- Skip Skipperton: You've fallen in love with one of your patients? - Doc! It's not me is it?
- Dr. Mumford: What! No, Skip. It's not you, but I like you a lot.
- Skip Skipperton: Are you telling me that your last job before becoming a psychologist was an investigator for the IRS?
- Dr. Mumford: Everybody has a story, Skip.
- Skip Skipperton: Seems like you got the variety pack.
- Dr. Mumford: Sofie, lie down. Most people do.
- Sofie Crisp: I'd better not. I'll fall right to sleep. I think it's a bit too soon for me to be sleeping with you.
- Mrs. Crisp: What kind of doctor are you?
- Dr. Mumford: Ph.D. in psychology.
- Mrs. Crisp: Oh. Not a real doctor.
- Dr. Mumford: That's right, the fake kind.
- Lily: I've had it with men. They are so fascinated by their own crap. It took me four years to get the last one out. These days my idea of a hot date is a long shower by myself before bed.
- Dr. Mumford: In a free society you are what you say you are. If you screwed up on life, sometimes you can get another shot.
- Althea Brockett: You know what this feels like? - When I was in high school the thing I wanted most when I was stuck in class, the thing that I was desperately in pursuit of, was a hall pass. That's all I ever wanted. I loved moving freely around the school while everybody else was trapped in there. That's how I feel right now. Like I have some giant - all day - hall pass.
- Skip Skipperton: Do you know how I spend my every single solitary moment?
- Dr. Mumford: Jerking off?
- Skip Skipperton: No, that's a good guess though!
- Dr. Ernest Delbanco: ...no one can escape the fear of death. It is, as William James put it, 'the worm at the core,' and try as we may to forget or ignore our own mortality, the skull will grin in at the banquet.
- Nessa Watkins: [Referring to stylish photo models in some magazines she's browsing through] I want to live in the world that these people are in. No one ever says anything in there, have you noticed? They're all very cool. Like, they're all really deep. It's when people start talking that everything goes to shit.
- Nessa Watkins: There's this kid at school, Martin Brockett. He has this gigantic idea of himself, that no one else shares. You wouldn't believe the crap he lays on me. Who appointed him my spiritual leader? If he has everything so "figured out", how come his best friend is a .22 rifle?
- Skip Skipperton: So, do you know what I've been doing, all alone in my workshop, for almost two years? How I spend my every solitary hour? What I've been working on, what the world really needs and no one has been able to create: a virtually life-like humanoid, gender-specific, anatomically functional, sexual surrogate-slash-companion.
- Dr. Mumford: [Looking confused] "Slash-what"?
- Skip Skipperton: Sexual surrogate-slash-companion.
- Dr. Mumford: [still confused] A doll?
- Skip Skipperton: No, doc. Not a doll! I am Panda Modems. I'm talking about much, much more than a doll. The world has never seen what I'm talking about - except maybe in the movies.
- Jeremy Brockett: Are you a man who likes to treat himself right?
- Dr. Mumford: I've had my moments.
- Jeremy Brockett: Well, I am. And I'm not ashamed of it. Nobody ever said on their deathbed, "I treated myself too well."
- Dr. Mumford: I thought it was, "Nobody ever said I should have spent more time at the office."
- Jeremy Brockett: Fill in the blanks. I don't mind the office. The point is you only go around once. So, like the Zen say, "Be here now."
- Dr. Mumford: I had no friends and I didn't talk to my family. The only constant stabilizing force in my life was drugs.
- Skip Skipperton: An IRS investigator with a drug problem!
- Dr. Mumford: Skip, you know that it is improper, completely unethical, for a licensed psychologist to carry on a romantic relationship with one of his patients.
- Skip Skipperton: I guess it makes sense.
- Dr. Mumford: Yes. Yes, it does.
- Skip Skipperton: [to Mumford] Oh, she doesn't know about it yet. Right now, out of the two of us, I'm the only one in love. But I'm really stoked!
- Dr. Mumford: I noticed Something. For some reason, probably because I was too stoned to talk, everywhere I went people would talk to me. Tell me everything. Their problems, their inner most thoughts. Sometimes they needed advice, but most of the people just wanted someone to listen.
- Dr. Mumford: Gregory was insane.
- Dr. Mumford: Of course being insane didn't make it all right that I fell in love with his wife Candy.
- Jeremy Brockett: What do you think... I mean about Althea, about her behavior? Think you can fix her up?
- Dr. Mumford: What do you think's wrong with her?
- Jeremy Brockett: She's gone *weird* is what's wrong with her. She's out of control. Probably from living out here in "Mayberry, RFD". But you're the doctor. What do you think?
- Dr. Mumford: She seems very unhappy.
- Jeremy Brockett: [Sarcastically] I think we all knew that, "professor". But the question - the real "quest-e-oni" - is why?
- Skip Skipperton: Somebody's taking a shower down there.
- Dr. Mumford: That'd be Lily.
- Skip Skipperton: I wish I could live in the shower. I'd take five a day if I had time. I went to this spa in Germany, a sanitarium practically, up on this mountain. The great thing: they just kept you wet, all day.
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