- Piers Morgan: Is the answer jam?
- [no one laughs]
- Angus Deayton: Not in so many words, no.
- Piers Morgan: I only said that because last week Eddie Izzard said that and you roared with laughter, as if it was hilarious. Just thought I'd say it.
- Ian Hislop: People like him.
- Ian Hislop: [in Missing Words round - "'What' kills hippo"] Jam.
- [audience laughs]
- Ian Hislop: You see, Piers?
- Piers Morgan: See, that's comedy.
- Angus Deayton: The answer is 'tennis ball'. The tragic tale of a two ton hippo who swallowed a tennis ball in Germany.
- Clive Anderson: [to Piers Morgan] Surely you must have covered that in the Daily Mirror? That's exactly the sort of, page 5 story?
- Piers Morgan: What do you know about newspaper editing, Clive?
- Clive Anderson: About as much as you do!
- Gary Lineker: Thousands of football fans are on the streets of Leicester today. Why is that, Ian?
- Ian Hislop: They're very happy.
- Gary Lineker: Why are they happy, Ian?
- Ian Hislop: They've won.
- Gary Lineker: What have they won, Ian?
- Ian Hislop: They've won... the thing.
- Frank Skinner: I saw Vera Lynne once and she said "I don't think anyone else could have a career like mine because Wars these days, they don't last long enough." I remember thinking it's not a complaint you hear often.
- [after learning that a series has been tied at an equal number of games for each team]
- Stephen Fry: Well, why didn't you have an odd number of programmes, you idiot?
- Des Lynam: Do you know how the police refer to victims of crime?
- Ian Hislop: Customers?
- Des Lynam: Yes!
- Ian Hislop: What does that make criminals - clients?
- Charlotte Church: The President asked me what "State" Wales was in.
- Ian Hislop: And you said "Terrible"?
- Katharine Ryan: [Missing words round] What can cause long stretches of disappointment and depression interspersed by moments of joy?
- Ian Hislop: Is it "Being Alive"?
- Katharine Ryan: Aw! Ian!
- Julia Hartley-Brewer: I mean, no offense here, Frankie, but...
- Ian Hislop: Is that the first time anyone's ever said "No offense" to Frankie Boyle?
- Frankie Boyle: None taken!
- Ian Hislop: [Trump] This could be the next President.
- David Tennant: I sense that's hard to get out?
- Ian Hislop: I nearly said "And he'll meet with Prime Minister Johnson"
- [goes crosseyed]
- Ian Hislop: "to discuss being mad..."
- Paul Merton: Bono was up on stage saying "Every time I click my fingers, a child dies!" and someone yelled "Well, stop clicking your fingers, then!"
- [Osama bin Laden's brother has released a perfume, described as 'inner peace in a bottle']
- Des Lynam: Sod the perfume, if you want inner peace, shoot your brother!
- Angus Deayton: And did you chat with the Queen Mother?
- Paul Merton: We talked about you.
- Angus Deayton: No, you didn't.
- Paul Merton: Yes, we did.
- Angus Deayton: What did she say about me?
- Paul Merton: I've never heard such language in all my life.
- Tom Baker: I used to go out with a girl who smelled like a bonfire.
- Ian Hislop: She was a witch, was she?
- Tom Baker: She may have been a witch, but oh, she was a goer!
- Victoria Coren Mitchell: I certainly recognise it as a face!
- Andy Hamilton: That's the nicest thing a woman's ever said to me...
- David Mitchell: The term "Essex Girl" is now in the Dictionary, defined as "A girl born in Essex who is typically considered as being unintelligent, materialistic, devoid of taste and sexually promiscuous". Why would anyone have a problem with that?
- Steph McGovern: I was mistaken as a prostitute at Grimsby Fishmarket. Four in the morning, going in to film Breakfast, and this man comes up to me with four cans of Stella and a tenner, saying he wanted me to drink it and urinate on him. For Grolsch and 15 I'd have done it!
- David Tennant: She's been criticised for wearing too many clothes that have pockets, have a look!
- Lucy Prebble: Pockets in dresses are the answer to absolutely everything and I will fight for the right to have pockets!
- [rapturous applause]
- Frankie Boyle: Giles, when people hear your name they think "Jumpers" but I'm sure the people who meet you take their lives in other ways.
- Ian Hislop: I should go on Mastermind, answering questions on the life and times of Jeffery Archer. I'd get more questions right than he would!
- Angus Deayton: Revisionist historians now claim that far from being mad, Joan of Arc may have been a victim of food poisoning. Makes sense, I can't tell you the number of times I've eaten a few dodgy prawns and ended up commanding the French army.
- Angus Deayton: Yes, this is the Pokémon phenomenon that has swept the UK. One school in Berkshire has banned Pokémon after instances of bullying to obtain the rarer cards. The bullying has finally stopped however, now that Mr. Hunt the geography teacher has the complete set.
- Angus Deayton: [reading out headline during missing words round] I made Thatcher 'what' boasts Nigel.
- Paul Merton: Swallow?
- Ian Hislop: It is getting rather sad when I can't win against Paul when he's accompanied by a tub of lard and the questions are in a foreign language.
- Angus Deayton: We did everything we could, Ian, but...
- Angus Deayton: Apparently the Queen also refers to John Prescott as "Two Jags".
- Paul Merton: That's rich coming from Elizabeth "Six castles" Windsor!
- Katharine Ryan: I hate bread. Ever since I was seven. That's not food, it's a napkin.
- Ian Hislop: You know, historically it is food. All those ducks can't be wrong.
- Katharine Ryan: It's bad for the ducks too! It's Quack Cocaine!
- Stephen Fry: [to David Shayler, who appeared via satellite link] The Official Secrets Act is just a piece of paper to you, isn't it?
- Continuity Announcer: The following program features mature language and adult humour, but it's mostly directed against Politicians.
- Reginald D. Hunter: I often start talking in a Southern American accent. I was talking to this lady the other night and she found out I was a comedian and said "Oh, what do you know about Tommy Cooper", and I said "He dead". She said "Sorry, I must be terribly British and correct your grammar, I think you'll find it's "He died"". I said "At first he died, but now he dead!"
- Ian Hislop: Oh, is that the right answer? You were looking at me as though I was an idiot.
- Jo Brand: That's got nothing to do with the question.
- Paul Merton: She's a former psychiatric nurse, it's a professional appraisal!
- Michael Aspel: The Big Brother Contestant said "Are you pushing it out, nigger?"
- Paul Merton: What does "Pushing it out" mean, Ian?
- Ian Hislop: "Pushing it out"... is expressing enthusiasm... in dance form.
- Reginald D. Hunter: When the Revolution comes, I'm gonna tell them to leave you alone!
- Ian Hislop: [SAT Tests] All these kids were coming out of schools illiterate and innumerate so the Government said "We're going to introduce these tests to fix it" but then they realised no-one would pass them so it's all cancelled.
- Paul Merton: Yeah, but kids who are illiterate and innumerate, they don't count, do they?
- [groans from the audience]
- Paul Merton: You'll be using it tomorrow!
- Sanjeev Baskar: What was the name of the man who ran the first Marathon?
- Ian Hislop: Phidippides!
- Rebecca Front: An actor's life for me!
- Margaret Thatcher: [in an old interview; talking about Rolf Harris' song 'Two Little Boys'] Two brothers fighting on opposite sides, and one sees the other. "Did you think I'd leave you dying when there's room on my horse for two?"
- Ian Hislop: Maggie would have shot the wounded one in the head!
- Victoria Coren Mitchell: I went to my optician and said I'd like something a Librarian would wear in a porn film, and he said he was sorry but he had no idea what I was talking about.
- Romesh Ranganathan: He probably hadn't been in many libraries.
- Eddie Izzard: He chose well.
- Victoria Coren Mitchell: Moving on, then.
- Reginald D. Hunter: Every year some dumb little white girl on Big Brother gets made the poster child for racism in this country. It's about context, they were friends, but Channel 4 didn't have no balls and caved to public pressure. If the white girl had been wearing a Police Officer's uniform...
- Ian Hislop: Is this "Nigger" and "Poofter"?
- Paul Merton: No, they're "Michael" and "Reginald". Let's not get too informal!
- Ian Hislop: It's context, Paul, we're friends!
- Ian Hislop: They've tried to get young people involved by calling the Referendum "Votey McVoteface"?
- Jason Manford: The referendum, on the 23rd of June, that everybody's, like, really knowledgeable about! And they've left it up to us! I can't even work "Series Link". I'm worried that there's a lot of people like me who've been left with this decision to make, I mean, that's WHY we have government and that. My decision is who I want to make the decision for me.
- Jo Brand: This is the American Election as it struggles to an unedifying climax. I've had a few of those.
- Paul Merton: Oh, I'm sorry. Were any of them yours?
- Jo Brand: Ha!
- Angus Deayton: In his diary, Alan Clark complained that she had been brought down by "a bolus of wankers". Nice to know what the collective noun is.
- David Mitchell: The Campaigners say that Essex Girls are Pigeonholed. I've never heard it called that before.
- David Tennant: What's wrong with the statue of Mo Salah?
- Paul Merton: The head's too big! Or out of proportion.
- Ian Hislop: Wait till they see the Sphinx!
- Paul Merton: It's good to hear a Sphinx joke...
- [on a question about Pokémon]
- Ian Hislop: This is the probably worst and worst-drawn film and craze in history, of badly-conceived little monsters that fight each other, and children trade cards and have a fantastic knowledge of a hundred and fifty monsters. They can't remember five countries and their capital cities, but just about every child in the country can tell you that Charmeleon evolves into Charmander and then turns into Machop and then kills someone or other, it's absolute garbage.
- [flippantly]
- Ian Hislop: I've got an idea for these medieval history cards that I think are going to be a big hit in the playground.
- Angus Deayton: You're pretty angry about this, aren't you?
- Ian Hislop: I'm very, very bored. I've seen the Pokémon movie, which is probably the worst movie ever made on any subject ever.
- Paul Merton: You haven't seen "Kevin & Perry Go Large", then?
- Des Lynam: [During a discussion on short-sighted dogs receiving spectacles, or doggles] Getting their vision back could be a bit of a shock - "oh, so *that's* what I've been sniffing all this time!"
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Top Gap
By what name was Have I Got News for You (1990) officially released in India in English?
Answer