AFTER eight decades of pretending to be a moral force for good around the entire world, the USA has decided to be a big bastard instead.
Waking up with my head pounding to a Burundi rhythm, my tongue akin to a sofa left out in the desert for six weeks, I take a moment to reflect on the events of the past seven days.
THE nation’s undergraduates are unaware that they were supposed to be carefully tending to Neighbours, it has emerged.
A CONNIVING grandma has been able to use the internet since 1998 and just wanted an occasional visit, her cheated family have learned.
FIFTEEN-year-old Active J, known in his detached home as Joshua Hudson, has been told that if he doesn’t sell his old clothes they’ll be given to a charity shop.
LOVE the Sleaford Mods’ music but hate the shouty Nottingham accent all over it? Can’t relax while aurally assaulted by provincial tones? You’ll hate these.
THE residents of a Surrey village swallowed by a sinkhole have accepted it is the Lord’s judgement upon them for returning a Conservative MP.
Politics
WE all like to supplement our salary with dodgy expense claims, but even a pro like me gets caught out sometimes. Stick to these classic scams and HR won’t be able to touch you.
WHEN Just Stop Oil block roads, Britain’s press hint that vehicular manslaughter would not be, in this case, a crime. Does the same apply to yesterday’s farming protest?
THE people of Burnley, named Wokest Northern Town in the 2022 Woke UK awards, are outraged at their suspended MP.
BRITAIN is to become the world’s first entirely cashless economy, Rachel Reeves has announced.
PETER Mandelson has told a journalist to ‘f**k off’ when asked about Jeffrey Epstein. It’s a shame he only moves in super-rich circles, because it would be fun to ask him these questions too.
Society
THE Home Counties are the most important counties in Britain according to their arsehole residents. But which comes closest to being barely tolerable, and which is the absolute worst?
THE Calvine UFO picture taken in Scotland is in the media again, and it remains a grey diamond that could be a rock. These are the other issues with all UFO sightings.
THE aggressively loud volume of the average posh person is in fact a product of evolution, scientists believe.
THE Lucy Letby case is making headlines after experts claimed there were no murders. Will this prompt you to look at other unfair convictions or is it a one-off?
ARE today’s young people uniquely indolent and incapable of hard work, or just at the exact age when everyone is like that? Helen Archer looks into this urgent question.
THE new trend of extremely brazen shoplifting is worrying. You’re probably agreeing with me now, but that's before you've realised I am a massive racist.
Lifestyle
A FATHER with only a slight paunch and moderately receding grey hair is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men, it has emerged.
HE’S the bullish tech billionaire turning heads and defunding federal agencies in the White House, but how can you capture that maverick Musk charm? Follow these tips.
A MAN who is a sucker for new fads is espousing the joys of sucking on disgusting little nicotine pouches, it has emerged.
YOU may behave rationally in your foreign cities, but once you visit our shores you become a tourist and must behave accordingly and annoyingly. Follow these rules.
ATTRACTIVE people get preferential treatment at work, research has found, but the gorgeous have replied that beauty brings its own issues. You feel you could cope with these.
AN otherwise progressive man has admitted that he is still transfixed by boobs and enjoys movies with massive explosions.
Sport
TOMORROW night sees a clash of titans only Americans care about as the Philadelphia Eagles take on Taylor Swift in Superbowl LIX. Can she win?
TODAY, professional football players will play others who earn more, subjecting their team and town to patronising media write-ups. Who will be the plucky victors?
THE BBC has apologised to right-wing football fans for employing a man with vaguely left-wing views and hopes this woman will make up for it.
Science & Technology
PEOPLE who take 120 hours to send one-word replies to texts may seem like piss-takers, but they have their flimsy reasons. Such as these…
ONLINE spaces criticised as ‘echo chambers’ are actually wonderful places to meet intelligent, educated people with correct views, according to their users.
TOO tight to upgrade to an ad-free version of a site or an app? Looks like you’ll have to learn to live with horrible adverts for dodgy mobile games. Like these...
THE Labour government has elected not to create the UK’s Silicon Valley between Manchester and Liverpool, for reasons as yet unrevealed.
Arts & Entertainment
ROCK ‘n’ roll is supposed to be big, dumb fun but someone always has to come along and ruin it by adding a reading list. None of these acts are as smart as they think.
THOUSANDS of Beyoncé fans have mistakenly been sold tickets for Black Sabbath’s final gig, and vice versa.
THE BBC is jubilant after learning that the next disgraced TV chef to dominate the news works mainly for ITV.
SOMETIMES you read ‘Sonia is pregnant with Jamie’s baby unaware that he killed his ex-wife though her sister confessed’ and thank God you were spared this soap plot. These are actual storylines:
OZZY Osbourne and Black Sabbath have announced their final tour. But some artists are best enjoyed when you have yet to reach sexual, and definitely mental, maturity. Like these.
Business
FAST food chain McDonald’s has admitted its fancy branches with dark green signage firmly believe themselves to be on a par with Waitrose.
RIGHT now he’s flying, but Elon Musk is in a precarious position with Trump known to ditch anyone not completely subservient at whim. Stand by to savour his inevitable downfall.
A CANDY store. A Turkish barber. A newsagent which also does parcel returns. One of these must be genuine, but which? Reporter Emma Bradford investigates.
WATER: it falls from the skies. Collect it, treat it, send it out through the taps, sieve out the turds, treat it, job f**king done. Is that so hard, water companies?
Work
NOBODY on LinkedIn can stop congratulating each other long enough to admit they’re drawing dole. Use these phrases to cover up being between ‘great career opportunities’.
AS Labour MP Andrew Gwynne discovered, every WhatsApp group is a ticking time bomb of kompromat. Here’s how yours will lead to your eventual dismissal.
A HOMEWORKER ordered back to the office is spending long lazy days doing nothing to prove her point.
POWERLESS in their real lives, these wankers find their satisfaction in running a workplace like a Panzer Division. Which ones have bollocked you?
ARE you doing your job perfectly, breaking neither rules nor codes, but should resign anyway because you are becoming a distraction like Tulip Siddiq? Find out.
A LENGTHY prison sentence is expected for a self-employed woman who had the audacity to believe she could complete her tax return without breaking the law.
Alcohol
OUT for drinks with the office last night? Woken up under the burden of some confessions that, in the light of day, you really wish you could forget? These will always be there.
PUB profits are falling and pubs may close, so attendance at your local hostelry five nights a week is now mandatory. Here’s how to get through it.
A MAN is insisting his friends dislike tequila because they have not had the ‘good stuff’, not because it is irretrievably vile regardless of cost.
HALFWAY through Dry January, are you sticking to it while maintaining a rigid schedule of daytime and evening Wetherspoon’s visits, like a patriot should?
A GROUP of drinkers spent three days snowed in at a Yorkshire pub and are gamely pretending they loved it. They didn’t and nor would you.
