- Samantha: Donger's here for five hours, and he's got somebody. I live here my whole life, and I'm like a disease.
- [Jake rings doorbell at Samantha's house]
- Long Duk Dong: OK. I'm comin'.
- [opens closet door]
- Long Duk Dong: Hello? Jeez, this place is so confusing. OK.
- [opens front door, screams, and shuts door]
- Long Duk Dong: Go away! I call F.I.B.! I call police! Go away!
- Jake: Open the door.
- Long Duk Dong: No way, Jose!
- Jake: Open the door.
- Long Duk Dong: You beat up my face.
- Jake: You grabbed my nuts.
- Long Duk Dong: [looks through frosted glass on door] That you?
- Jake: Yeah, that me.
- Long Duk Dong: [opens door] Oh, so sorry! I thought you my new--new-style American girlfriend.
- Jake: Forget it, man. Just get Samantha, all right?
- Long Duk Dong: She not here.
- Jake: Don't jerk me around, man. Where is she?
- Long Duk Dong: She got married.
- Jake: What?
- Long Duk Dong: She at the church. She getting married to oily bohunk.
- Jake: Married?
- Long Duk Dong: Married.
- Jake: Married?
- Long Duk Dong: Yeah. Married
- [closes door]
- Jake: [turns around, under breath to himself] Married?
- Long Duk Dong: Married! Jeez!
- Grandma Helen: Oh Sam, let me look at you. Fred, she's gotten her boobies.
- Grandpa Fred: [chuckles] I better go get my magnifying glass.
- Grandma Helen: Oh, and they are so Perky.
- Grandma Helen: [reaches to cup them]
- Samantha: [cut to Sam's bedroom] I can't believe my Grandmother actually felt me up.
- [ring-ring, no one answers the phone...]
- Jake: [as he hangs up] Ahh, eat me.
- Howard: Who was it? Well what did they want?
- Dorothy Baker: [shocked] Sex.
- Ginny: I really love Rudy. He is totally enamored of me. I mean, I've had men who've loved me before, but not for six months in a row.
- [on the phone with the police]
- Howard: What was he wearing? Well, uh, let's see, he was wearing a red argyle sweater, and tan trousers, and red shoes... Hmm? No, he's not retarded.
- [Long Duk Dong is dancing with Lumberjack, his head is on her ample chest]
- Lumberjack: So... What's your name?
- Long Duk Dong: Dong.
- Lumberjack: What's your first name?
- Long Duk Dong: Long.
- Lumberjack: What's your middle name?
- Long Duk Dong: Duk.
- Brenda Baker: Can you remember to turn off the stove in 20 minutes?
- Samantha: I can remember lots of things.
- [the bride arrives at the church, obviously out of it]
- Brenda Baker: Her monthly bill came early. Well, she's fine, she just took a muscle relaxer.
- Ginny: Try *four*.
- Long Duk Dong: Very clever dinner. Appetizing food fit neatly into interesting round pie.
- Mike Baker: It's a quiche.
- Long Duk Dong: How do you spell?
- Grandpa Fred: Well you don't spell it, son, you eat it.
- [laughs]
- The Geek: Damn Mom, I've got my headgear on!
- Caroline: [annoyed] Will you wake up?
- The Geek: [opens eyes] Where the hell am I?
- Caroline: I'll, uh, tell you where you are, if you tell me who you are.
- The Geek: I'm Farmer Ted.
- Caroline: You're in the parking lot across the street from my church.
- The Geek: You own a church?
- The Geek: Relax, would you? We have seventy dollars and a pair of girls underpants. We're safe as kittens.
- Jake: I'll make a deal with you.
- [holds up the panties]
- Jake: Let me keep these; I'll let you take Caroline home. But you gotta make sure she gets home. You can't leave her in some parking lot somewhere. Okay?
- The Geek: Jake, I'm only a Freshman.
- Jake: So? She's so blitzed she won't know the difference.
- The Geek: Jake, I don't have a car.
- Jake: You can take mine.
- The Geek: Jake, I don't have license.
- Jake: I trust you...
- The Geek: Jake, I'd love to... I can't.
- [holds out a bowl]
- The Geek: Want a pretzel?
- Jake: You sure?
- [takes the bowl and sets it down on the counter]
- The Geek: Positive.
- The Geek: [Farmer Ted is in Jake's dad car. Jake just saw Caroline and him kissing] I'm dead.
- [the car phone rings and he answers it]
- The Geek: Hello?
- Cliff: [voice] Ted, you never called us back. What happened?
- The Geek: Look, wheez, I told you not to call me here.
- Cliff: [voice] Ted, we're dying, what happened?
- The Geek: You wanna know what happened? Buy the book!
- [hangs up]
- The Geek: Come on, what's the problem here? I'm a boy. You're a girl. Is there any thing wrong with me trying to put together some kind of relationship between us? Okay, look, I know you haven't been - just answer me one question.
- Samantha: Yes, you're a total fag.
- The Geek: [laughs] That's not the question. Am I turning you on?
- Jake: Yes, hello, sir, um...
- Howard: Are you the little bugger that's been calling up here all night and then hanging up?
- Jake: Would it be possible for you to tell me if there is a Samantha Baker there, and if so, sir, may I converse with her briefly?
- Howard: Yes it is, and NO you may not.
- Jake: Might I leave a message, sir?
- Howard: [to Grandma Baker] He wants to leave a message for Sam.
- The Geek: I know I came on kinda like a poozer on the bus tonight and everything. But... that's just so my friends won't think, you know, I'm a jerk.
- Samantha: But they're all pretty much jerks, though, aren't they?
- The Geek: Yeah, but, the thing is, I'm kinda like the leader, you know? Kinda like the king of the dipshits.
- Samantha: Well, that's pretty cool. Hey, but a lot can happen over a year. I mean, you could come back next Fall as a completely normal person.
- Brenda Baker: Oh, Sam. Sam, I am so sorry about your birthday.
- Samantha: It's OK. I'll recover.
- Brenda Baker: It's important to you. And yesterday morning you were trying to tell me.
- [Sniffling]
- Samantha: It's OK, Mom. These things sometimes happen.
- Brenda Baker: Oh, honey, I just feel miserable.
- Samantha: You'll feel better.
- Mike Baker: Who died?
- Brenda Baker: Uh... Is there something you want to say to your sister?
- Mike Baker: What? Are you kidding? Where should I start?
- Brenda Baker: I mean about her birthday. It was yesterday. We all forgot.
- Mike Baker: [laughing] Classic.
- Brenda Baker: Deep down, he's really sorry.
- Brenda Baker, Samantha: [Together] No, he's not.
- Randy: [talking on the phone with Samantha] I was going to tell you something, but, maybe I shouldn't. It's pretty bad.
- Samantha: You may as well. Nothing could shock me anymore.
- Randy: Last night at the dance, my little brother paid a buck to see your underwear.
- Samantha: [screams] Aaaaaaaahhh!
- Howard: [Her grandparents downstairs are startled by the scream] Geez! I hate that rock 'n' roll rubbish!
- Grandpa Fred: Well, I'm afraid it's here to stay, Howie.
- Howard: Dong. Where is my automobile?
- Long Duk Dong: Oto-mo-biiile?
- [laughing]
- Long Duk Dong: [Imitating race car. Imitating crash] Lake. Big Lake.
- Dorothy Baker: Why, you little scuzzbag!
- [She kicks Dong in the groin]
- Jim Baker: [to Samantha] I don't think I'll be able to sleep if I don't feel this little talk has helped ya. So would ya be a sport and lie to me?
- The Geek: [noticing the car Jake puts Caroline in] This, uh, your car, Jake?
- Jake: No, this is my dad's car. You said you couldn't drive a stick.
- The Geek: This is a mother - ! This is a Rolls-Royce, Jake.
- Jake: So?
- The Geek: SO? So? I hear the grill ALONE costs five grand on this. Five grand! Do you have five grand? I don't have five grand!
- Jake: Then don't hit anything.
- The Geek: [incredulous] Ha ha! Don't hit anything.
- Samantha: This is the single worst day of my entire life!
- Mike Baker: What the hell are you bitchin' about? I have to sleep under some Chinaman named after duck's dork.
- Samantha: Well, where am I sleeping?
- Mike Baker: Sofa City, Sweetheart.
- Samantha: May I be excused?
- Grandma Helen: Where are you going?
- Samantha: I have a dance to go to - at school. It's a very important dance... uh we're being graded on it, for Gym.
- Randy: [Samantha has filled out an "anonymous" sex quiz naming her crush, which has fallen into unknown hands] Jake Ryan? He doesn't even know you exist.
- Samantha: Thank you, that's a very nice thing to say.
- Randy: I'm sorry, but Jake Ryan? He's a senior, and he's taken. I mean, really taken.
- Samantha: I know. He's supposed to be my ideal.
- Randy: He's ideal for sure, but, forget it.
- Samantha: God, I hope whoever got the note doesn't know it was me who wrote it. I'd shit twice and die.
- The Geek: Will you shut up? People around here work, alright? And will you hurry it up? I'm breaking like 30 major laws here.
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