- Eddie: Get out! This is a car jack!
- Greg Brady: [rolls down the window] Well, of course this is a car. But my name's not Jack. It's Greg.
- Jason: Marcia, I may be able to use you as a model, but first you'll have to do a little work on yourself.
- Marcia Brady: You mean like walking with a book on my head?
- Jason: No, I mean like cutting that mousy hair, capping those teeth, and losing about 30 pounds, my little sausage. How do you feel about breast implants?
- Marcia Brady: [slaps him] Cut my hair?
- Marcia Brady: [suggesting a way to raise money] I've got it! We could enter that Search For The Stars contest! First prize is twenty thousand dollars!
- Greg Brady: That's a great idea, Marcia!
- Bobby Brady: Great idea, Marcia!
- Jan Brady: Am I invisible? Do I not have a voice? I had that idea two days ago!
- Peter Brady: [disgusted] Oh come on, Jan.
- Marcia Brady: [in Jan's thought] But Jan, you don't have friends. You're just jealous Jan.
- [Jan wakes up, holds a pair of scissors like a knife, and starts to cut Marcia's hair]
- Cindy Brady: Jan, what are you doing?
- Jan Brady: Go back to sleep Cindy!
- Cindy Brady: Jan don't. Marcia's hair is so beautiful.
- Jan Brady: Exactly. That's why I'm gonna make alot of money when I sell it.
- [Jan continues to cut Marcia's hair]
- Jan Brady: [laughs psychotically]
- Cindy Brady: [Screams]
- [Carol and Alice come into the room]
- Carol Brady: Jan, what are you doing?
- [Marcia's got a new hairdo]
- Carol Brady: Oh Marcia, I love your hair!
- Alice: What a groovy hairdo!
- Cindy Brady: Oh, you're so beautiful!
- Jan Brady: No! She was supposed to look bad! No! No!
- [Jan wakes up]
- Jan Brady: What a horrible dream.
- Mike Brady: Jan, a real friend likes you for who you are, not what's on your face. If you judge your friends for passing judgment on you, you're not only judging yourself you're judging your friends for judging you. And that would be using bad judgment.
- Marcia Brady: [shows Doug her swollen nose] I suppose you don't want to go out with me now, huh?
- Doug: Oh, of course I do. It's not your nose I'm after.
- Cindy Brady: [her demonic inner voices] Cindy. Oh Cindy. Why does Jan get all the attention? Yeah. It's always Jan, Jan, Jan.
- Carol Brady: Marcia it looks like rain, you better take your shawl. How about you Doug? Do you have any protection?
- Doug: Oh, yes ma'am. Assorted colors and textures!
- Carol Brady: Good for you!
- Mike Brady: Have fun, kids.
- [Doug kisses Marcia]
- Marcia Brady: Doug! I think I just felt your tongue in my mouth.
- Doug: It's called a french kiss.
- Marcia Brady: [Slaps him] But I thought you were from Nebraska!
- Trucker: Sounds like some family misses someone they love very much.
- Jan Brady: I don't have a family!
- Trucker: Oh, no family. You know, sometimes I'm out here working the graveyard shift, and, I can't help thinking what might have been. If I had settled down early and had kids. Three boys, three girls. Ah, but then a little voice in my head says "are you kidding? They'd probably just treat you like a maid."
- [Offering a cup to her]
- Trucker: You want some of this, Jan?
- Jan Brady: No thanks. You have a little voice in your head, too?
- Trucker: Oh, honey, when you're on the road as long as I am, you've gotta talk to somebody.
- Cindy Brady: [lisps] Mom asked me to ask you if there's any mail for us here by mistake.
- Mr. Dittmeyer: I don't understand you. What do you want?
- Cindy Brady: Mom asked me to ask you if there's any mail for us here by mistake.
- Mr. Dittmeyer: What?
- Cindy Brady: Mom asked me to ask you if there's any mail for us here by mistake.
- Mr. Dittmeyer: Nope, not a clue.
- Mrs. Dena Dittmeyer: She wants the Brady's' mail, Larry!
- Mr. Dittmeyer: Thank you, darling! So kind of you to climb out from under your hangover.
- Marcia Brady: Oh those are pretty pictures, what have you modeled for?
- Model: Guess.
- Marcia Brady: Are you a Breck girl?
- Model: No, Guess Jeans.
- Marcia Brady: Levi's? Wrangler? Osh Kosh B'Gosh?
- Mike Brady: Cindy, you know by tattling on your friends, you're really just tattling on yourself. By tattling on your friends, you're just telling them that you're a tattletale. Now is that the tale you want to tell?
- Mr Dittmeyer: Why don't you hop back on the Swiss Miss package where you belong huh?
- Cindy Brady: Okay!
- Charlie: [Marcia kisses Charlie] Marcia, Marcia, I think I just felt your tongue in my mouth.
- Marcia Brady: It's called a French kiss, Charlie.
- Charlie: Um, Marcia, I gotta go. Uh something suddenly came up.
- [He walks away from Marcia]
- Sam: Wait a minute, I've got something for you.
- Alice: [rolls her eyes] Unless it fits on my fingers, I gotta hit the hay.
- Sam: It better fit, or I'm gonna have to take it back.
- Alice: [gets excited, closes her eyes and sticks out her hand] Sam, I thought this day would never come!
- Sam: [Gives Alice a bowling ball] When I saw it, I thought it was right up your alley.
- Alice: I'm bowled over.
- Mike Brady: Our house is more important than money. This neighborhood is more important than money. Tell me. How many times have we borrowed each other's power tools or patched up each other's kids? We know so much about each other. I know that every January, Mr. Yeager is going to have that big Super Bowl party at his house. We know that every spring, Mrs. Simmons is going to have the prettiest daffodils on the block. We know that at 10:15 every Saturday morning, Mrs. Topping likes to walk through her living room naked. Call me old-fashioned, but these things are important, and they're not for sale. This is our neighborhood, and we're staying.
- Eric Dittmeyer: [about Marcia] I live next door to her, and she's harder to get into than a Pearl Jam concert.
- Jan Brady: [suggesting a way to raise money] I saw a sign at school today for a Search For The Stars contest. First prize is exactly twenty thousand dollars.
- Marcia Brady: Oh sure Jan, like we'd really win.
- Holly: I think you're really neato.
- [kisses Peter]
- Peter Brady: [Peter's voice has suddenly dropped an octave] Why uh, thank you Holly. I think you're Ginger and Mary Ann combined.
- Bobby Brady: Excuse me, officers, but I hate to ask a law enforcement official to bend the rules, especially for Penal Code 117, Section 33b, but our house is at stake.
- Grandma: Hi, everybody. Wait a minute. Look how pretty you've gotten! Oh, those clothes! What taste! And that smile! Oh, Marcia, you are such a beauty!
- Mr. Phillips: How should I put this delicately, Mike? Your designs are from another time.
- Mike Brady: That's kind of you to say, Mr. Phillips. I've always thought of my style as classic as well.
- Greg Brady: And that's why I called this meeting.
- Marcia Brady: Greg, what are we going to do?
- Peter Brady: Yeah, if we don't raise $20,000 in one week, we'll have to move.
- Bobby Brady: And go to a new school.
- Jan Brady: And make new friends.
- Marcia Brady: But Jan, you don't have any friends.
- Marcia Brady: Charlie asked me to the dance, and I said yes. Then Doug asked me to the dance, and I said yes to him too. What am I going to do?
- Greg Brady: Well, you just tell the guy you don't wanna go with, something suddenly came up.
- Marcia Brady: And that works?
- Greg Brady: Sure. Girls say it to me all the time.
- [Mrs. Dittmeyer tucks mail into Greg's pants]
- Mrs. Dena Dittmeyer: My, you've gotten so big. You're almost as big as your daddy.
- Greg Brady: And I'm still growing.
- Mrs. Dena Dittmeyer: Right before my very eyes.
- Doug: Marcia, got a minute?
- Marcia Brady: Forget it Doug. Even with a swollen nose, I can still smell a rat.
- Carol Brady: Why don't you help Alice bake some cookies?
- Cindy Brady: Okay Mommy
- [talking to Alice]
- Cindy Brady: Can my doll help too?
- Alice: As long as it's not Betsy Wetsy. She makes my cookies soggy woggy.
- [Noreen is in bed with Marcia]
- Marcia Brady: Noreen, is that you?
- Noreen: Oh, sorry, I thought that was my leg.
- [Talking about the Brady's odd ways]
- Mr. Steve Yeager: One time I was over there. One bathroom for nine people? And I never did see a toilet.
- Woman next to Steve: Get out!
- Mr. Dittmeyer: Steve!
- Jan Brady: It's my like my head tells me different things and I get very confused.
- Mrs. Cummings: Inner voices? Good, that's good. Let's explore that.
- Jan Brady: [Jan's inner voices quarrel with each other] What does she mean inner voices? I don't think that's any of her business. But it's her job to ask questions. You are so dumb!
- [out loud]
- Jan Brady: I don't have inner voices.
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