your ficus tree, Mr. Blake?
Preston Blake: Please, call me Preston.
Consuela Lopez: Want me to wipe the leaves on your ficus tree... Preston?
Preston Blake: Yes... yes, Yes, YES!
[as the screen fades out, he grabs her...]

Babe: And this is my brother Denny's room,
[opens a closet door]
Babe, aka "Pam Dawson": they didn't like my brother very much.

Emilio: Here are some aspirins, Mr. Deeds. They make your head seem smaller.

Jan: Deeds isn't in right now, he's making deliveries 'cause our regular delivery guy called in sick. But you don't look very sick, Murph.
Murph: Oh, I forgot I was fakin' sick today.
[starts walking away]
Murph: You guys played me like a fiddle. Touche!

Murph: Look at Deedsy haning out with McEnroe! That's awesome!
Crazy Eyes: I love the Beach Boys.