Siete hombres de oro en el espacio

Out of boredom, my friends and I decided to have ourselves a "worst movie marathon". Among the titles we rented were "la guerre de l'espace en l'an 3000", "La soupe au chou", " Como rubare la corena de Ingleterra" and "Space Oddysey (english title of this movie)". Although all the movies were disgusting and hard to watch, this one had to be the worst...

Here are a few things that stood out...

• A male and a female robot ( she has metal eyelashes) in love!

• A woman scientist working in a tight leather "swim suit"

• A gymnast fighter ( we dubbed him "mr exercise" ) who jumps around during the movie

• A hero who walks around like he is constipated

• An army of evil "droids" with blond wigs and silver suits

The characters are not developed, ( some seem to come out of thin air) and the villain is laughable.

The thing that got me the most, though, is the fact that this movie has no end, literally; Music covers the dialog in the last scene, were everything unfolds.

Really, this is something you should try to find at your local videostore.

-1,5 * :)

"A race of aliens is en route to Earth with the intent of enslaving the human race. The world turns to a top scientist in the hopes that he, and the team he pits together, can come up with a plan to drive off the extraterrestrial invaders. Is there enough time for our hero and his companions to prepare for a fight the will decide the fate of the entire planet?" asks the DVD sleeve's synopsis.

Man's first contact with an alien race turns sour when they want to take over the planet, and make us futuristic slaves. "Star Odyssey" (in English) is a another cheap attempt to cash-in on the "Star Wars" success; although it doesn't really steal much story, and attempts some of its own cheesy style. The title and advertising graphics must have lured fewer victims this time around, as there was no follow-up.

Gianni Garko (as Dirk) and Yanti Somer (as Irene) manage to keep straight hero and heroine faces. This had to be difficult with lovesick robots "Tilt" and "Tilly" wandering around. The promise to alter their parts, so the mechanical couple would be able to consummate their relationship, is never shown on screen. Alas, it might have made the movie more than a complete waste of resources.

* Sette uomini d'oro nello spazio (10/26/79) Alfonso Brescia ~ Gianni Garko, Yanti Somer, Malisa Longo

This is an effort at an outrageous space epic, where nothing is funny and the characters are about as bland and inconsequential as one can get. Once again the earth is threatened (actually it has been purchased). The population is going to be enslaved once this guy, who has a face like a hand grenade does what he does to them. The silly people of earth have to depend on some guy whom they treat badly, but who has great powers to repel the force. There are some idiotic droids, especially a male and female (for whatever reason), who provide what I guess is comic relief. The whole thing is a joke. We never really get what the powers are. We never really understand the strategies. There are, however, a group of androids who dress like Carol Channing. Now that could have been funny.

Winner, Academy Award, Category: "Worst Robot in a Sci-fi Film"

Believe it or not, but I've managed to stay awake long enough through three of these Alfonso Breschia sci-fi crapfests to notice that each one of them does have a different angle. Cosmos: War of the Planets had a slight horror angle, War of the Robots was a straight forward sci-fi action flick and Star Odyssey tries to include a lot of humour. I have seen the Beast in Space but we all know the angle there is Sirpa Lane's nipples.

It does matter how he approaches these films, they are all miserable failures featuring the same sets, the same extras in blonde robot wigs, the same uniforms for the good guys (I hope they at least washed them - I wouldn't fancy getting Antonio Sabato's sweaty hand-me-downs), the same Yanti Somer, the same space battle footage and the same sense that even Breschia himself was not remotely interested in what he was creating. Let's dive in!

Or not, as the whole first half of the film seems to have been cut and pasted together as some key scenes seem to happen after other stuff has occurred. Basically, an alien that looks like he's fallen asleep on an electric fly swatter has bought Earth, and instead of making contact he just starts gathering together loads of humans for slavery. This enrages campy Earth leader Franco Rassell, who orders a crack team of human jerks to get together to sort out this intergalactic chugnut.

This lot includes Han Solo type Gianni Garko, who can hypnotise people and gets into a fistfight with Nello Pazzafini (in the confusing footage we see the fight first, then the reason it started later), Yanti Somer, ex-lover of Garko and niece of elderly scientist Ennio Balbao, who is trying to figure out some way to penetrate the weird substance surrounding the enemy spaceship (more confusing footage). There's Han Solo type Chris Avram and Melissa Longo, who is guess is supposed to be Chewbacca? Throw in a guy with ADHD and a pompous military guy and we're good to go...except for the two suicide-pact robots they pick up from a seventies scrapyard.

The fact that Tilt and Tilly have more character than everyone else shows you how bad this film is. They had a suicide pact but can't remember how (it's because they couldn't shag), and they bicker, complain, write poems to each other and wonder how the blonde-wig robots aren't attacking them. There's also this other robot which is like some child in a Halloween costume wandered on set or perhaps is a dwarf slave Breschi was humiliating for sexual purposes.

All this crapness is lost like tears in rain as the whole things just devolves into the same endless laser battles, light-sabre (pound shop version) battles, and worst of all, the interminable space battle at the end. That battle doesn't quite last as long as the one in War of the Robots, but...that's about the only good thing I can say about it.

The version I watched did have an ending, although it did cut off a guy at the end mid-sentence, so that was good.

What happened to you Gianni Gark - you used to be Sartana! What happened to you Ennio Balbao - you used to be a Mafia Don! Yanti Somer - you have no excuse - you were in the last two as well!

This is the third "Al Bradly" movie I have watched in the last couple of weeks and like the other 2 (Cosmos: War of the Planets and The War of the Robots) uses many of the same sets, costumes, cast and effects shots. And like the other two it is total and unmitigated crap from start to finish. The weirdness start in the credits when after the "Stars" the rest of the cast in listed in "Alphabetical Order". I don't know what kind of scary arsed alien alphabet they were using but it wasn't the ABC I was taught at school.

The plot is straight out of a 1920s pre Hugo Gernsback Scientifiction pulp with strutting heroes, mentally superior super-scientists (complete with beautiful niece), cute robots, an alien overlord intent on enslaving the human race etc. etc.

The Alien overlord shows his superiority over the puny humans by unleashing a short montage of Black and White footage of buildings being destroyed in World War 2 - a bit alarming coming in the middle of a colour SF movie. Meanwhile the Earth Government suppress the news that entire cities are being wiped off the face of the planet and turn to the only man who can stop the aliens reducing the earth to radioactive doo-doo and enslaving all the black people he can find.

That isn't a joke on my part - the only shots of aliens enslaving people has them rounding up some "African Natives" - though the translators, probably conscious of this blatant bit of racial stereotyping, do go out of their way to get characters to tell each other that other races are getting lifted in vast numbers too.

So confident are the powers that be in their chosen Super-scientist saviour he has to illegally assemble his team of Super-scientist helpers by stealing spaceships and springing them from Jail.

Even weirder is the sequence about three quarters through the movie in which three scenes that should have been at the start of the flick turn up in no apparent order (Though this may just be on the DVD copy I own -part of a 20 movie box set called Space Quest) when we see the gambler hero in the casino, the auction where "Sol 3" is bought by the Alien, and a scene in the Human control room where the High Command take a break from their "who has the gayest moustache" contest long enough to realise that the Earth is utterly screwed.

Aimed at a target audience of retarded 7 year olds.