All You Need to Know

So, I asked for some stupid people tricks and received this fine submission. It's a firsthand account of blood plasma donation, which despite its well-intended purpose is still a business. As your broke ass probably already knows, there are clinics all across the country where you can earn a few bucks helping supply blood banks with your vital life juice. One reader's experience was not worth the meager compensation. I would recommend switching to sperm donation except that A.) thanks to the internet, every year I get more and more anonymous father's day cards and B.) the reader is not equipped with the factory-installed equipment for such an undertaking.

Anyhow, here is her account for your files.


************THE PEOPLE WRITE*************


Terry,

I did one of the dumbest things ever yesterday. It, at first, doesn't sound stupid but you can make your own opinion. This is also on my blog.

(I was inspired by you, btw)

Ever heard of Biolife Plasma Services? They buy your plasma. They have a cheery little jingle on the radio ad about how you are a lifesaver and all that.

One of my former co-workers donates regularly and reports that it is easy money. She goes two-three times a week. I *thought* she said she made $45 a pop.

Bored, unemployed, and soon to be broke, I figured "What the hell. I'll give it a try." Easy money baby!

You know how you judge an apartment complex by the kinds of cars you see in the parking spaces? This should have been my first clue.

The second clue was the fact that the two "gentlemen" waiting looked like meth-heads and made me wonder how they got past the "illicit substances" questions.

Third clue is the person that checked me in was a puppy. He was 20, at most, and I feel that was being generous.
So, they took a bunch of information and someone else gave me a "physical" which meant listening to my heart, flashing a light in my eyes and mouth and testing my reflexes. This was clue number 4.

Then it was my turn. You sit in these recliner like things and there are pinball looking machines next to each chair.
First, they have you sign another form. Then they give you the money in this furtive little flourish. A whopping $15. Okay, at this point, I am ready to bail. I have already wasted $15 worth of time. But I am kinda committed at this point.

They hook me up, but not without issues. Let me preface this with the fact that I have freakishly low blood pressure, usually 112/65, which they assured me would not be an issue.

After fiddling with the darning needle in my arm, and not before I told the guy to stop fiddling with said needle, they started the machine. They remind you to repeatedly squeeze your hand when the machine beeps. Well, it is always freaking beeping...and so are the twelve others that are in the same room. So, I should have Popeye forearm muscles in my left arm.

On the time ticks, I am sitting, squeezing, and trying to read, one handed. There is sign that says that wireless internet is available. It took me a minute to realize that a laptop usually takes two hands, thus wireless internet is just a clever distraction technique. Nice try though.

They advised me that they take your blood, then inject saline so that you don't pass out & dehydrate, then inject your plasma-less blood back into you. The saline, they said, will make you cold. As time passes, the guy asks me if I taste metal. What? Apparently, when the saline is injected a person usually tastes metal. Reminiscence of having braces, lucky me. One more reason for me NOT to do this ever again.

Oh, and your lips tingle. Tingle, hypothermia tingle. "But it's common." GREAT.

So, nearly an hour has passed, I am supposed to be done soon and I am getting fidgety. I have already decided that this is SO NOT FOR ME, especially for 15 f&#$ing dollars!

I happen to begin feeling a little, shall I say, disconnected. I looked down at my arm and I noticed blood begin to seep. Now, I am not a doctor, don't even play one on TV, but I know that's not supposed to happen. I tried to get the "nurses" attention and finally did right before I had the "Go toward the light" feeling.

They pulled out the needle and put a cold compress on my arm...but not before disagreeing on whether or not to poke my OTHER arm and inject me with more saline. Now, I am nearly unconscious at this point but I could feel my backbone stiffen. They sure as HELL wasn't going to poke me again!

A cup of water and two ice packs and TLC from a cutie named TJ was the final solution. (Other than the whole vampire thing, I'm crushing a little on TJ.)
Forty-five minutes later, my blood pressure is - no word of a lie - 88/59. Much to my surprise, they let me go home...driving myself, by the way. (because I'm sure the officer will understand)

Needless to say, I felt like poo the rest of the day and frankly, don't feel all that special today. Oh, and I am sporting a nice junkie bruise on my arm.

FOR 15 F#$%ING DOLLARS!

This is definitely in the Top 10 of the Dumbest Things I have EVER Done. Ever.