Sexbots: Programmed for Pleasure

Brad Armstrong's underwhelming "Sexbots" gives new meaning to the term I most often use when reviewing recent Adult Videos: mechanical sex. Unlike his big-budget action & sci-fi "blockbusters" for Wicked, this is a cheap, uninteresting venture classified on the back of the DVD liner for rack jobbers to file under "All Sex".

For me, who prefers Brad's simple little features (e.g., "Crossroads") to his overblown projects, it is reminiscent of one of his earliest stints behind the camera: "Cybersex" in 1995 for Vivid. That one starring the powerhouse beauty Crystal Gold was a mass of B-movie clichés, but at least it had the semblance of a plot and suspense.

Instead we get Brad as Prof. Nolan Keller, completing a 10-year "Eve Project" to create a sex doll that is the ultimate sexual droid. (Irony for Wicked fans is that this silly video ends with a plug for the company's website wickedrealdoll to sell life-size love dolls to horny guys, clearly the only reason this stinker exists.)

Of course, the marketing pitch is to live off the label's Good Will assets, namely the remaining superstar contract talent of Asa Akira, Jessica Drake and Stormy Daniels, touted as together for the first time. That comes true in the last of 3 vignettes (DVD is skimpy in that regard, as modern Adult videos generally provide 4 to 6 vignettes) when Akira as Asa Doll activates two more dolls named "jessica drake" (she is lowercase even in computer read-outs, undoubtedly a trademark gimmick) and "Stormy Daniels", not very creative work in Brad's uncredited "script". Neither JD nor SD gets any dialog - in common with Asa they have been programmed with "casual speech" which turns out to be Pornspeak of the "Oh, baby!" and "Right there!" variety.

Entire plot is in voice-over narration provided by Drake (uncredited in that function but instantly recognizable). But Brad fumbles with the most basic premise here: opening scene has him, looking paunchy, old and definitely not suitable for his erotic on-screen chores, giving his creation a try out prior to public launch. He humps Asa Doll with an emphasis on anal sex and supposedly she humps him to death though it is never made clear how that kills him after a routine ("mechanical") sex scene and extremely puny, nearly invisible money shot from the auteur.

He manages to hit a red emergency button before expiring, bringing out eight, count 'em, eight security technicians to give Asa a gang-bang as she keeps screaming "More, more, more!" , which I interpreted as an homage to an all-time Adult Cinema great Andrea True and her immortal disco hit recording. This gang-bang eats up 35 minutes of running time and is loaded with d.p.'s for Asa in various positions and as many (probably 8 but who's counting) money shots as possible. Each of the 8 interchangeable (and interracial, of course) dudes expires immediately after shooting his spunk on AA.

That lesbian threesome with Jess and Stormy follows as Asa is, like we say in the industry, insatiable. Open ending is empty and pretentious like most of Brad's finales, but I was awfully glad to see this clunker end.

Among its many obvious deficiencies are: the low budget, a mere fraction of what Wicked green lighted for such Bradsters as "Underworld", "Speed" and "2040", resulting in chintzy sets, lack of action and beyond the 3 superstars a limited cast; failure to follow through the art work suggesting "Ex Machina" interesting robot body dimensions and see- throughs -instead we get the 3 actresses au naturale, carefully trimmed pubic hair and all, never convincing as cyborgs, robots or androids. Worse yet, they are briefly dressed up in clingy grey bodysuits, but alas, no attempt was made to exploit their enviable figures in homage to that all-time great look embodied by Jeri Ryan in a similarly colored outfit as "7 of 9" in "Star Trek: Voyager".

Besides its function to sell sex dolls to a sad public, "Sexbots" has each of the 3 love dolls wearing a "Wicked" necklace, hardly the subliminal plug intended. I predict that someday (and soon), this DVD will be enshrined as an emblem of Wicked's decline into oblivion, following the similar death of its chief competitor Vivid where Brad used to work decades ago.