- N'Dugo: Bad guy falls in poop: Classic element of physical comedy. Now comes the part where we throw our heads back and laugh. Ready?
- Guides: Ready!
- [they all throw their heads back and laugh]
- Beatrice Stanhope: Arthur, I wish you would do something about all these monkeys. I feel like Jane Goodall.
- Ape: Madam, I knew Jane Goodall and you are no Jane Goodall.
- Max: Let's take care of him.
- George: Huh?
- [Max and Thor pick George up and ram head into cage]
- Ape: Why didn't you come sooner?
- George: Why Ape have little stars around head?
- [Max and Thor pull George out, tickles him, and rams head back in]
- Ape: George, remember everything I told you about Queensbury rules and fighting fair?
- George: Uh-huh.
- Ape: Well, now's a good time to forget it.
- Narrator: [after George is shot] Whew! Okay, kids, let's settle down and review the important information. Lyle is a big doofus. Poor George was really shot, but can't die because let's face it, he's the hero.
- Ursula Stanhope: And you can watch TV, and eat, and relax, and I'll be back as soon as I can. Just stay here.
- Narrator: Stay here? George is king of the jungle. No four walls built by modern man can contain him
- George: Not true. George have every intention of doing exactly what Ursula say.
- Narrator: Really? Is that so?
- George: For a while.
- [grins]
- George: Dog eat dog? Dog eat dog here?
- Ursula Stanhope: No, that's not what I meant.
- George: George never bringing Shep here. Uh uh. Never.
- Ursula Stanhope: [on George] Did you just say "love"?
- Beatrice Stanhope: [alarmed] No...
- Ursula Stanhope: You did. You're right...
- Beatrice Stanhope: Ursula... Don't say it...
- Ursula Stanhope: I love him! I'm out of here.
- Beatrice Stanhope: Ursula! You can't love him! Arthur, say something!
- Arthur Stanhope: Be careful out there, honey.
- Beatrice Stanhope: [shouts] What?
- Ursula Stanhope: Goodbye, Daddy.
- [kisses him, then runs out of the room]
- Beatrice Stanhope: Ursula, come back! Arthur, do something!
- Arthur Stanhope: What would you have me do? There's obviously no stopping her.
- Beatrice Stanhope: Oh, God!
- [she downs the rest of her drink, then goes running after Ursula]
- Beatrice Stanhope: [shouts] Ursula!
- Arthur Stanhope: [under his breath] God, that woman's a pain in the a - .
- Ape: I'm hungry!
- Thor: Oh, shut up. You've been yakkin' for two days straight, and I'm gettin' mad enough to...
- Ape: You know, you really should work on your anger. Have you tried Brankowski's "Cage the Rage" technique?
- Max: Don't let him get to you, Thor. He's just an ape.
- Ape: That's a fine way to talk to your meal ticket. You keep that up, it's liable to affect my stage performance.
- Max: Give him a banana, Thor. It won't be long now.
- Thor: That's what you said yesterday! This trail is taking us to the middle of nowhere!
- Max: The sign at the trail head said "Short cut to Ape River." Now, why would it say "short cut" if it wasn't a...
- Max: [pause] Wait a minute. Maybe it's a fake, a decoy trail.
- Ape: Very good, Max. Actually, the trail is a fake. It circles Ape Mountain six times before heading right back to the tree house.
- Thor: [groaning in frustration] Ohh! Oh, I knew we was lost.
- Max: Don't listen to him, Thor. He's just tryin' to trick us, lead us off the short cut so we take twice as long on the regular trail.
- Thor: We're already taking twice as long!
- Max: Are you gonna let a monkey make a monkey out of ya?
- Thor: What?
- Ape: Duh!
- Max: Let's go. If he tells us the short cut leads to the tree house, then that's exactly where it doesn't lead.
- Narrator: Well, Ursula's fiancè is in prison, and there's a jungle man sleeping on her balcony. She could use a best friend right now.
- Betsy: Hi.
- Ursula Stanhope: Hi.
- Betsy: I got here as fast as I could. Where is he?
- Ursula Stanhope: Oh, he's in the waterf... he's in the shower.
- Betsy: Not anymore.
- Ursula Stanhope: Oh! George.
- [sees him naked]
- George: Bad waterfall. First water get hot, then George slip on this strange yellow rock.
- [sees Betsy]
- George: Oh. Hi, George of Jungle.
- Betsy: Charmed, I'm sure.
- Ursula Stanhope: George, hold this big book.
- [he holds book covering his front part]
- Ursula Stanhope: Cover the booty.
- [puts bowl on behind]
- Ursula Stanhope: Let's get you some clothes. Sorry, Betsy.
- George: Bye.
- Betsy: No problem.
- [to herself]
- Betsy: Now I can see why they made him king of the jungle.
- Narrator: The ape named ape was caged in a cage, hoping to hear the jungle king's awesome...
- [jungle call]
- Narrator: Hey, I'm pretty good at that. And wondering if he would ever come. But the motion-sick mammal needn't have moaned, for that defender of the innocent, protector of the weak, and all around good guy George of the Jungle was closer than he knew.
- [noises come from crate and it opens with George in it]
- George: Next time George get bigger box.
- Ursula's mother: When Lyle returns, this wedding will proceed as planned. If you do ANYTHING to upset that, I'll remove your reason for wearing a loincloth.
- [Ursula screams at the sight of Ape]
- George: No, no! It's all right! Ape friend! Ape make your breakfast!
- Ursula Stanhope: [panicky] What does it want? What does it want?
- Ape: "It" wants "its" Physician's Desk Reference, if you don't mind. Unless you'd rather die of dengue fever, of course.
- Ursula Stanhope: [laughing hysterically] That is very funny!
- Ape: [sarcastic] Ha, ha, ha...
- Ursula Stanhope: I thought I heard the monkey talk!
- Narrator: The young Miss Stanhope proceed to spill the beans.
- Ursula Stanhope: So, anyway, I went to the jungle.
- Narrator: Very quickly.
- Ursula Stanhope: [her dialogue speeds up] You know, I wanted to get away before I got married, and then Lyle shows up. And nobody got along with Lyle; he was a big pain in the ass. And, anyway, so, he went off to the jungle by himself, and I'm sure I had to follow him. And a jungle man comes swinging in on a vine. Just swinging through, and he - the way he hit something. I don't know what happened, and the next thing I know is, Ii wake up...
- Narrator: Until she got to the important part at the end.
- Ursula Stanhope: [her speech goes back to normal] ... and the Lyle shot him. So Lyle's in jail and George is with me... and I don't want to marry Lyle anymore.
- George: That close one, huh?
- [grins]
- Ursula Stanhope: Watch out for that tree!
- [George looks up and Ursula's head hits branch, knocking her out]
- George: Oops.
- [reaching the end of a long trail]
- Thor: Max, look! We're back at the tree house!
- Ape: Well, I tried, but you fellas are just too smart for me.
- Max: Oh, no!
- Narrator: "Oh, no" was right! Because even at that moment...
- Thor: [looking up] Hey! Why don't you say something constructive for a change, like what we should do now?
- Narrator: Because I don't like you.
- Thor: Well, I hate you, you snotty son of a...
- Narrator: I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
- [there is a thunderous bang, and both Thor and Max stagger, as though hit]
- Narrator: Having some fun now, huh?
- [first lines]
- Narrator: Deep in the heart of Africa is a place no man has ever entered. The place that belongs to the lion, the elephant and the ape. A place known as the Bukuvu. Travellers flying overhead can only glimpse at its many marvels, its sparkling rivers, its lush veldts, its billowy cloud formations and its hidden mountains. Never fear, my friends. All was not lost. Scraped and boo-booed, they searched high and low, but they never recovered their most precious cargo.
- [Translating with a Swahili phrasebook]
- Lyle: Pardon me, girls. I know you're feeling pretty hey sailor up here about now. But if you would just let me order a bowl of fried clams we can all have smallpox tomorrow morning.
- Ursula Stanhope: So I'll tell my dad first thing in the morning.
- Betsy: Make that second thing. First thing, I suggest you buy jungle man some clothes.
- [George is wearing a dress]
- George: Nice butt flap.
- George: So you no want Ursula to love George?
- Beatrice Stanhope: I'd rather have my tongue nailed to this table every morning at breakfast.
- George: That hurt.
- Beatrice Stanhope: Not as much as you will if you do anything to screw up my daughter's marriage to Lyle van de Groot.
- George: [on Ursula's apartment balcony] This very high treehouse.
- Ursula Stanhope: Mmm-hmm.
- George: Good place to call friends from, sound carry.
- Ursula Stanhope: Oh, no...
- [George lets out jungle call]
- Ursula Stanhope: ...the neighbors.
- Ape: [after George has swung into a tree, knocking himself out] Ladies and Gentlemen; I give you the 'King of the Jungle'.
- People of San Francisco: Watch out for that...!
- [George swings and bangs into the boat]
- Lyle: White ape. Sounds like a drink
- [mockingly]
- Lyle: Yes, bartender, I'll have two black russians and a white ape.
- Narrator: A drink the venal Van de Groot would be begging to imbibe, if he only knew how close the white ape was at that very moment. Flying through the foliage, surveying the scenery, and swinging on through the trees with effortless ease.
- George: [hits tree] Ow!
- Narrator: But his rapturous rendezvous with the urban heiress was to be short-lived, Kwame and his men were drawing dangerously close! That is, dangerously close to shoving a coconut up Lyle's... sleeping bag.
- [as Thor aims his rifle at Shep, Ape roars and jumps out of the treehouse, landing the ground]
- Ape: Run, Shep! Run for your life!
- Max: Did that monkey just speak?
- Thor: That monkey just spoke!
- Ursula Stanhope: I *knew* it!
- Lyle Van de Groot: He *talked*!
- Max: [to Thor] Shoot it now.
- Ape: [turns and notices Max and Thor] Hmm?
- Max: [lowers Thor's rifle] With the tranquilizer gun, you idiot! The ape's worth a fortune!
- George: *No*!
- [runs towards Ape]
- Lyle Van de Groot: [aims his handgun at George] Stop or I'll shoot!
- [shoots George in slow motion]
- Ape: No!
- Lyle Van de Groot: No!
- Ursula Stanhope: George!
- [fade to white]
- Narrator: Whoo! OK, kids, let's settle down and review the important information. Lyle is a big doofus. Poor George was really shot, but can't die because, let's face it, he's the hero.
- [after returning from Africa, Ursula phones her mother from a limousine]
- Ursula's mother: You're sure you did not catch dengue fever?
- Ursula Stanhope: No mother, I did not catch dengue fever.
- Ursula's mother: Well, how's your temperature?
- Ursula Stanhope: [puts a hand to her forehead] Normal.
- Ursula's mother: Color of your tongue?
- Ursula Stanhope: [checks it in the mirror] Pink.
- Ursula's mother: What about your, uh, mmm-mmm?
- Ursula Stanhope: [annoyed] Regular!
- Narrator: After a night of feverish fantasies, the perfectly permed heiress, Ursula Stanhope, awoke to the melodious music of the Bukuvu bird life, and found herself venturing forth in search of that defender of the innocent, protector of the weak and all-around good guy, George of the Jungle. But that's not who she saw first.
- Narrator: Meanwhile, at a very big and expensive waterfall set, Ursula was amazed that she was lost in the wilderness with a jungle man.
- Ursula Stanhope: ...and here I am lost in the wilderness with a jungle man.
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