On The DL

This National Leaguer’s recent pitching woes may partially be due to the high jinks going on in his home sweet home. Who needs to hit the club scene when you can turn your own condo into a makeshift brothel? Sources claim that he regularly plays the role of P.I.M.P. for his married male friends and teammates by encouraging them to bring girls back to his place at night, occasionally even lending out his own bed to help them seal the deal. Such was the case on one particular evening when a married former teammate and his “lady” got so wasted and carried away that our boy had to remove the hinges from his bedroom door in order to get them out of there. The hurler is not only interested in pimpin’ but is also always game for being pimped as well. He allegedly uses the services of a platonic female friend [a.k.a. the pimpette] and his male personal assistant [a.k.a. the manny] to help round up eager girls to stop by his little den of sin for a night of partying as he waits to select the one that he wants for the evening. No wonder why the dog days of summer seemed especially hard on him...apparently brothels aren’t necessarily conducive to a stellar performance.

The person who said that all the good men are taken, clearly never met this up and coming NL Central prospect. Get ready to swoon people because it is hard to resist a winner like this. First among his many attributes is his hot body which allegedly comes complete with warts on his steroid enhanced arms and genital herpes on his less than enhanced penis. But don't worry, he's working on that "little" problem by taking Man XXXL pills in addition to his avid interest in penis enlargement surgery. Besides being a sexy hunk of man; he is also highly ambitious. His main goal in life, other than making it to the pro level is to play a villain in a horror movie. In fact, he somehow manages to incorporate his future career goals into his romantic bedside manner as he has been known to gently wake his lady in the middle of the night to whisper sweet nothings like "its okay honey.. mommy's not dead.. that's just paint..." into her ear. Another classic line of his is this little gem that he once said to a former flame while taking a romantic walk..."you know, I could throw you off the balcony. You would die and everyone would think it was an accident." Add in mama's boy and cheapskate on top of everything else and you have a recipe for true love. Get him while you can. A guy this yummy won't be on the market for long.

Which purportedly "clean" AL West hurler is driven to and from the ballpark (both home and on the road) by his rightfully smoldering wife?

Well, it seems at many parks, concessions stands are operated by volunteer groups - churches, school groups, charities and such - in order to raise money for their various organizations. When one NL West park allowed a group of high school cheerleaders raise money for their many trips, this certain titan of the ball field decided he'd love to make his own donation - not once, but in multiple seasons.

When the previous year's squad heard that one of the subsequent pom-pom shakers had bedded the pitcher whenever he was in town, they all shared their experiences and no less than three of the sweater-clad jail bait had done the splits with the veteran hurler.

Now it didn't take long for the girls to start calling the pitcher on this (each one thought she was "special," and the reveal left them all hurt and angry) and Mrs. Pitcher soon was made aware of her hubby's school spirit. She knew that her man wasn't an angel (that ship had already sailed) but when she learned that his indiscrections were of the illegal (and immoral) kind, she put her foot down.

Now he travels to and from his work accompanied at all times by his better half, except such times that the team bus transports the players to and from an airport.

No doubt, followed closely by a very suspicious wife.

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Which up and coming AL pitching prospect got quite a surprise upon awaking from a drunken stupor during his annual pre-spring training bash? Apparently, he passed out after retreating to his basement for a smoke break. When he woke, he found the mother of a local neighborhood boy [a less than attractive family friend whose son he was giving free pitching lessons to] giving him a blow job. He was way too out of it to do anything to stop her, however, the woman eventually got nervous and ran off. Well, if nothing else, she certainly managed to come up with a novel way to express her gratitude for the free lessons. We guess this is one situation where a basic hallmark thank- you card, just simply doesn’t suffice.

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Which recently married catcher's generosity almost cost him when he left home game tickets for his ex-wife, as well as 2 other female- ahem- "friends" all on the same evening. Apparently this is something that he likes to do on a regular basis: three women...one game...three different locations in the stadium. He even occasionally adds his current wife into the mix, though many people don't even know he's remarried. For his sake, lets just hope that his personal fan club doesn't run into each other at the restroom or on the hot dog line. Things can get catty real fast that way.

It is customary for wedding party guests to offer up their well wishes to the bride and groom. However, one local D.J. shared a bit more information than that at her friend’s recent nuptials. Apparently, she told anyone who would listen about how a certain AL All Star Pitcher gave her chlamydia after their spring training hook-up. It seems that she got mixed up with the pitcher while conducting player interviews for her radio station. Miss D.J. said she got the news upon receiving her annual check-up and claims to know that the foxy flame thrower was the culprit because he was the only person that she had been with in the past few months. Considering this boy’s penchant for partying and hooking up, she isn’t the only potential bridesmaid who might want to consider scheduling a doctor’s appointment in the near future.